I hate being ignored.

Truth be told, I love being the center of attention. The ability to measure friendship based off attention has been a skill of mine for a long time. Grant it, it is not a healthy skill.

This past week has just been one moment of being ignored after the other. As a leader in Intervarsity, as a student, as a son, as a brother, and as a friend. Sometimes I am even being ignored as a Christian. Hell, it doesn't even have to seem like I am being ignored to make me feel ignored. I take words and actions and I dissect them to the point of where "I love you," or "Wanna hang out?" become "I can't stand you, don't ever be around me."

That seems pretty messed up...I agree with you....but it also seems pretty endless.

How many times do people around me have to show they love me, care for me, or appreciate me for me to understand so?

There's a lot of "me's" in that question. Which reveals a painful truth...selfishness.

I am so consumed by myself that: A) I don't confront it because I enjoy making my friends guilty, and B) I am so blinded by myself that I refuse to see the need to love in return. It is sick, to be quite honest. And until I let it go, it will remain an evil cycle that will transcend away from school and family, into relationships and God. So what do I do?

As obvious as it sounds, letting people know about it is hard to do, especially when you become shameful of your humanness. Why should I tell them? Shouldn't they have some notion that I have a problem? Letting those whom you feel have ignored you is the best way to relational reconciliation. It makes you vulnerable to the truth, and allows God to speak truth to you. Also letting go becomes an easier option...well, that is if you allow everything to be said. For many years now I have attempted to reconcile with people who have wronged me, but I just leave the conversation with unsaid words. I am afraid to hurt them, or allow myself to be wrong. It's called pride.

Revealing humanness, in a sense is revealing weakness, but isn't that good? Aren't all humans weak? Isn't God the only One who is strong? And doesn't He love us regardless of our weakness? So why are we so consumed with being "Strong?"

hmm....I guess that's for another time...

State of the Blog

So like our presidents and many government officials present a "State of __" speech, I shall present a state of the blog speech.

For almost three months, I have taken most of my thoughts to the keyboard in hopes of expressing a realist view of my Christian faith as well as my life. What I type is honest, truth, and sincere in hopes of maybe setting the record straight for people who feel like once you give your life to God all things go right. They don't, but that is where faith and hope come into play. So take what I say as a view on life, faith, and the pursuit of happiness...or in this case, joy and purpose.

One thing I would like to address. I write these posts not in the hope that comments will be received, but I gladly enjoy reading either agreed upon views or frictional views. What you do with my posts is up to you, you may read them, write your feelings about said posts, or you can completely blow them off. Today I was surprised to find a comment on a post I had written a few weeks ago. This comment, to me was offensive and slanderous in nature. While I shall not divulge the comment, or the author, I hope to raise awareness for respect with something I truly care about. I do not tolerate belittling, bigotry, or bullying, and in no way will I be content when someone writes something that could hurt you or myself. This is a free place to express thoughts. I am a Christian, and you may be Atheist. We have differing views. We have completely different backgrounds. But we are also human. We should treat each other with respect, so as to bring together rather than isolate and categorize. I read my blog daily just to see what people have thought about my posts, and when comments are posted, I am very excited to enter into a world that searches for understanding. Please treat this as a respectable place of free speech.

In other news...as the school year descends upon my life, I will be trying to stay on top of the blog. If it becomes weeks or months between posts, please understand my time constraints. I am also going to try to be a little more controversial with my posts. I want to instigate conversation. I want to instigate interest. I hope to not push buttons, but in doing so, I hope you understand the point of this blog as a conversation.

So...until another day...maybe even tomorrow!

Being the musician at heart, I am always searching for that song that speaks to my heart. Last week it was "God is God," by Steven Curtis Chapman and how it convicted my heart to do more for God and for my life. This week is a little different, at least in the genre of music. I love Christian music, as it speaks closest to my heart, but secular music is always catching my ear and really stirring up some stuff.

"Someone to Fall Back On" by Jason Robert Brown is such a song. You may recognize the song's tune from the trailer of the movie "Bandslam." And while at first I bought the version from that movie, I am even more entranced by the original version of the song. To me, it speaks to my human heart and my spiritual heart. Here are the lyrics just so you can understand what I will discuss:

Someone To Fall Back On

I’ll never be
A knight in armor
With a sword in hand,
Or a kamikaze fighter;
Don’t count on me
To storm the barricades
And take a stand,
Or hold my ground;
You’ll never see
Any scars or wounds -
I don’t walk on coals,
I won’t walk on water:

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone’s wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

Some comedy -
You’re bruised and beaten down
And I’m the one
Who’s looking for a favor.
Still, honestly,
You don’t believe me
But the things I have
Are the things you need.
You look at me
Like I don’t make sense,
Like a waste of time,
Like it serves no purpose -

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
And if that’s what you believe you need,
You’re wrong - you don’t need much,
You need someone to fall back on...

