Prayer at 1:03 am

Dear God,

So I am sitting here, at 1:03am and I have no clue what I am praying to You about. For some reason sleep escapes me, preventing me the rest from the busyness of my mind. I am none to happy with You, God. For one thing, I am up at 1:03am. But more importantly I am not happy with You because I feel lost. So many questions are running through my mind, that everything feels and seems like a confusing blur called life.

I have done so much to not be proud of, and that is all I can think about. My friendships have deteriorated to the point where I really question who is my friend, and who isn't. My future is up in the air because I can't really commit to any dream that I plan. And what's worse is that You and Me just don't seem to be on good terms. The only thing I know how to do is to pray to You, lay it all out there, and hope that You see me and grant me at least rest.

God, my friends probably hate me. I have been a real jerk to each and every one of them this past year. I have expected them to be there for me, while I was not there for them. I invaded their lives to the point of becoming dependent upon them to carry me, even when I was able to walk. I am afraid of losing them God. And I am afraid of making them You. I go to them more than I come to You, a problem which has hit me hard recently. Jealousy has taken over my heart, creating hatred and disgust towards them, and sneering behind their backs in order to lift my own personal spirit. They can't trust me because I don't allow them to. I break them down at the first sign of responsibility. Most of my friendships aren't healthy because I refuse to be honest, and put my hope and trust in You to provide the community I need to follow You. God, help to be a better person towards them, so that I may be a better person towards my enemies and those who I have yet to meet.

God, my future is so up in the air. I want to follow You, but I feel like I have to be a pastor to do so, which is not what I want to do. I want to sing God. I want to help people God. I want to do great things God. But I am afraid of taking that next step because what if it isn't what You have planned for me? I don't want to upset You. All I know is that I want to do something that makes me happy, but also something that You have planned for me. Speak to me in ways that will lead me into the future You have promised for me.

God, You and I are not on good terms. I am so angry at You because I feel forgotten and un-loved. I pray to for answers, only to gain more questions. I try to seek You, only to become more lost in the process. God, it is not You who should change, but me. Open my eyes to see Your glory. I am afraid of You. This world has told me who You are, but I don't know You are in my heart. I love You so much. Your grace has saved me, allowing me to stand beside You, ready to spread the same love shown to me. God, I do not doubt my salvation, but I am afraid that my mind is winning the battle between my heart. Protect me from the perils of this world. Be my shield and sword. Only You are truth, and not any person, country, political sphere, etc..

Every day I am looking at You and Your glory in a new vantage point. Continue to mold me in to the man You want me to be. God, provide me rest. Rest for a heart that is weary. Rest for a mind that is tired. Rest for a man who is lost.

I love You Lord.

Amen