Wow it has been some time...too much time...but like I always say, a lot has gone on since my last post.
For one thing...I graduated from college...minor accomplishment with major implications for my life. Graduation opens the door to the rest of my life, well maybe not solely, but I now have to be a real adult. That is pretty scary.
For another thing...God seems to be really showing up right now, which is a prayer answered.
I just got back from Rockbridge, Intervarsity's Blue Ridge Region retreat from awesomeness. I always seem to go into it so expectant of massive transformation, and leave far more changed than I thought I would be. In fact, that is a running theme...I expect God to move and I expect God to change me, but my expectations are so conditional. I expect change to come in some capacity, that is arguably much smaller than what God can do...much like a scripture from this past week.
John 11:1-44 is the story of Lazarus...I hate calling it a story, but for right now it will suffice. Here we see Jesus, deeply saddened by the illness and subsequent death of his friend Lazarus, brother to Mary and Martha, raise Lazarus from the dead. I am not going to summarize the story much more because if you are interested, you should pick up the Bible and read it! But, one thing caught me off guard. This past week, one of the staff workers in the People of the Word track, my track, provided a brief bit of background about this miracle. Up until then, Jesus' power was thought to end at death. This meant that all of His power couldn't raise the dead. Well, we know how that theory worked out.
But the importance of this is in its parallels with my life, and what I assume is in many Christians' lives. We only expect God to do only so much. We put God's love in a box that can only do this and only do that...but when God really shows up, which is always when you allow Him to show up, that love goes above and beyond. We are just like the Jews in the story of Lazarus. If only Jesus could have been here, we say, then all of this would be ok. If only...well you know what, He has been here. And yet all we can seem to do is pull a Mary and Martha and sulk our way into a straw faith. We are so angry with God for not showing up in our lives, for not being there when we needed Him, that when He does show up, we are bitter and yearn for His attention. We want God to know we are angry at Him. We want Him to know how much He has supposedly let us down.
Wow...pretty conditional right?
First off...God doesn't always have to show up as a burning bush, or on this day of Pentecost, flaming tongues. In fact one of the most amazing appearances of God before Man is Elisha and the whisper. Elisha expected God to come in an earthquake, then a fire, and then a great wind...sound familiar? We look at God and expect Him to speak and move in one way, then when that doesn't work, we continue to expect Him to come in another way...it is pretty cyclical...until we learn to trust Him, and well, shut up. God is going to move...He is moving...
So Lazarus is raised from the dead, and most of the people present are struck with awe and belief. But to end this post, if you read the scripture, you see that some go to the Pharisees, who eventually use this information to plot Jesus' death. So what are you going to do when God shows up?
What have you been doing?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Holy Cow it has been a long time since my last post. I would love to explain why it has been such a long time, but that would just be an excuse, of which usually doesn't matter in this instance.
But something has been really bugging me the last few weeks.
Prayer.
Yep I said it...go ahead and criticize me, but listen to what I have to say.
It's not that prayer is bugging me. It's just that a lot of people around me are only praying. And that to me is just not how this walk should be.
Our journeys with Christ are built on prayer, but it is not only prayer. So why do we pray for things, and then wash our hands clean of it? Why do we pray without intention?
Why do we pray for change, yet not allow God to use us and move us into action for change?
The world is hurting and yet all we can do is pray that God moves. Well, I don't think it is that farfetched to say that God is moving in us, urging us to be that change. Is that a dumb idea?
If all we do is pray to God, and not allow us to be His instruments for change, then that shows that our hearts were not in it in the first place. It shows that we were cautious to allow God to use us to show His love.
We have a campus to love upon, and yet we look at the world instead. We have a nation and a world to love, yet we spend all of our time praying for that love to show up.
HELLO! Is anyone there? That love has shown up. It shows up in our lives, and in our faith, and in our prayers. Why do we keep waiting for God to move, and just let Him move in us?
I'll leave you with that for now...until next time!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I wrote a post a while ago proclaiming my dislike of being a trendy Christian. In my opinion, a trendy Christian, or one who raises their hands during worship just to be seen or who wears the WWJD bracelets just to fit in, is something that is becoming a serious issue. I don't know, maybe I am just turned off by what I perceive to be spiritual fanaticism. I was raised to love God and love Him in my way...I guess I never understood that others can worship in a different way.
I have realized that focus too much of my disdain of my faith on others. What does that matter? I recall a certain scripture about removing the plank from my eye before I remove a speck from another person's eye. I waste so much of my time concerned with being seen...and therefore, I fit my definition of the one thing I don't want to be. I don't want to shout freedom and revolution, and yet, I refuse to act in freedom and revolution in Christ. I don't want to look like a crazy Christian fanatic...yet I refuse to even act like a Christian sometimes.
Where is the happy medium?
Hmm...I look at others and I see passion. I look at others and I see fanaticism. But I don't look at myself. My priorities are severely screwed up. If I am a Christian, I should live like a Christian. And if I recall correctly, that doesn't necessarily mean that I should raise my hands towards heaven, as some would say, when a Christian song comes on the radio. It doesn't require me to recite scripture at the drop of a hat, nor to place it for all to see on my facebook page.
But what I've failed to miss is that I don't have to, but I can. Me. That's where this is going. I chose to follow God. I love God. I would do anything for God, even allow Him to turn me upside down so I can actually be right-side-up. So why don't I act like it? Why do I concern myself with others...what does that matter in this individual relationship with Christ. He is the judge...not me...hmm...
Sorry for the time lapse...I was in St. Louis for Intervarsity's Global Missions Conference, Urbana. It was probably one of the best, if not the best, experiences in my life. I was both exhausted and excited about what God was doing in my heart and the hearts of the 18,000 other college students from 100 countries of the world and all 50 states. So, now that I have had some time to relax I hope to make this a much more frequent blog.
So I was gonna talk about God's call in one's life. I had it all in my head and I was ready to just write it all out. But I think that is gonna have to go on the back burner for right now. I think I am going to talk about something I am going through at this very moment.
I wish everyday was Urbana. I wish my time was spent hanging out with all 18,000 students just worshiping the Lord and learning how to serve Him. But if everyday were like that then that would diminish the purpose of the conference, and His word.
Spiritual highs and lows are something that comes naturally. Sometimes way too naturally. How do we cope? How do we continue? How do we live like we did when we were spiritually high?
To be honest, I don't have those answers. I have begun journaling my thoughts and struggles with the return to normalcy in hopes of finding some solace. I also have begun spending more time with God in prayer in hopes of maintaining a healthy relationship with Him. At Urbana, I learned a type of prayer that really helps me out with this issue. I pray to God in phrases or questions, and then sit in silence for a little bit, allowing Him to speak to me, whether it be a whisper or burning bush. I journal those prayers as well.