And I’ll be that:
I’ll take your side.
If I’m the only one,
I’m used to that.
I’ve been alone,
I’d rather be
The half of us,
The least of you,
The best of me.

And I will be
Your prince,
I’ll be your saint,
I will go crashing through fences
In your name. I will, I swear -
I’ll be someone to fall back on!

I’ll be the one who waits,
And for as long as you’ll let me,
I will be the one you need.
I’ll be someone to fall back on:
Your prince,
Your saint,
The one you believe you need
I’ll be - I’ll be
Someone to fall back on.

Pretty interesting lyrics, huh? I love the chorus as it speaks to our imperfections as humans, as lovers, and as Christians.

How am I connecting this song with my spiritual heart?

Well, the fact that the first verse is about not being able to truly fight, sacrificing life is pretty much a direct parallel of my heart for God right now. I love God, and I wish I could fight for Him the way I should, but as my friend "MP" puts it, "Something holds us back. There is this mental block from letting Christ truly take over, and its selfish, but also important." I call it trust issues. So much distrust towards God is inside of my heart that I refuse to truly give Him all of me. I refuse to let my heart fight for God, rather than myself. But the chorus changes. It turns my shame of not letting God have my heart into a charge, a promise to God that I will be here for Him. So, in a sense, my heart is His, but I just don't see it.

The second verse is a little different. I see it as God saying to me that He will be there. He is no prince, and He is no saint, but rather my rock, my stability. I do see Him as a waste of time. He doesn't make sense to my heart, and I still have yet to find a purpose through Him. But He puts it clearly that He is here, providing what I truly need. I don't need a "prince" or a "saint," but a Savior. The last verse and chorus are a promise from me, that while I am not perfect, I am here for God. I am letting Him know that, as long as He needs me I will be here. But it also can be taken as God reassuring my heart, once again, that He is there for me. Whatever way you take it, I hope you see my connection.

But in truth, this post is more about my human heart, my relational heart towards my friends, my future love, and myself.

It is a call to them that I am not perfect, but I am here. I have my struggles, my bruises, my weaknesses, but I still am there for them, regardless of them ignoring me or needing me. I don't make sense at some times to them, because I am different from them.

More importantly this is a promise to my heart that I will be there for myself. When I fall, I will not back down from my shame. When I let myself down, I am still here, trying to find myself. It sounds pretty depressing, and for good measure. I treat myself like crap. I am constantly finding something wrong with myself. And while this seems negative, it is supposed to represent a change in my heart and my view of myself. I am going to try harder to get healthier, physically and mentally.

So take this as you may. I am not in any trouble. I am not in a dark place, but in a clearing in the woods. I see the light. I see the hope. I see myself.

This may seem quite sappy, but we all have our innermost feelings. This is just an outlet for mine to be released.

Listen to the song...I hope you enjoy.

Until next time...

God is God, and I am Man...

Have you ever felt like you were supposed to be bigger than you are? Not in terms of size, but in terms of significance, or purpose? I usually get this way when listening to one of two songs. The first, and no jokes please, is "Reach," by Gloria Estefan. Written in 1996 for the Atlanta Olympics, I remember seeing it performed by Estefan at the closing ceremonies, and I was in awe. During that time I really dreamed about going to the Olympic Games for gymnastics, of which I took part in and followed to a "t." That all changed when I quit the sport at 12 years of age, which I kind of regret to this day because I was good at it...but also because it represented another dream differed.

The second, of which has occurred recently, is "God is God," by Steven Curtis Chapman. I haven't really been an afficionado of Christian music, primarily because of the "cheesiness" of some of the songs and artists, but this song, from one of the pre-eminent Contemporary Christian artists of our time really caught me off guard. So far I have listened to the song over 30 times since I purchased it on Saturday. The song, ladened with amazing beats and vocals, is more riveting in its driving music and lyrics. I have never felt more convicted, yet disappointed when I listen to the song. To me, I feel so charged to get out there and be something that I just wish I could leave my bedroom right now and live on my own. I feel like when I listen to this song I could do something great with my life. I feel like I should be singing this song...no, not that I should be Steven Curtis Chapman, but that I should be singing this song about following God and charging the peoples to listen to Him. I feel like this is the song of my life...and song that combines music, lyrics, God, and dramatics to create something that, if it has changed my heart, it could change the hearts of many.

