I hate being ignored.

Truth be told, I love being the center of attention. The ability to measure friendship based off attention has been a skill of mine for a long time. Grant it, it is not a healthy skill.

This past week has just been one moment of being ignored after the other. As a leader in Intervarsity, as a student, as a son, as a brother, and as a friend. Sometimes I am even being ignored as a Christian. Hell, it doesn't even have to seem like I am being ignored to make me feel ignored. I take words and actions and I dissect them to the point of where "I love you," or "Wanna hang out?" become "I can't stand you, don't ever be around me."

That seems pretty messed up...I agree with you....but it also seems pretty endless.

How many times do people around me have to show they love me, care for me, or appreciate me for me to understand so?

There's a lot of "me's" in that question. Which reveals a painful truth...selfishness.

I am so consumed by myself that: A) I don't confront it because I enjoy making my friends guilty, and B) I am so blinded by myself that I refuse to see the need to love in return. It is sick, to be quite honest. And until I let it go, it will remain an evil cycle that will transcend away from school and family, into relationships and God. So what do I do?

As obvious as it sounds, letting people know about it is hard to do, especially when you become shameful of your humanness. Why should I tell them? Shouldn't they have some notion that I have a problem? Letting those whom you feel have ignored you is the best way to relational reconciliation. It makes you vulnerable to the truth, and allows God to speak truth to you. Also letting go becomes an easier option...well, that is if you allow everything to be said. For many years now I have attempted to reconcile with people who have wronged me, but I just leave the conversation with unsaid words. I am afraid to hurt them, or allow myself to be wrong. It's called pride.

Revealing humanness, in a sense is revealing weakness, but isn't that good? Aren't all humans weak? Isn't God the only One who is strong? And doesn't He love us regardless of our weakness? So why are we so consumed with being "Strong?"

hmm....I guess that's for another time...