I am hoping to continue this process, updating it here for you to see. But also I am going to be discussing some changes in my life as a result of Urbana, and God's call. You may be surprised to find that some of my "dreams" have diminished, while others have flourished. Life is never settled. It is always changing. My path continues to mature and transform into something that is worthwhile. We'll see where it leads me...
Wow...it has been a long time. Apologies...this time of year always seems to be so much busier than other times. Not only that, but it seems to fly by like it never happened!
My favorite book is "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. In fact, anything he writes, I basically own and have read. He's a great author. But some people have gotten mad at me for making it my "go-to" favorite book.
"Why isn't the Bible your favorite book?"
Hmm...sounds pretty intense, right?
I don't get it. Why do Christians focus so much on the menial things? In fact, the history behind making the Bible someone's favorite book lies within the social websites like Facebook and Myspace. The only reasons why someone would put the Bible as their favorite book are: They want the whole world to know they are a Christian, or it was cool for them to do so. And that pisses me off. Don't diminish my faith just because I don't fit into your definition of what a Christian should be like.
I get really pumped up when I address this issue...
Christians today are so focused on fixing the problem. Yet we look past the problem. Some of us live as if Christianity is a trend, a fad that requires us to wear the WWJD bracelets, a Christian t-shirt, listen to Christian music exclusively, and avoid the "bad of the world," like movies above PG or Halloween because it is the "Devil's Day." Some of us live as if we have to rid the world of the bad. Well-intentioned, but they are missing the target that is right in front of them.
Think about it. Christians focus so much of their lives expending energy on "causes" that are against Christianity. We "hate" abortion and all who believe in it, yet we look past the fact that someone just made the hardest decision of their lives, and they need someone to love on them. We ostracize the homosexuals because they are "contagious," "carriers of AIDS," "Lepers of today," yet we refuse to look at them as children of God who need to be loved. We allow ourselves to get caught up in controlling what's on t.v. for our children, all while we refuse to open our eyes to the fact that 3/4 of the world really can't afford clothes and food, let alone a t.v..
At some point, I begin to laugh...and then I start to cry.
It's sad really. We wear these WWJD bracelets to let the world know that we believe in God, but really truly, "What would Jesus do?" Would He wear a bracelet, and say that's enough? Would protest the Democratic presidential nominee because his name sounds Middle-Eastern? Would He even be involved in politics, something that seems so man-made? Would He use all of His energy to fight the non-believers?
Or would He use it to love them....
We are just like the pharisees. We have gotten so caught up in restoring the law, fulfilling the law, and making sure the "infidels" are defeated, that we forget that Christ already fulfilled the law. We also forget the most important commandment of them all. "Love your neighbor."
It all seems so passive-aggressive. And while I am a passive-aggressive, I struggle with the need to be more assertive in my faith. It's true, you can't just say, "Oh, I love the world, therefore, I having nothing else to do." It's not about you. Once you accepted Christ, you put yourself last. And I struggle with that. It's hard not to focus on our lives, and what's affecting them. It's hard to focus on the world, and why it is so broken, when our own brokenness seems to blind our eyes. I am so lazy in my faith. I am so intent on letting other Christians know what they are doing wrong (perfect example is this post), that I forget that there is a world that God created, and a people that God loved, who are hurting.
I wish could just up and leave. I wish I could just forget who's in office, what's on t.v., what music I'm listening to, and what book is my favorite. I wish that didn't matter. And it doesn't...to God. But for some reason, we have lost sight of the importance of our faith, and the love behind it. For some reason, we have turned away...
"For God so loved the WORLD, that He gave His only be-gotten son. That WHOSOEVER believes in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life."
Monday, November 9, 2009
Wow...it has been quite some time since my last post. Sorry about that...so much is going on in my life that I barely have enough time to get a good night's sleep. Ahh the life of a college senior!
But aside from academia and social activities, I have really hit a point in my walk with Christ that seems to be critical to my future. I am having to ask myself, and eventually answer, some very hard questions. My faith is being tested...well, it's being questioned. But the culprit is not this world, nor my friends, family, or even God. It's me...
I am gonna sound like a broken record. But in a sense, aren't we all broken records? Aren't we all yearning for the same things over and over? When does it hit us that we have been satisfied? Hmm...for another time!
Some people ask me why I post such deep thoughts publicly, fearing that my dirty laundry will be sprawled out and I would be under the microscope. Well, I want to. I want to end rumors and reveal truth about my life, and about what a real Christian looks like. Not saying that my friends and family aren't real Christians. I know they are...hence why God placed them in my life. But a lot of the time we tend to hide behind a veil of secrecy, or of ambiguity, or timidity. It was hard for me, as a young Christian, to understand that when I gave my life to Christ, I was actually making a "life" commitment. Change wasn't going to happen instantly. I wasn't going to be molded into the man God wants me to be in a day. And trust me, I have struggled with this for a long time.
To be quite honest with you, I look at myself as being a "bad" Christian. I don't allow time with God as much as I should, and don't place me first in your references for Bible knowledge. I really could care less about that. But that doesn't mean I don't yearn for Christ. It seems like everyday I want to pray, and rarely pray to God about Him being revealed to me. I want God. I want to feel Him and hear Him and love Him. But that's all very conditional. Its all very temporal. It's all about me...not Him. Which adds to why last week was a point in my life where God was basically hitting me over the head with a rock about my relationship with Him.
I will start with last Sunday. I woke up following an awesome Halloween...yes I celebrate it, get over it. I wasn't pumped that it was Sunday. Usually that incurs a decision that must be made. Do I go to church, or do I not? I usually go to church because others are going, and since I didn't know of anyone going to church that day, I had all but made up my mind not to go to church. But I did. I ended up getting ready and driving 15 minutes to the church I had been going to for about a month, and I went to church. I wasn't expecting much. In fact I was expecting to be alone amongst the congregation. To me church was a social event, not a Christ intervention. So I sat amongst the congregation, not expecting much, but receiving a lot.
Isn't it weird how God moves when we expect nothing? Isn't weird how God uses others to really get the point across about our individual relationship with Him?
As the pastor rose to speak, he mentioned that he was about to step out of the norm for him. Reciting how he felt naked and vulnerable, my ears perked up. And it happened. God spoke. Through the pastor I could sense the urgency, the plea, the desire, and the love behind the message that God was telling me. As the pastor spoke of how he kept following God, and using his gifts to glorify God, he mentioned that he still felt detached from Him. He still felt lost. He still felt alone. It was such a parallel to my life, that I was just silent the entire time. My eyes were glued to my pastor, waiting for the next word. How could this be? How could my pastor be going through the same thing I was going through? How could someone who I perceived as far more mature in his spiritual walk be going through something similar to my life? Was this God? Was He really speaking to me through this man? Yes.