But then reality sets in, and I realize I have gotten my head trapped in the clouds. Is it shame? Is it jealousy? Is it a desire to be individually significant?

It's a combination of all three...and more. I hate that I am 21 years of age, and yet I still have nothing, in my mind, significant to show for my life. I haven't accomplished anything I feel is worthy of, well to sound selfish, fame and influence. I have a lot to offer. And I have been told I have a lot of talent in many fields (I need to say it like that because a lot of the time I feel I am not so talented, but that's another post!). Here I am, sitting in my room, and all I can do is listen to this song 1000 times, until I am so bored with it that I put it down. But I am not bored with the song. The more I listen to it, the more I am entranced by the passion, charge, emotion, and faith behind the song.

But what is God trying to say to me through this song?

I think God is telling me that it is time to get up and do something with my life. In my heart I feel Him telling me to follow my dreams, not for me, but for Him. Now before you go and refute that statement, let me explain. I feel like God is saying for me to follow my dreams because He will be glorified through it. He has prepared me with talent, heart, honesty, and faith to go out and not be afraid of the world. I have a story to tell through my life and my dreams. God is out there, as well as in my heart.

But how do I get over the "shame-shock" that hits when I hear this song, "Reach," or see others doing great things with their lives? How do I get over my life, and begin to live it? How do I get over myself, and get on board with God?

I may be small, but God is so big...and if He loves me, then that makes me pretty important to Him...and since He loves all of us, then we are pretty significant to Him.

He has great things planned for me...I am gonna be used in ways I can't even imagine. Who knows, maybe one day I will have a song that does the same to another person in the world. Who knows, but God?

p.s.-- I encourage you to listen to both songs!!

Prayer at 1:03 am

Dear God,

So I am sitting here, at 1:03am and I have no clue what I am praying to You about. For some reason sleep escapes me, preventing me the rest from the busyness of my mind. I am none to happy with You, God. For one thing, I am up at 1:03am. But more importantly I am not happy with You because I feel lost. So many questions are running through my mind, that everything feels and seems like a confusing blur called life.

I have done so much to not be proud of, and that is all I can think about. My friendships have deteriorated to the point where I really question who is my friend, and who isn't. My future is up in the air because I can't really commit to any dream that I plan. And what's worse is that You and Me just don't seem to be on good terms. The only thing I know how to do is to pray to You, lay it all out there, and hope that You see me and grant me at least rest.

God, my friends probably hate me. I have been a real jerk to each and every one of them this past year. I have expected them to be there for me, while I was not there for them. I invaded their lives to the point of becoming dependent upon them to carry me, even when I was able to walk. I am afraid of losing them God. And I am afraid of making them You. I go to them more than I come to You, a problem which has hit me hard recently. Jealousy has taken over my heart, creating hatred and disgust towards them, and sneering behind their backs in order to lift my own personal spirit. They can't trust me because I don't allow them to. I break them down at the first sign of responsibility. Most of my friendships aren't healthy because I refuse to be honest, and put my hope and trust in You to provide the community I need to follow You. God, help to be a better person towards them, so that I may be a better person towards my enemies and those who I have yet to meet.

God, my future is so up in the air. I want to follow You, but I feel like I have to be a pastor to do so, which is not what I want to do. I want to sing God. I want to help people God. I want to do great things God. But I am afraid of taking that next step because what if it isn't what You have planned for me? I don't want to upset You. All I know is that I want to do something that makes me happy, but also something that You have planned for me. Speak to me in ways that will lead me into the future You have promised for me.

God, You and I are not on good terms. I am so angry at You because I feel forgotten and un-loved. I pray to for answers, only to gain more questions. I try to seek You, only to become more lost in the process. God, it is not You who should change, but me. Open my eyes to see Your glory. I am afraid of You. This world has told me who You are, but I don't know You are in my heart. I love You so much. Your grace has saved me, allowing me to stand beside You, ready to spread the same love shown to me. God, I do not doubt my salvation, but I am afraid that my mind is winning the battle between my heart. Protect me from the perils of this world. Be my shield and sword. Only You are truth, and not any person, country, political sphere, etc..

Every day I am looking at You and Your glory in a new vantage point. Continue to mold me in to the man You want me to be. God, provide me rest. Rest for a heart that is weary. Rest for a mind that is tired. Rest for a man who is lost.

I love You Lord.

Amen

The Green-eyed Monster

Naturally as a person with real green eyes, I guess it comes as no surprise that I tend to get jealous quite often. Recently, as in the past two years, I have noticed my jealousy arising on a weekly, if not sometimes, daily basis. Now, it would moot to ask if any one has ever been jealous before, but when you ask yourself that question, it brings to the forefront all of the insecurities and faults of your life.

