Have you ever politely, not cared? I don' think it's apathy, but it's pretty darn close. Apathy seems to have a negative connotation that represents sloth and heartlessness. This feeling is certainly not said feelings. It may be more closely related to empathy, but who cares...haha.

The past few weeks, maybe even months, I have been on this search for an identity. The past three years have been filled with sleepless nights devoted to worrying about my life and what to do with it. Not negatively, mind you, but I am in college, and I feel like I need to asking myself the hard questions. Where do I see myself in a year? In ten years? What am I going to do after this last year of college? Where and how am I going to live? But more importantly, who am I, and what have I discovered about myself while here at college?

God and I were never really close, no matter how much I played the part. And while I was devoted to Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and my home church, I couldn't help but feel bound and constrained. I love the people in both places, and I have learned so much from being a part of their respective, figurative lives. But I also feel like I am enhancing this bubble that I have lived in for 21 years. The church is all I have known. I don't know the world that's out there for me. And while I wasn't the most sheltered child, I still feel like I also wasn't the most exposed. Which is tough considering as a Christian I should be out in this world, living for Christ and such...but I don't know this world, and now I feel like I can't leave the bubble I am hiding in to get out there.

I'm not saying let me loose and see what I do. I am not saying that I want to go off the deep end and end up living with out God. I feel a lot of Christians don't like to think of living without thinking of living for Christ. And I guess that is where I am different. I guess that is where the friction comes in place. It's not about a social life. It's not about success. But what am I going to show about my life at the pearly gates of Heaven if all I have done is made friends within the Christian community? I've belabored my weeks with countless Christian functions including church, bible study, and the occasional retreat to the point of where I literally have realized that I have been acting as a Christian in name only. I did all of this to remain busy, and to remain attached to the friends I thought I would lose. But if they are my friends, than they will care for me even when I am not there...right? Yes.

But wait there's more...this is getting good!

Looking back at my life is something I am good at. I am always critcizing myself about the "what-ifs" and "coulda-woulda-shoulda." But surprisingly I feel like God has finally commanded me to live. The only problem is I am so used to looking back and worrying about looking forward. Which brings me to my definition of what "living" is. Living is living without a care. Living with the ability to go out into the world and experience it, producing an open mind that isn't neccessarily accepting of non-Christian values and society, but at least respectful of it. Why live like I am afraid of this world? I am not afraid of the world because I am not of this world...and as a follower of Christ, fear is not something He produces!

I also have matured. At least I think I have. I feel like I am different from most Christians, and almost all non-Christians, which puts me in an amazing, yet difficult position. I am not one to listen almost exclusively to Christian music, nor do I exclusively listen to secular music. I do read the occasional Christian book, but T.S. Eliot gets me every time. And I am living under the belief that to do something for God and to live for Him, does not involve me being a pastor or starting a ministry (If that is you...more power to you!). Personally I think God wouldn't give a flying flip if you exclusively listened to Christian music, spoke no cuss-words, and only read scripture. To me, I think He would be quite upset, because that puts in a place where we act like we are above this world. Trust me, I drink, I have a habit of cussing on the road (road rage!), and I listen to a majority of secular music, and yet I still feel as if I have been living like I looked down on the rest of the world.

God and I are getting better. In fact I don't think I have ever been this sure of my faith in Him than now. He has molded me into really asking the tough life questions.

And to be honest...right now, I don't really care what you think of me. God thinks highly of me because I am His child. And I think He sees potential in everyone and He loves the regardless.

Sorry...this might not be the most coherent of topics, but it is a conglomeration of thoughts that have been in my mind for the past week!