"Isn't it weird, awe-inspiring that God can use the gifts bestowed upon someone, yet in the same breath can destroy that gift at any point in time? Isn't it powerful to realize the control God has? Isn't it frightening to realize our temporary lives? But isn't it beautiful that God loves us still? Isn't it beautiful that He has control, and not us? He hasn't let go. He hasn't dropped you for the latest trend, the latest search for perfection."
"Here I was using my God-given gift, following the call of God to spread the good news, yet the same message I would preach on Sundays, I would hide from in my own life? I was detached from Christ. I was alone. Why? How?"
The above quotes are summaries of the message given by my pastor. And all I could do on my return to campus was reflect. I didn't know what to do. And so I forgot it...
Then Thursday happened. Thursday I traveled to Winston-Salem to celebrate a large group with Salem College's Intervarsity Chapter. It was awesome...until the message. Again I was challenged by God to look at my life. To look at why I was afraid to let Him have it all. As the message continued, it spoke of our fear, pride, and pausing from accepting the call of God. And the room got very hot. I was sweating. And again I sat silently, in anticipation for the next word. But again, I didn't act. Again I sat cold as stone. Again I returned in silence and reflection, and not proactivity.
So that is where I am at right now. I am detached from Christ. But even though I feel like He has given up, He hasn't. And I just want to have this breakdown. I just want to let go of all responsibility. Forget the world for just one minute. Forget the constant judgement. I just want to let go...
Hopefully God will catch me...
I love God...I do. But what's it going to take for me to LOVE God? When is this mental block going to give way? Why am I stuck...
I keep feeling like I am being told to go. I keep feeling like God is really, intently, and urgently crying out to me to let go of this world...
One of the foremost tenets of Christianity appears in the form of sacrifice. Not just tangible sacrifice, like money, but a personal sacrifice...like control.
It's something I don't like to discuss, mainly because I am still struggling with giving up control to God. But is it really something I gave up...or something I never had?
When I gave my life to Christ some 11 years ago (wow...long time!), I never understood what it truly meant to deny myself and take up the cross. It's no one's fault...not my parents, my pastor (actually, that falls under parents.), my youth minister, etc. I think God has planned a moment in everyone's lives where they begin to realize that they underestimated the meaning of letting God have it all. Usually that incurs a somewhat tricky period in one's life where they can travel down one of two roads, acceptance, or denial. It probably shouldn't be that simple, but it is in my mind.
Most of us hit denial. Let's face it, we hate letting God, or anyone here on Earth, have control over our lives. A look back through history, and one will find numerous references to people taking back control of their lives.
I guess in a way, I had to figure out what "letting God have it all" actually looked like. I have always been concerned with the how and why. I could easily understand the what, when, and where, but the how and why was so much deeper. Why should I allow God to have full control over my life? How do I allow God to have full control over my life? It has been one constant battle of understanding what control really meant...until I realized that I never really had control.
You see...God works in a strange way...at least strange to us...to Him, it is normal. He doesn't work on our time. He doesn't fit to a schedule, a year, a day...He is much larger than anything man-made or defined. And I had a hard time with that.
The past few weeks have really been a magnification of that distress. It is depressing, but at least it's honest. I have always wondered why others were seemingly on a completely different page than I was, why they seemed so much farther ahead than me in their lives. I wondered why some people were given, what seemed to be, a distinct gift, be it music, missions, compassion, writing, leading, preaching, teaching...etc, and I had yet to truly understand my "gift." Why was it that I was not moving forward? I had become stagnant, or worse, I had regressed in my faith. It got to the point where I seriously questioned my faith. I began to doubt. Myself, my friends, God...And it seemed like I continued to spiral out of control, out of anger, out of sadness. The world that God created beautiful, seemed to me like a cold, hateful, judging world that had its target set on Sam, and I was taking a beating like none other.
I viewed myself as alone...even to the point of seeing my life as permanently set on being alone. And I blamed God. God had planned a life, that at that time was not matching up to the life I assumed I would be living. I had assumed freedom, success, happiness, love, and influence. I thought that college would be the place. The place where Sam would rise up and become something great. Instead, I was diminishing into a size that was almost invisible. Why God? Why are you making me smaller? Why are you making me into something I don't want to be? I thought you were supposed to bring happiness, and hope? Why do I feel hopeless?
Yes...I felt hopeless.
It is quite the scary feeling. One that I hid well, for the most part. One that remained within the four walls of my room, or so I thought. Instead this feeling transcended into my public life. Worship was seen as a pain in the ass. Why worship a God who I am in a battle with? Attending church was based solely on who was going that day, not on the fact that it was an opportunity to grow and rest and praise God. Being Sam, no longer felt like my own. Being Sam, was no fun...at least not this person called Sam. I began to hate. I began to loathe. I hated my friends. I hated my family. I hated my classes. I hated my life. I took every ounce of anger out on the people who cared about me the most. My best friends became my biggest enemies. They were people who couldn't be trusted, and yet I needed them, no, I craved them because somehow when I was around them I felt better about myself. That is, until they began to grow, and prosper. That is until they began to progress in faith and hope...something I assumed I lacked. I remember sitting in my room one night, and just saying to God, "I can't wait to leave this place. To leave these people. They never cared about me. I just took up air." It got to the point where I began to curse their presence. I challenged their love. I challenged God's love. It God truly cared, this wouldn't be happening. If God truly cared, He would have come down already, smacked me in the face with a purpose, and I would begin living...I would begin following.
Yes, my belief in God was contingent on Him coming down on my time, doing something I wanted, and listening to me, and not vice-versa. It was a very conditional love. One that I probably would not describe as love. I would sit and pray, awaiting that moment, my burning bush, where I would realize that God loved me, and I would subsequently love God. Recently I prayed for over an hour, and afterwards I felt this release...until I tried to emulate it over and over and over again. I felt that if I kept doing the things that made me happy, that made me feel like positive change was occurring, then God and I would be ok. Wrong...
God wanted me. He didn't need me...He wanted me. Here God was, with this plan to love the people He created, to take them back from the grips of the earth and Satan, a plan that didn't need to include me, but it did. Why...because He wanted me. It's a very hard thing to understand...in fact, I am going to stop understanding, and start going....
Yes that was, and is my problem. I expected God to answer my questions. I expected answers to life. I expected a cheat sheet. I expected... You see, it took many times for me to understand the fact that God was in control. It took me many more times to realize that I wasn't in control. And it is taking me even more times to live like God is in control. It wasn't that I didn't have faith...it was that I wasn't prioritzing my faith properly. God was supposed to be number one. Not me, not my parents, not my friends, not my school, and not my purpose. God. And here He was, trying so hard to get me to realize that I was ignoring the one being who wanted me, who always wants me, who always loved me...even when He didn't have to love me. I was ignoring God. God wasn't trying to express the fact of His control. He was expressing that He loved me so much that He had included me in His grand plan. He was expressing that He loved me.