This past week has really seen a resurgence in my "green-eyed" monster. I am jealous more of my friends, than anyone else, and that really takes a toll on my personal life, as in my introverted self. My friends are amazing people, who have overcome amazing obstacles, and have become great friends and followers of Christ. But I just feel like I pale in comparison to them. One friend has such an international heart, yearning to reach out to the world outside of the U.S.. Another friend is so passionate about youth that he has created a ministry that is going to reach middle and high-schoolers, and it has gained the backing of most of the people I know. Another is really passionate about prayer and literally is the go-to person when I need prayer. And when I look at myself, I see someone who has yet to find his niche. I want to be just like my friends. I want to do the same great things they are doing, and it stings when I somewhat fail or flounder in my attempts.

So what is God trying to tell me? Well, in my heart, I feel Him telling me to quit looking to others for a calling and a hope, and to look the One who actually promised hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I feel Him saying, "Sam, stop. Breathe. You are ok. Nothing is wrong with you. You are different my son. You have other hearts to touch. Patience." Why is it that patience is the answer? Well, God wants us to see the beauty in His love. If we go at it in a blur, thinking we know what we are doing, we lose sight of the being truly behind our actions. It becomes no longer God's plan, but our goal.

It's a tough line to walk. But the amazing thing is that God loves us, even when we are the most jealous people on the planet. God knows our hearts. He knows that we yearn for significance and for purpose. He also knows we need to be loved, and loving ourselves, in my opinion, second only to loving God.

I am a natural green-eyed monster, but praise God in His forgiveness and His blessings. I am not like you or anyone else. My path is going to be different, but it also will be beautiful. God will do great things, with or without me, but praise Him for allowing me to do it for Him!

Can You Hear Me Now? Good...

Have you ever just wanted God to come right down from heaven and speak to you in the same way He spoke to Moses, and other great people in the Bible? Have you ever wondered why you can't hear God? Have you ever tried to hear a whisper so much that your head actually hurt?

Hearing God is a problem for me. My world is constantly filled with "noise." This isn't found just in audible sounds, but also just busyness, and an attitude that seemingly shuts God out, when ironically I am trying to personally get closer to Him. Another part of my problem is the fact that as an intelligent being, I am constantly supplanting God with logic. I used to pray right before I went to bed, but not on my knees, but as I was laying in bed. And while I did that, and I still do, I would tell myself that I was praying to the ceiling, or that because God wasn't speaking to me in my way, that He didn't exist. It had been like that since I gave my life to God. I expected to be treated much like Moses was with the burning bush.

It's hard to have faith. But if it were easy, then that would make God less of God and more of the world. It would diminish His vastness and His great power, that is impossible for us to comprehend let alone accomplish on our own. So why do we base our faith off of "hearing" God? What is it about the word "calling" that seemingly makes us believe that being called by God to something, or even being just in the presence of Him means we have to hear with our ears? In my opinion, much to my disliking, I feel like God really isn't going to come right out and say things. He knows what's going on, and while we don't, and wish we did, He is ultimately in control. Remember, in 1 Kings 19, Elijah expects God to come in the wind, an earthquake or a fire, but rather comes to Him in a whisper.

I think we'll know when God is truly speaking to our hearts. It's called conviction. Mandisa loves to put it this way in her song "God Speaking":

"Have you ever heard a love song that set your spirit free?
Have you ever watched a sunrise and felt you could not breathe?
What if it's Him? What if it's God speaking?
Have you ever cried a tear that you could not explain?
Have you ever met a stranger who already knew your name?
What if it's Him? What if it's God speaking?

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough?
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to...
to tell us 'I love you.'

Have you ever lost a loved one who you thought should still be here?
Do you know what it feels like to be tangled up in fear?
What if He's somehow involved?
What if He's speaking through it all?

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough?
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to...
to tell us 'I love you.'

His ways are higher...
His ways are better...
Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger than God in a manger?

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough?
Who knows how He'll get a hold of you?
Get your attention to prove He is enough?
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to...
to tell us 'I love you.'

There is a way that God reaches each and every one of us. And each time it is unique to each and every one of us. I had to understand this before I could go any further in my walk. Last semester I was very angry at God because He had blessed a friend with a great ministry idea and opportunity. Suddenly I could sense God working in his life, and I felt left out. I felt forgotten by God and by my friend. Here was a guy who had given his life to Christ, and God was blessing him with an opportunity that was perfectly tailored to him. It was amazing to see, and I was one jealous soul. But it took some time for me to realize that I wasn't going to be in the same boat as my friend was. I was different. There is something out there for me, but I was so focused on getting the same blessing that my friend received, that I failed to see what a blessing God had given me through grace and life. And it has taken me even longer to realize, and overcome my shame at my attitude toward my friend. I still to this day don't feel right with him, and it kills me. But God is taking my shame and He is turning it into a great blessing.

