Being the musician at heart, I am always searching for that song that speaks to my heart. Last week it was "God is God," by Steven Curtis Chapman and how it convicted my heart to do more for God and for my life. This week is a little different, at least in the genre of music. I love Christian music, as it speaks closest to my heart, but secular music is always catching my ear and really stirring up some stuff.

"Someone to Fall Back On" by Jason Robert Brown is such a song. You may recognize the song's tune from the trailer of the movie "Bandslam." And while at first I bought the version from that movie, I am even more entranced by the original version of the song. To me, it speaks to my human heart and my spiritual heart. Here are the lyrics just so you can understand what I will discuss:

Someone To Fall Back On

I’ll never be
A knight in armor
With a sword in hand,
Or a kamikaze fighter;
Don’t count on me
To storm the barricades
And take a stand,
Or hold my ground;
You’ll never see
Any scars or wounds -
I don’t walk on coals,
I won’t walk on water:

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone’s wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

Some comedy -
You’re bruised and beaten down
And I’m the one
Who’s looking for a favor.
Still, honestly,
You don’t believe me
But the things I have
Are the things you need.
You look at me
Like I don’t make sense,
Like a waste of time,
Like it serves no purpose -

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
And if that’s what you believe you need,
You’re wrong - you don’t need much,
You need someone to fall back on...

And I’ll be that:
I’ll take your side.
If I’m the only one,
I’m used to that.
I’ve been alone,
I’d rather be
The half of us,
The least of you,
The best of me.

And I will be
Your prince,
I’ll be your saint,
I will go crashing through fences
In your name. I will, I swear -
I’ll be someone to fall back on!

I’ll be the one who waits,
And for as long as you’ll let me,
I will be the one you need.
I’ll be someone to fall back on:
Your prince,
Your saint,
The one you believe you need
I’ll be - I’ll be
Someone to fall back on.

Pretty interesting lyrics, huh? I love the chorus as it speaks to our imperfections as humans, as lovers, and as Christians.

How am I connecting this song with my spiritual heart?

Well, the fact that the first verse is about not being able to truly fight, sacrificing life is pretty much a direct parallel of my heart for God right now. I love God, and I wish I could fight for Him the way I should, but as my friend "MP" puts it, "Something holds us back. There is this mental block from letting Christ truly take over, and its selfish, but also important." I call it trust issues. So much distrust towards God is inside of my heart that I refuse to truly give Him all of me. I refuse to let my heart fight for God, rather than myself. But the chorus changes. It turns my shame of not letting God have my heart into a charge, a promise to God that I will be here for Him. So, in a sense, my heart is His, but I just don't see it.

The second verse is a little different. I see it as God saying to me that He will be there. He is no prince, and He is no saint, but rather my rock, my stability. I do see Him as a waste of time. He doesn't make sense to my heart, and I still have yet to find a purpose through Him. But He puts it clearly that He is here, providing what I truly need. I don't need a "prince" or a "saint," but a Savior. The last verse and chorus are a promise from me, that while I am not perfect, I am here for God. I am letting Him know that, as long as He needs me I will be here. But it also can be taken as God reassuring my heart, once again, that He is there for me. Whatever way you take it, I hope you see my connection.

But in truth, this post is more about my human heart, my relational heart towards my friends, my future love, and myself.

It is a call to them that I am not perfect, but I am here. I have my struggles, my bruises, my weaknesses, but I still am there for them, regardless of them ignoring me or needing me. I don't make sense at some times to them, because I am different from them.

More importantly this is a promise to my heart that I will be there for myself. When I fall, I will not back down from my shame. When I let myself down, I am still here, trying to find myself. It sounds pretty depressing, and for good measure. I treat myself like crap. I am constantly finding something wrong with myself. And while this seems negative, it is supposed to represent a change in my heart and my view of myself. I am going to try harder to get healthier, physically and mentally.

So take this as you may. I am not in any trouble. I am not in a dark place, but in a clearing in the woods. I see the light. I see the hope. I see myself.

This may seem quite sappy, but we all have our innermost feelings. This is just an outlet for mine to be released.

Listen to the song...I hope you enjoy.

Until next time...