I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I was looking for control in a life that was never mine to control. And God wasn't trying to be a dictator. He was trying to be a father. He was the Father. And I was, and am His child. My love for God wasn't going to be displayed through my successes.
It was going to be displayed in my faith..in my love.
I still struggle with control issues. I still live a roller-coaster-like life, but remember, after a dip, there is a rise, and one day that ride will end on a high note.
Don't you hear God saying, "Give me the remote, I had it first!"
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."
Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"
-- John 21: 17-19
Have you ever felt like Peter? Confused, frustrated, and upset at the fact that God continues to ask if we love Him? Have you ever felt like yelling to God out of frustration, "I love You!"
Peter is an interesting character in the Bible, and in Christianity. According to some Bible historians and interpreters, Peter, the so-called, "favorite disciple," was supposed to be the one to lead the disciples after the resurrection of Jesus. Now, that is of course up to debate, but Peter is a pretty significant disciple who would follow the Great Commission by God.
In a way, and in my opinion, we as Christians are all like Peter. Sometimes we lack the faith to walk on water when God calls us to (Matthew 14:22-36). We are also asked personally by God to confess our faith in Him, and called to build the church of God (Matthew 16:13-20). But a lot of time, we deny the true identity of Christ when it really matters (Matthew 26:69-75). As much as we like to say otherwise, a lot of the time we refuse to allow God total control and dominion in our lives. We would much rather save ourselves, then allow God's love to not only save us, but the world. Which is why this passage is so important...
In John 21, we see the love and grace of God upon Peter, which is a great parallel to the love and grace of God upon us. Jesus forgives Peter by asking him if he loved Christ. And why simplistic in nature, the question is very much complex and intense. God isn't expecting us to say we love Him, but to live like we love Him. When Jesus says, "Feed my sheep," he isn't expecting us to say yes, but do yes. This means that even when it seems we lack the faith it takes to stand on water or to praise the name of Christ, God still takes what faith we have and calls us to love the world.
The transformation we encounter when we allow our hearts to follow God, not just in word, but action, is greater displayed in verse 18. We were used to controlling our lives, but the One who created us has always been in control. We are going to go where we do not want to go. We are going to be called to be risky, dangerous Christians who escape the four walls of our churches and actually build the body of Christ by loving the world that has long rejected us.
This may seem repetitive, and if there are mistakes, you can call me out on it. I don't make attempts to be the most knowledgeable Christian. But I find this passage so great in influence on my life as Christian, that I though sharing it would be a great way to blog.
Notice how Peter does not sit on his shame of denying Christ. In fact, I would assume that after the denial, Peter picked himself up and continued to try to follow Christ, hence the fact that Christ allows for a "reinstatement" to occur. Shame did not control Peter, but love moved Peter. He allowed himself to be broken, torn down by God so that God could rebuild his heart. In doing so, God called Peter to leave the ways of the world, take up the cross, and follow Christ to the ends of the Earth...the ends of the Earth. Not just Jerusalem, Samaria, or Judea, but the entire world.
Do you love being the center of attention? Do you love the fact that sometimes it seems like everything goes through you? I personally love it. I love being in control, being in the zone. Which is why the past year God has seemingly ripped (emphasis on ripped) the control right out of my hands. I don't like talking about because I feel like some people have heard enough of this, and to others, well you just don't know. I get tired of it too people...but I find that God has to be behind something that has been going on, unrelentingly, for the past year.
Last year was not that much fun for me. I wasn't the best person on the planet, and my friends obviously were my targets. I treated them like dirt. One of them, started an awesome ministry that reached out to middle and high schoolers. "Wow that's so amazing, so what is the problem?" you ask. Well, I was hurt because somehow I wasn't involved. It seems really shallow, vain, and conceited, I know...trust me...but in being honest I was pissed off because I wasn't thought of in the process. In fact it was hidden from me. Now, before you go on painting this image of an enemy, it's not them, it was me. Every time I heard about the ministry, and saw the amount of people who were charged up over it, I fumed in anger. It was as if God was saying to me, through this person, that I wasn't good enough, and that I would never be. That's not the way to go about these feelings, but more on that later. I haven't really gotten over it as you can tell, but it gets better.
Well recently I have been feeling like more and more people are going behind my back and doing stuff that is amazing. Like today. Today was the start of, yet another, evangelism mission that was the "brainchild" of three friends. When they discussed how they got together and prayed about it, it hit me, "Why wasn't I involved? Why is it these people, and not me? What did I do? What does this mean?" I was angry the whole time, really truly, which sucks because it is totally not something I should be angry over.
I feel more and more left out, as if my spiritual gifts are not worthy enough to be considered. And to be quite honest, I could care less about my spiritual gifts, so it should be more like, I am not worthy to be considered. What's worse is the position this places me. I love these friends. I love these people. But if I were to be honest with them, I would look selfish. And if I were to vocalize these feelings, I would be lambasted. So what better way to deal with these recurring feelings than to internalize them? WRONG!!!
See I used to think that I never gave myself credit for anything. My spiritual gifts weren't really gifts that were unique to me, because soon after their discovery, someone else, who in my opinion was better than me, would supplant me and I would be subject to being forgotten. Well, as it turns out, I actually give myself way too much credit...to the point of being conceited. I am selfish. And as odd as it sounds, a diva. If I am not involved with it, then it doesn't matter. So what to do?
Well, this year I am trying to take every thought captive. It's an odd action to do because I really am taking my thoughts of hate and lack of self worth, and turning them around into praises towards God. And as odd as it is, I need to keep doing them. I need to realize my self worth in God, not my talents. A good friend put it this way: "You are not the same as the person next to you. You are looking for a purpose in all the wrong places. If you try to be like the person next to you, then you leave behind the person God wants for you to be. You keep taking on so much in order to please yourself, God, and others, that you are ending up more angry, more depressed, and more vain than you started."
So I need to be patient with God. There is a purpose out there for me. Again, as another friend put it, "We are perfectly positioned by God to make an impact with others." So there is something out there for me. Instead of over-analyzing and second guessing myself, I need to be patient and wait. Great...I hate that...
That means that I need to place God as the controller, and not me. In fact He has already been in control.
What's next...forgiveness. I can be of no good when I try to love on others while I have a hard heart towards others. It defeats the purpose of unconditional love...and even though it seems like humans cannot love unconditionally, God does, and Jesus does...and as Christians, we are called to be like Jesus. I used to say that I would never forgive the people who wronged me. Well that meant I never forgave myself. Look where that got me.
It's time for a change. It's time for someone else to take the wheel. Here I am Lord...waiting...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-- Marianne Wilkinson
How many times has fear controlled a decision in your life?
If you're like me, thinking about this question reveals a lot about our lives. In fact, for me, it seems as if every decision has been made out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of truth, etc., the list can go on and on and on. But here's one thing I always forget...it's not just me.
