Wow...it has been quite some time since my last post. Sorry about that...so much is going on in my life that I barely have enough time to get a good night's sleep. Ahh the life of a college senior!

But aside from academia and social activities, I have really hit a point in my walk with Christ that seems to be critical to my future. I am having to ask myself, and eventually answer, some very hard questions. My faith is being tested...well, it's being questioned. But the culprit is not this world, nor my friends, family, or even God. It's me...

I am gonna sound like a broken record. But in a sense, aren't we all broken records? Aren't we all yearning for the same things over and over? When does it hit us that we have been satisfied? Hmm...for another time!

Some people ask me why I post such deep thoughts publicly, fearing that my dirty laundry will be sprawled out and I would be under the microscope. Well, I want to. I want to end rumors and reveal truth about my life, and about what a real Christian looks like. Not saying that my friends and family aren't real Christians. I know they are...hence why God placed them in my life. But a lot of the time we tend to hide behind a veil of secrecy, or of ambiguity, or timidity. It was hard for me, as a young Christian, to understand that when I gave my life to Christ, I was actually making a "life" commitment. Change wasn't going to happen instantly. I wasn't going to be molded into the man God wants me to be in a day. And trust me, I have struggled with this for a long time.

To be quite honest with you, I look at myself as being a "bad" Christian. I don't allow time with God as much as I should, and don't place me first in your references for Bible knowledge. I really could care less about that. But that doesn't mean I don't yearn for Christ. It seems like everyday I want to pray, and rarely pray to God about Him being revealed to me. I want God. I want to feel Him and hear Him and love Him. But that's all very conditional. Its all very temporal. It's all about me...not Him. Which adds to why last week was a point in my life where God was basically hitting me over the head with a rock about my relationship with Him.

I will start with last Sunday. I woke up following an awesome Halloween...yes I celebrate it, get over it. I wasn't pumped that it was Sunday. Usually that incurs a decision that must be made. Do I go to church, or do I not? I usually go to church because others are going, and since I didn't know of anyone going to church that day, I had all but made up my mind not to go to church. But I did. I ended up getting ready and driving 15 minutes to the church I had been going to for about a month, and I went to church. I wasn't expecting much. In fact I was expecting to be alone amongst the congregation. To me church was a social event, not a Christ intervention.
So I sat amongst the congregation, not expecting much, but receiving a lot.

Isn't it weird how God moves when we expect nothing? Isn't weird how God uses others to really get the point across about our individual relationship with Him?

As the pastor rose to speak, he mentioned that he was about to step out of the norm for him. Reciting how he felt naked and vulnerable, my ears perked up. And it happened. God spoke. Through the pastor I could sense the urgency, the plea, the desire, and the love behind the message that God was telling me. As the pastor spoke of how he kept following God, and using his gifts to glorify God, he mentioned that he still felt detached from Him. He still felt lost. He still felt alone. It was such a parallel to my life, that I was just silent the entire time. My eyes were glued to my pastor, waiting for the next word. How could this be? How could my pastor be going through the same thing I was going through? How could someone who I perceived as far more mature in his spiritual walk be going through something similar to my life? Was this God? Was He really speaking to me through this man? Yes.

"Isn't it weird, awe-inspiring that God can use the gifts bestowed upon someone, yet in the same breath can destroy that gift at any point in time? Isn't it powerful to realize the control God has? Isn't it frightening to realize our temporary lives? But isn't it beautiful that God loves us still? Isn't it beautiful that He has control, and not us? He hasn't let go. He hasn't dropped you for the latest trend, the latest search for perfection."

"Here I was using my God-given gift, following the call of God to spread the good news, yet the same message I would preach on Sundays, I would hide from in my own life? I was detached from Christ. I was alone. Why? How?"

The above quotes are summaries of the message given by my pastor. And all I could do on my return to campus was reflect. I didn't know what to do. And so I forgot it...

Then Thursday happened. Thursday I traveled to Winston-Salem to celebrate a large group with Salem College's Intervarsity Chapter. It was awesome...until the message. Again I was challenged by God to look at my life. To look at why I was afraid to let Him have it all. As the message continued, it spoke of our fear, pride, and pausing from accepting the call of God. And the room got very hot. I was sweating. And again I sat silently, in anticipation for the next word. But again, I didn't act. Again I sat cold as stone. Again I returned in silence and reflection, and not proactivity.

So that is where I am at right now. I am detached from Christ. But even though I feel like He has given up, He hasn't. And I just want to have this breakdown. I just want to let go of all responsibility. Forget the world for just one minute. Forget the constant judgement. I just want to let go...

Hopefully God will catch me...

I love God...I do. But what's it going to take for me to LOVE God? When is this mental block going to give way? Why am I stuck...

I keep feeling like I am being told to go. I keep feeling like God is really, intently, and urgently crying out to me to let go of this world...

to let go of friends...

to let go of future...

to let go of past

to let go of me...

Hmm...until next time!