Plea for Patience

Do you love being the center of attention? Do you love the fact that sometimes it seems like everything goes through you? I personally love it. I love being in control, being in the zone. Which is why the past year God has seemingly ripped (emphasis on ripped) the control right out of my hands. I don't like talking about because I feel like some people have heard enough of this, and to others, well you just don't know. I get tired of it too people...but I find that God has to be behind something that has been going on, unrelentingly, for the past year.

Last year was not that much fun for me. I wasn't the best person on the planet, and my friends obviously were my targets. I treated them like dirt. One of them, started an awesome ministry that reached out to middle and high schoolers. "Wow that's so amazing, so what is the problem?" you ask. Well, I was hurt because somehow I wasn't involved. It seems really shallow, vain, and conceited, I know...trust me...but in being honest I was pissed off because I wasn't thought of in the process. In fact it was hidden from me. Now, before you go on painting this image of an enemy, it's not them, it was me. Every time I heard about the ministry, and saw the amount of people who were charged up over it, I fumed in anger. It was as if God was saying to me, through this person, that I wasn't good enough, and that I would never be. That's not the way to go about these feelings, but more on that later. I haven't really gotten over it as you can tell, but it gets better.

Well recently I have been feeling like more and more people are going behind my back and doing stuff that is amazing. Like today. Today was the start of, yet another, evangelism mission that was the "brainchild" of three friends. When they discussed how they got together and prayed about it, it hit me, "Why wasn't I involved? Why is it these people, and not me? What did I do? What does this mean?" I was angry the whole time, really truly, which sucks because it is totally not something I should be angry over.

I feel more and more left out, as if my spiritual gifts are not worthy enough to be considered. And to be quite honest, I could care less about my spiritual gifts, so it should be more like, I am not worthy to be considered. What's worse is the position this places me. I love these friends. I love these people. But if I were to be honest with them, I would look selfish. And if I were to vocalize these feelings, I would be lambasted. So what better way to deal with these recurring feelings than to internalize them? WRONG!!!

See I used to think that I never gave myself credit for anything. My spiritual gifts weren't really gifts that were unique to me, because soon after their discovery, someone else, who in my opinion was better than me, would supplant me and I would be subject to being forgotten. Well, as it turns out, I actually give myself way too much credit...to the point of being conceited. I am selfish. And as odd as it sounds, a diva. If I am not involved with it, then it doesn't matter. So what to do?

Well, this year I am trying to take every thought captive. It's an odd action to do because I really am taking my thoughts of hate and lack of self worth, and turning them around into praises towards God. And as odd as it is, I need to keep doing them. I need to realize my self worth in God, not my talents. A good friend put it this way: "You are not the same as the person next to you. You are looking for a purpose in all the wrong places. If you try to be like the person next to you, then you leave behind the person God wants for you to be. You keep taking on so much in order to please yourself, God, and others, that you are ending up more angry, more depressed, and more vain than you started."

So I need to be patient with God. There is a purpose out there for me. Again, as another friend put it, "We are perfectly positioned by God to make an impact with others." So there is something out there for me. Instead of over-analyzing and second guessing myself, I need to be patient and wait. Great...I hate that...

That means that I need to place God as the controller, and not me. In fact He has already been in control.

What's next...forgiveness. I can be of no good when I try to love on others while I have a hard heart towards others. It defeats the purpose of unconditional love...and even though it seems like humans cannot love unconditionally, God does, and Jesus does...and as Christians, we are called to be like Jesus. I used to say that I would never forgive the people who wronged me. Well that meant I never forgave myself. Look where that got me.

It's time for a change. It's time for someone else to take the wheel. Here I am Lord...waiting...