Fear is a human flaw. It is created and perpetuated by our "independence." The belief that if we get hurt, to never go in that direction, thus creating our "protective bubble," eliminates almost every thing in life that is possible. It eliminates living.
For me, it's not the fact that I fear the future, but the fact that I can be, as Wilkinson puts it, "brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous." Why not? If I want to be famous, then why can't I? If I want to be a doctor, then why can't I? If I want to be an author, why can't I? It's an interesting scenario to be placed in. To understand and believe that we can do all things, through Christ who strengthens us, scares us, because, well, how much strength do we truly possess?
Besides, who is justified to "judge" others? Think about it...can we really judge others' lives if we ourselves haven't truly lived, or we don't possess infinite knowledge? You're right...we can't judge others. Now be aware of the difference between legal justice in the form of juries and judges, and the life judgment that we encounter every day. Who is supposed to tell us what we can and cannot do? Only one...God. Not our parents, not our friends, not our lovers, not our teachers...no one but God...the others can help influence our decision...but only God can call us to our "purpose" in life.
And you know what...He already has called us. Look at the Great Commission...God calls us to "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20)
Now, I know it seems so simple...but it also is very complex. We are all ministers of truth and grace and love when we decide to let God be the center of our lives. But since we are all different parts of the body of Christ, then we are all going to be different ministers. Doctors, teachers, lawyers, garbage collectors, janitors...all can be ministers preaching the same love of God...don't ever doubt that. Don't ever feel like the only way to reach the "lost" is with the title of Pastor, Preacher, Minister, Reverend, etc...we are all disciples, followers of Christ, who have been called by God to preach and live out the love of Christ...
So, fear controls our lives...well, fear is not of God. Fear is of humanity. We created fear. The devil perpetuates fear. God destroys fear.
We have unlimited potential with Christ. We have unlimited, unique journeys with God. But we also have the same destination when we allow God to be the judge of our lives, and not the world.
To be quite honest, I am at a loss for words. A lot is going on right now, and it is both good and bad. As I begin my senior year a lot of questions are being asked, with a lot of possible answers:
--Will this be the year I fall in love? Hmm...we'll see (wink wink)
--Will I finally choose a direction for my life? This one is hard, but can also be amended during the course of my life.
--Will truth be revealed? Absolutely...though I am extremely nervous about revealing it!
--Will reconciliation be achieved? Let's hope so...it's a two way street, one that I am quickly finding out requires me to make a move as well as my enemies making a move.
--Will I finally sustain a sense of happiness? Well, instead of happiness, what about, fulfillment?
There are more questions I could pose, but it just becomes irrelevant to my situation, to every person's situation. We are all going through something similar. So what do I do? How do I answer these questions?
Well, I am reading Donald Miller's, "Searching for God Knows What," searching for new music, expressing each day's emotion through a journal, and of course, having, as my friend calls it, JAM time (JAM= Jesus and Me).
Stay tuned!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
This is gonna be a good year. I can feel it...
I started my senior year of college, excited and nervous about my future after college. So much has built up to this point that I feel like I could explode. Big things are gonna happen this year. Truths will be revealed, walls will break down, and something will happen to my life that will direct it in the path it is destined to travel.
Have you ever felt this way? So excited, pumped, nervous, afraid, happy, etc., that you just can't put words behind it? Well, ironically, I am trying to put words behind these emotions as I type this post! Have you ever been more afraid of your next step, but also excited to see where it leads you? It is a really weird feeling.
I feel this conviction in my heart to break away. I feel God saying "Go." But I don't know where, and I think He wants to keep it that. God is telling me to just move. I can feel Him move...and it is weird, because I haven't felt Him move in a long time. I am certainly not refreshed, 100%, or without my stresses, but in thinking about them, I become more and more aware of the gravity placed upon my life by the simple fact that I have been saved by God. I feel this obligation to do more. To get out there. To do what I love, and to do it for the love of Christ. I really can't contain these emotions. I am so excited....
Something big is going to happen this year. More than one life will be changed. More than my life will be changed. This world will change.
I stand on the edge of a cliff, viewing a world that is both beautiful and dangerous. A world I used to call my own, that now rejects me because I never belonged. A world that is hungry and thirsty for more. I stand, afraid to fall, to jump, to be. I stand because I am held. I stand because I am saved. I stand because I am ready to stand. I am ready to jump...
Here I go....wanna join me?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I hate being ignored.
Truth be told, I love being the center of attention. The ability to measure friendship based off attention has been a skill of mine for a long time. Grant it, it is not a healthy skill.
This past week has just been one moment of being ignored after the other. As a leader in Intervarsity, as a student, as a son, as a brother, and as a friend. Sometimes I am even being ignored as a Christian. Hell, it doesn't even have to seem like I am being ignored to make me feel ignored. I take words and actions and I dissect them to the point of where "I love you," or "Wanna hang out?" become "I can't stand you, don't ever be around me."
That seems pretty messed up...I agree with you....but it also seems pretty endless.
How many times do people around me have to show they love me, care for me, or appreciate me for me to understand so?
There's a lot of "me's" in that question. Which reveals a painful truth...selfishness.
I am so consumed by myself that: A) I don't confront it because I enjoy making my friends guilty, and B) I am so blinded by myself that I refuse to see the need to love in return. It is sick, to be quite honest. And until I let it go, it will remain an evil cycle that will transcend away from school and family, into relationships and God. So what do I do?
As obvious as it sounds, letting people know about it is hard to do, especially when you become shameful of your humanness. Why should I tell them? Shouldn't they have some notion that I have a problem? Letting those whom you feel have ignored you is the best way to relational reconciliation. It makes you vulnerable to the truth, and allows God to speak truth to you. Also letting go becomes an easier option...well, that is if you allow everything to be said. For many years now I have attempted to reconcile with people who have wronged me, but I just leave the conversation with unsaid words. I am afraid to hurt them, or allow myself to be wrong. It's called pride.
Revealing humanness, in a sense is revealing weakness, but isn't that good? Aren't all humans weak? Isn't God the only One who is strong? And doesn't He love us regardless of our weakness? So why are we so consumed with being "Strong?"
So like our presidents and many government officials present a "State of __" speech, I shall present a state of the blog speech.
For almost three months, I have taken most of my thoughts to the keyboard in hopes of expressing a realist view of my Christian faith as well as my life. What I type is honest, truth, and sincere in hopes of maybe setting the record straight for people who feel like once you give your life to God all things go right. They don't, but that is where faith and hope come into play. So take what I say as a view on life, faith, and the pursuit of happiness...or in this case, joy and purpose.