Hearing God is not a direct measure of faith. Hoping to hear God, and not hearing Him should not destroy your faith, but empower it because it allows you to truly get to the root of your life, and that is where God truly is. God, as shown in the above lyrics, will do whatever He wants to to tell us He loves us, and He is going to use us, and He is going to save us. And in today's technological society, there are even greater opportunities to find God's voice.

But I think the best way, and a way I have been learning to practice more, is to just be silent. It's when you stop talking that your ears begin listening to God's voice. We are surrounded by noise, and while it is a beautiful thing, and we find God in songs, movies, commercials, etc. God is found greater within our hearts.

"Who knows how He'll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough?
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to
To tell us, 'I love you'

"God is speaking, 'I love You.'"

Have you ever politely, not cared? I don' think it's apathy, but it's pretty darn close. Apathy seems to have a negative connotation that represents sloth and heartlessness. This feeling is certainly not said feelings. It may be more closely related to empathy, but who cares...haha.

The past few weeks, maybe even months, I have been on this search for an identity. The past three years have been filled with sleepless nights devoted to worrying about my life and what to do with it. Not negatively, mind you, but I am in college, and I feel like I need to asking myself the hard questions. Where do I see myself in a year? In ten years? What am I going to do after this last year of college? Where and how am I going to live? But more importantly, who am I, and what have I discovered about myself while here at college?

God and I were never really close, no matter how much I played the part. And while I was devoted to Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and my home church, I couldn't help but feel bound and constrained. I love the people in both places, and I have learned so much from being a part of their respective, figurative lives. But I also feel like I am enhancing this bubble that I have lived in for 21 years. The church is all I have known. I don't know the world that's out there for me. And while I wasn't the most sheltered child, I still feel like I also wasn't the most exposed. Which is tough considering as a Christian I should be out in this world, living for Christ and such...but I don't know this world, and now I feel like I can't leave the bubble I am hiding in to get out there.

I'm not saying let me loose and see what I do. I am not saying that I want to go off the deep end and end up living with out God. I feel a lot of Christians don't like to think of living without thinking of living for Christ. And I guess that is where I am different. I guess that is where the friction comes in place. It's not about a social life. It's not about success. But what am I going to show about my life at the pearly gates of Heaven if all I have done is made friends within the Christian community? I've belabored my weeks with countless Christian functions including church, bible study, and the occasional retreat to the point of where I literally have realized that I have been acting as a Christian in name only. I did all of this to remain busy, and to remain attached to the friends I thought I would lose. But if they are my friends, than they will care for me even when I am not there...right? Yes.

But wait there's more...this is getting good!

Looking back at my life is something I am good at. I am always critcizing myself about the "what-ifs" and "coulda-woulda-shoulda." But surprisingly I feel like God has finally commanded me to live. The only problem is I am so used to looking back and worrying about looking forward. Which brings me to my definition of what "living" is. Living is living without a care. Living with the ability to go out into the world and experience it, producing an open mind that isn't neccessarily accepting of non-Christian values and society, but at least respectful of it. Why live like I am afraid of this world? I am not afraid of the world because I am not of this world...and as a follower of Christ, fear is not something He produces!

I also have matured. At least I think I have. I feel like I am different from most Christians, and almost all non-Christians, which puts me in an amazing, yet difficult position. I am not one to listen almost exclusively to Christian music, nor do I exclusively listen to secular music. I do read the occasional Christian book, but T.S. Eliot gets me every time. And I am living under the belief that to do something for God and to live for Him, does not involve me being a pastor or starting a ministry (If that is you...more power to you!). Personally I think God wouldn't give a flying flip if you exclusively listened to Christian music, spoke no cuss-words, and only read scripture. To me, I think He would be quite upset, because that puts in a place where we act like we are above this world. Trust me, I drink, I have a habit of cussing on the road (road rage!), and I listen to a majority of secular music, and yet I still feel as if I have been living like I looked down on the rest of the world.

God and I are getting better. In fact I don't think I have ever been this sure of my faith in Him than now. He has molded me into really asking the tough life questions.

And to be honest...right now, I don't really care what you think of me. God thinks highly of me because I am His child. And I think He sees potential in everyone and He loves the regardless.

Sorry...this might not be the most coherent of topics, but it is a conglomeration of thoughts that have been in my mind for the past week!