One thing I would like to address. I write these posts not in the hope that comments will be received, but I gladly enjoy reading either agreed upon views or frictional views. What you do with my posts is up to you, you may read them, write your feelings about said posts, or you can completely blow them off. Today I was surprised to find a comment on a post I had written a few weeks ago. This comment, to me was offensive and slanderous in nature. While I shall not divulge the comment, or the author, I hope to raise awareness for respect with something I truly care about. I do not tolerate belittling, bigotry, or bullying, and in no way will I be content when someone writes something that could hurt you or myself. This is a free place to express thoughts. I am a Christian, and you may be Atheist. We have differing views. We have completely different backgrounds. But we are also human. We should treat each other with respect, so as to bring together rather than isolate and categorize. I read my blog daily just to see what people have thought about my posts, and when comments are posted, I am very excited to enter into a world that searches for understanding. Please treat this as a respectable place of free speech.
In other news...as the school year descends upon my life, I will be trying to stay on top of the blog. If it becomes weeks or months between posts, please understand my time constraints. I am also going to try to be a little more controversial with my posts. I want to instigate conversation. I want to instigate interest. I hope to not push buttons, but in doing so, I hope you understand the point of this blog as a conversation.
So...until another day...maybe even tomorrow!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Being the musician at heart, I am always searching for that song that speaks to my heart. Last week it was "God is God," by Steven Curtis Chapman and how it convicted my heart to do more for God and for my life. This week is a little different, at least in the genre of music. I love Christian music, as it speaks closest to my heart, but secular music is always catching my ear and really stirring up some stuff.
"Someone to Fall Back On" by Jason Robert Brown is such a song. You may recognize the song's tune from the trailer of the movie "Bandslam." And while at first I bought the version from that movie, I am even more entranced by the original version of the song. To me, it speaks to my human heart and my spiritual heart. Here are the lyrics just so you can understand what I will discuss:
Someone To Fall Back On
I’ll never be A knight in armor With a sword in hand, Or a kamikaze fighter; Don’t count on me To storm the barricades And take a stand, Or hold my ground; You’ll never see Any scars or wounds - I don’t walk on coals, I won’t walk on water:
I am no prince, I am no saint, I am not anyone’s wildest dream, But I can stand behind And be someone to fall back on.
Some comedy - You’re bruised and beaten down And I’m the one Who’s looking for a favor. Still, honestly, You don’t believe me But the things I have Are the things you need. You look at me Like I don’t make sense, Like a waste of time, Like it serves no purpose -
I am no prince, I am no saint, And if that’s what you believe you need, You’re wrong - you don’t need much, You need someone to fall back on...
And I’ll be that: I’ll take your side. If I’m the only one, I’m used to that. I’ve been alone, I’d rather be The half of us, The least of you, The best of me.
And I will be Your prince, I’ll be your saint, I will go crashing through fences In your name. I will, I swear - I’ll be someone to fall back on!
I’ll be the one who waits, And for as long as you’ll let me, I will be the one you need. I’ll be someone to fall back on: Your prince, Your saint, The one you believe you need I’ll be - I’ll be Someone to fall back on.
Pretty interesting lyrics, huh? I love the chorus as it speaks to our imperfections as humans, as lovers, and as Christians.
How am I connecting this song with my spiritual heart?
Well, the fact that the first verse is about not being able to truly fight, sacrificing life is pretty much a direct parallel of my heart for God right now. I love God, and I wish I could fight for Him the way I should, but as my friend "MP" puts it, "Something holds us back. There is this mental block from letting Christ truly take over, and its selfish, but also important." I call it trust issues. So much distrust towards God is inside of my heart that I refuse to truly give Him all of me. I refuse to let my heart fight for God, rather than myself. But the chorus changes. It turns my shame of not letting God have my heart into a charge, a promise to God that I will be here for Him. So, in a sense, my heart is His, but I just don't see it.
The second verse is a little different. I see it as God saying to me that He will be there. He is no prince, and He is no saint, but rather my rock, my stability. I do see Him as a waste of time. He doesn't make sense to my heart, and I still have yet to find a purpose through Him. But He puts it clearly that He is here, providing what I truly need. I don't need a "prince" or a "saint," but a Savior. The last verse and chorus are a promise from me, that while I am not perfect, I am here for God. I am letting Him know that, as long as He needs me I will be here. But it also can be taken as God reassuring my heart, once again, that He is there for me. Whatever way you take it, I hope you see my connection.
But in truth, this post is more about my human heart, my relational heart towards my friends, my future love, and myself.
It is a call to them that I am not perfect, but I am here. I have my struggles, my bruises, my weaknesses, but I still am there for them, regardless of them ignoring me or needing me. I don't make sense at some times to them, because I am different from them.
More importantly this is a promise to my heart that I will be there for myself. When I fall, I will not back down from my shame. When I let myself down, I am still here, trying to find myself. It sounds pretty depressing, and for good measure. I treat myself like crap. I am constantly finding something wrong with myself. And while this seems negative, it is supposed to represent a change in my heart and my view of myself. I am going to try harder to get healthier, physically and mentally.
So take this as you may. I am not in any trouble. I am not in a dark place, but in a clearing in the woods. I see the light. I see the hope. I see myself.
This may seem quite sappy, but we all have our innermost feelings. This is just an outlet for mine to be released.
Have you ever felt like you were supposed to be bigger than you are? Not in terms of size, but in terms of significance, or purpose? I usually get this way when listening to one of two songs. The first, and no jokes please, is "Reach," by Gloria Estefan. Written in 1996 for the Atlanta Olympics, I remember seeing it performed by Estefan at the closing ceremonies, and I was in awe. During that time I really dreamed about going to the Olympic Games for gymnastics, of which I took part in and followed to a "t." That all changed when I quit the sport at 12 years of age, which I kind of regret to this day because I was good at it...but also because it represented another dream differed.
The second, of which has occurred recently, is "God is God," by Steven Curtis Chapman. I haven't really been an afficionado of Christian music, primarily because of the "cheesiness" of some of the songs and artists, but this song, from one of the pre-eminent Contemporary Christian artists of our time really caught me off guard. So far I have listened to the song over 30 times since I purchased it on Saturday. The song, ladened with amazing beats and vocals, is more riveting in its driving music and lyrics. I have never felt more convicted, yet disappointed when I listen to the song. To me, I feel so charged to get out there and be something that I just wish I could leave my bedroom right now and live on my own. I feel like when I listen to this song I could do something great with my life. I feel like I should be singing this song...no, not that I should be Steven Curtis Chapman, but that I should be singing this song about following God and charging the peoples to listen to Him. I feel like this is the song of my life...and song that combines music, lyrics, God, and dramatics to create something that, if it has changed my heart, it could change the hearts of many.
But then reality sets in, and I realize I have gotten my head trapped in the clouds. Is it shame? Is it jealousy? Is it a desire to be individually significant?
It's a combination of all three...and more. I hate that I am 21 years of age, and yet I still have nothing, in my mind, significant to show for my life. I haven't accomplished anything I feel is worthy of, well to sound selfish, fame and influence. I have a lot to offer. And I have been told I have a lot of talent in many fields (I need to say it like that because a lot of the time I feel I am not so talented, but that's another post!). Here I am, sitting in my room, and all I can do is listen to this song 1000 times, until I am so bored with it that I put it down. But I am not bored with the song. The more I listen to it, the more I am entranced by the passion, charge, emotion, and faith behind the song.
But what is God trying to say to me through this song?
I think God is telling me that it is time to get up and do something with my life. In my heart I feel Him telling me to follow my dreams, not for me, but for Him. Now before you go and refute that statement, let me explain. I feel like God is saying for me to follow my dreams because He will be glorified through it. He has prepared me with talent, heart, honesty, and faith to go out and not be afraid of the world. I have a story to tell through my life and my dreams. God is out there, as well as in my heart.
But how do I get over the "shame-shock" that hits when I hear this song, "Reach," or see others doing great things with their lives? How do I get over my life, and begin to live it? How do I get over myself, and get on board with God?
I may be small, but God is so big...and if He loves me, then that makes me pretty important to Him...and since He loves all of us, then we are pretty significant to Him.
He has great things planned for me...I am gonna be used in ways I can't even imagine. Who knows, maybe one day I will have a song that does the same to another person in the world. Who knows, but God?
So I am sitting here, at 1:03am and I have no clue what I am praying to You about. For some reason sleep escapes me, preventing me the rest from the busyness of my mind. I am none to happy with You, God. For one thing, I am up at 1:03am. But more importantly I am not happy with You because I feel lost. So many questions are running through my mind, that everything feels and seems like a confusing blur called life.
I have done so much to not be proud of, and that is all I can think about. My friendships have deteriorated to the point where I really question who is my friend, and who isn't. My future is up in the air because I can't really commit to any dream that I plan. And what's worse is that You and Me just don't seem to be on good terms. The only thing I know how to do is to pray to You, lay it all out there, and hope that You see me and grant me at least rest.
God, my friends probably hate me. I have been a real jerk to each and every one of them this past year. I have expected them to be there for me, while I was not there for them. I invaded their lives to the point of becoming dependent upon them to carry me, even when I was able to walk. I am afraid of losing them God. And I am afraid of making them You. I go to them more than I come to You, a problem which has hit me hard recently. Jealousy has taken over my heart, creating hatred and disgust towards them, and sneering behind their backs in order to lift my own personal spirit. They can't trust me because I don't allow them to. I break them down at the first sign of responsibility. Most of my friendships aren't healthy because I refuse to be honest, and put my hope and trust in You to provide the community I need to follow You. God, help to be a better person towards them, so that I may be a better person towards my enemies and those who I have yet to meet.
God, my future is so up in the air. I want to follow You, but I feel like I have to be a pastor to do so, which is not what I want to do. I want to sing God. I want to help people God. I want to do great things God. But I am afraid of taking that next step because what if it isn't what You have planned for me? I don't want to upset You. All I know is that I want to do something that makes me happy, but also something that You have planned for me. Speak to me in ways that will lead me into the future You have promised for me.
God, You and I are not on good terms. I am so angry at You because I feel forgotten and un-loved. I pray to for answers, only to gain more questions. I try to seek You, only to become more lost in the process. God, it is not You who should change, but me. Open my eyes to see Your glory. I am afraid of You. This world has told me who You are, but I don't know You are in my heart. I love You so much. Your grace has saved me, allowing me to stand beside You, ready to spread the same love shown to me. God, I do not doubt my salvation, but I am afraid that my mind is winning the battle between my heart. Protect me from the perils of this world. Be my shield and sword. Only You are truth, and not any person, country, political sphere, etc..
Every day I am looking at You and Your glory in a new vantage point. Continue to mold me in to the man You want me to be. God, provide me rest. Rest for a heart that is weary. Rest for a mind that is tired. Rest for a man who is lost.
Naturally as a person with real green eyes, I guess it comes as no surprise that I tend to get jealous quite often. Recently, as in the past two years, I have noticed my jealousy arising on a weekly, if not sometimes, daily basis. Now, it would moot to ask if any one has ever been jealous before, but when you ask yourself that question, it brings to the forefront all of the insecurities and faults of your life.
This past week has really seen a resurgence in my "green-eyed" monster. I am jealous more of my friends, than anyone else, and that really takes a toll on my personal life, as in my introverted self. My friends are amazing people, who have overcome amazing obstacles, and have become great friends and followers of Christ. But I just feel like I pale in comparison to them. One friend has such an international heart, yearning to reach out to the world outside of the U.S.. Another friend is so passionate about youth that he has created a ministry that is going to reach middle and high-schoolers, and it has gained the backing of most of the people I know. Another is really passionate about prayer and literally is the go-to person when I need prayer. And when I look at myself, I see someone who has yet to find his niche. I want to be just like my friends. I want to do the same great things they are doing, and it stings when I somewhat fail or flounder in my attempts.
So what is God trying to tell me? Well, in my heart, I feel Him telling me to quit looking to others for a calling and a hope, and to look the One who actually promised hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I feel Him saying, "Sam, stop. Breathe. You are ok. Nothing is wrong with you. You are different my son. You have other hearts to touch. Patience." Why is it that patience is the answer? Well, God wants us to see the beauty in His love. If we go at it in a blur, thinking we know what we are doing, we lose sight of the being truly behind our actions. It becomes no longer God's plan, but our goal.
It's a tough line to walk. But the amazing thing is that God loves us, even when we are the most jealous people on the planet. God knows our hearts. He knows that we yearn for significance and for purpose. He also knows we need to be loved, and loving ourselves, in my opinion, second only to loving God.
I am a natural green-eyed monster, but praise God in His forgiveness and His blessings. I am not like you or anyone else. My path is going to be different, but it also will be beautiful. God will do great things, with or without me, but praise Him for allowing me to do it for Him!
Have you ever just wanted God to come right down from heaven and speak to you in the same way He spoke to Moses, and other great people in the Bible? Have you ever wondered why you can't hear God? Have you ever tried to hear a whisper so much that your head actually hurt?
Hearing God is a problem for me. My world is constantly filled with "noise." This isn't found just in audible sounds, but also just busyness, and an attitude that seemingly shuts God out, when ironically I am trying to personally get closer to Him. Another part of my problem is the fact that as an intelligent being, I am constantly supplanting God with logic. I used to pray right before I went to bed, but not on my knees, but as I was laying in bed. And while I did that, and I still do, I would tell myself that I was praying to the ceiling, or that because God wasn't speaking to me in my way, that He didn't exist. It had been like that since I gave my life to God. I expected to be treated much like Moses was with the burning bush.
It's hard to have faith. But if it were easy, then that would make God less of God and more of the world. It would diminish His vastness and His great power, that is impossible for us to comprehend let alone accomplish on our own. So why do we base our faith off of "hearing" God? What is it about the word "calling" that seemingly makes us believe that being called by God to something, or even being just in the presence of Him means we have to hear with our ears? In my opinion, much to my disliking, I feel like God really isn't going to come right out and say things. He knows what's going on, and while we don't, and wish we did, He is ultimately in control. Remember, in 1 Kings 19, Elijah expects God to come in the wind, an earthquake or a fire, but rather comes to Him in a whisper.
I think we'll know when God is truly speaking to our hearts. It's called conviction. Mandisa loves to put it this way in her song "God Speaking":
"Have you ever heard a love song that set your spirit free? Have you ever watched a sunrise and felt you could not breathe? What if it's Him? What if it's God speaking? Have you ever cried a tear that you could not explain? Have you ever met a stranger who already knew your name? What if it's Him? What if it's God speaking?
Who knows how He'll get a hold of us? Get our attention to prove He is enough? He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to... to tell us 'I love you.'
Have you ever lost a loved one who you thought should still be here? Do you know what it feels like to be tangled up in fear? What if He's somehow involved? What if He's speaking through it all?
Who knows how He'll get a hold of us? Get our attention to prove He is enough? He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to... to tell us 'I love you.'
His ways are higher... His ways are better... Though sometimes strange What could be stranger than God in a manger?
Who knows how He'll get a hold of us? Get our attention to prove He is enough? Who knows how He'll get a hold of you? Get your attention to prove He is enough? He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to... to tell us 'I love you.'
There is a way that God reaches each and every one of us. And each time it is unique to each and every one of us. I had to understand this before I could go any further in my walk. Last semester I was very angry at God because He had blessed a friend with a great ministry idea and opportunity. Suddenly I could sense God working in his life, and I felt left out. I felt forgotten by God and by my friend. Here was a guy who had given his life to Christ, and God was blessing him with an opportunity that was perfectly tailored to him. It was amazing to see, and I was one jealous soul. But it took some time for me to realize that I wasn't going to be in the same boat as my friend was. I was different. There is something out there for me, but I was so focused on getting the same blessing that my friend received, that I failed to see what a blessing God had given me through grace and life. And it has taken me even longer to realize, and overcome my shame at my attitude toward my friend. I still to this day don't feel right with him, and it kills me. But God is taking my shame and He is turning it into a great blessing.
Hearing God is not a direct measure of faith. Hoping to hear God, and not hearing Him should not destroy your faith, but empower it because it allows you to truly get to the root of your life, and that is where God truly is. God, as shown in the above lyrics, will do whatever He wants to to tell us He loves us, and He is going to use us, and He is going to save us. And in today's technological society, there are even greater opportunities to find God's voice.
But I think the best way, and a way I have been learning to practice more, is to just be silent. It's when you stop talking that your ears begin listening to God's voice. We are surrounded by noise, and while it is a beautiful thing, and we find God in songs, movies, commercials, etc. God is found greater within our hearts.
"Who knows how He'll get a hold of us? Get our attention to prove He is enough? He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to To tell us, 'I love you'
"God is speaking, 'I love You.'"
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Have you ever politely, not cared? I don' think it's apathy, but it's pretty darn close. Apathy seems to have a negative connotation that represents sloth and heartlessness. This feeling is certainly not said feelings. It may be more closely related to empathy, but who cares...haha.
The past few weeks, maybe even months, I have been on this search for an identity. The past three years have been filled with sleepless nights devoted to worrying about my life and what to do with it. Not negatively, mind you, but I am in college, and I feel like I need to asking myself the hard questions. Where do I see myself in a year? In ten years? What am I going to do after this last year of college? Where and how am I going to live? But more importantly, who am I, and what have I discovered about myself while here at college?
God and I were never really close, no matter how much I played the part. And while I was devoted to Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and my home church, I couldn't help but feel bound and constrained. I love the people in both places, and I have learned so much from being a part of their respective, figurative lives. But I also feel like I am enhancing this bubble that I have lived in for 21 years. The church is all I have known. I don't know the world that's out there for me. And while I wasn't the most sheltered child, I still feel like I also wasn't the most exposed. Which is tough considering as a Christian I should be out in this world, living for Christ and such...but I don't know this world, and now I feel like I can't leave the bubble I am hiding in to get out there.
I'm not saying let me loose and see what I do. I am not saying that I want to go off the deep end and end up living with out God. I feel a lot of Christians don't like to think of living without thinking of living for Christ. And I guess that is where I am different. I guess that is where the friction comes in place. It's not about a social life. It's not about success. But what am I going to show about my life at the pearly gates of Heaven if all I have done is made friends within the Christian community? I've belabored my weeks with countless Christian functions including church, bible study, and the occasional retreat to the point of where I literally have realized that I have been acting as a Christian in name only. I did all of this to remain busy, and to remain attached to the friends I thought I would lose. But if they are my friends, than they will care for me even when I am not there...right? Yes.
But wait there's more...this is getting good!
Looking back at my life is something I am good at. I am always critcizing myself about the "what-ifs" and "coulda-woulda-shoulda." But surprisingly I feel like God has finally commanded me to live. The only problem is I am so used to looking back and worrying about looking forward. Which brings me to my definition of what "living" is. Living is living without a care. Living with the ability to go out into the world and experience it, producing an open mind that isn't neccessarily accepting of non-Christian values and society, but at least respectful of it. Why live like I am afraid of this world? I am not afraid of the world because I am not of this world...and as a follower of Christ, fear is not something He produces!
I also have matured. At least I think I have. I feel like I am different from most Christians, and almost all non-Christians, which puts me in an amazing, yet difficult position. I am not one to listen almost exclusively to Christian music, nor do I exclusively listen to secular music. I do read the occasional Christian book, but T.S. Eliot gets me every time. And I am living under the belief that to do something for God and to live for Him, does not involve me being a pastor or starting a ministry (If that is you...more power to you!). Personally I think God wouldn't give a flying flip if you exclusively listened to Christian music, spoke no cuss-words, and only read scripture. To me, I think He would be quite upset, because that puts in a place where we act like we are above this world. Trust me, I drink, I have a habit of cussing on the road (road rage!), and I listen to a majority of secular music, and yet I still feel as if I have been living like I looked down on the rest of the world.
God and I are getting better. In fact I don't think I have ever been this sure of my faith in Him than now. He has molded me into really asking the tough life questions.
And to be honest...right now, I don't really care what you think of me. God thinks highly of me because I am His child. And I think He sees potential in everyone and He loves the regardless.
Sorry...this might not be the most coherent of topics, but it is a conglomeration of thoughts that have been in my mind for the past week!
I always have a hard time with this box, primarily because I have way too much to want to say...but here it goes:
I am pretty freakin' redonkulous...'nuff said.
