It's all about the bracelet...

Wow...it has been a long time. Apologies...this time of year always seems to be so much busier than other times. Not only that, but it seems to fly by like it never happened!

My favorite book is "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. In fact, anything he writes, I basically own and have read. He's a great author. But some people have gotten mad at me for making it my "go-to" favorite book.

"Why isn't the Bible your favorite book?"

Hmm...sounds pretty intense, right?

I don't get it. Why do Christians focus so much on the menial things? In fact, the history behind making the Bible someone's favorite book lies within the social websites like Facebook and Myspace. The only reasons why someone would put the Bible as their favorite book are: They want the whole world to know they are a Christian, or it was cool for them to do so. And that pisses me off. Don't diminish my faith just because I don't fit into your definition of what a Christian should be like.

I get really pumped up when I address this issue...

Christians today are so focused on fixing the problem. Yet we look past the problem. Some of us live as if Christianity is a trend, a fad that requires us to wear the WWJD bracelets, a Christian t-shirt, listen to Christian music exclusively, and avoid the "bad of the world," like movies above PG or Halloween because it is the "Devil's Day." Some of us live as if we have to rid the world of the bad. Well-intentioned, but they are missing the target that is right in front of them.

Think about it. Christians focus so much of their lives expending energy on "causes" that are against Christianity. We "hate" abortion and all who believe in it, yet we look past the fact that someone just made the hardest decision of their lives, and they need someone to love on them. We ostracize the homosexuals because they are "contagious," "carriers of AIDS," "Lepers of today," yet we refuse to look at them as children of God who need to be loved. We allow ourselves to get caught up in controlling what's on t.v. for our children, all while we refuse to open our eyes to the fact that 3/4 of the world really can't afford clothes and food, let alone a t.v..

At some point, I begin to laugh...and then I start to cry.

It's sad really. We wear these WWJD bracelets to let the world know that we believe in God, but really truly, "What would Jesus do?" Would He wear a bracelet, and say that's enough? Would protest the Democratic presidential nominee because his name sounds Middle-Eastern? Would He even be involved in politics, something that seems so man-made? Would He use all of His energy to fight the non-believers?

Or would He use it to love them....

We are just like the pharisees. We have gotten so caught up in restoring the law, fulfilling the law, and making sure the "infidels" are defeated, that we forget that Christ already fulfilled the law. We also forget the most important commandment of them all. "Love your neighbor."

It all seems so passive-aggressive. And while I am a passive-aggressive, I struggle with the need to be more assertive in my faith. It's true, you can't just say, "Oh, I love the world, therefore, I having nothing else to do." It's not about you. Once you accepted Christ, you put yourself last. And I struggle with that. It's hard not to focus on our lives, and what's affecting them. It's hard to focus on the world, and why it is so broken, when our own brokenness seems to blind our eyes. I am so lazy in my faith. I am so intent on letting other Christians know what they are doing wrong (perfect example is this post), that I forget that there is a world that God created, and a people that God loved, who are hurting.

I wish could just up and leave. I wish I could just forget who's in office, what's on t.v., what music I'm listening to, and what book is my favorite. I wish that didn't matter. And it doesn't...to God. But for some reason, we have lost sight of the importance of our faith, and the love behind it. For some reason, we have turned away...

"For God so loved the WORLD, that He gave His only be-gotten son. That WHOSOEVER believes in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life."

Wow...it has been quite some time since my last post. Sorry about that...so much is going on in my life that I barely have enough time to get a good night's sleep. Ahh the life of a college senior!

But aside from academia and social activities, I have really hit a point in my walk with Christ that seems to be critical to my future. I am having to ask myself, and eventually answer, some very hard questions. My faith is being tested...well, it's being questioned. But the culprit is not this world, nor my friends, family, or even God. It's me...

I am gonna sound like a broken record. But in a sense, aren't we all broken records? Aren't we all yearning for the same things over and over? When does it hit us that we have been satisfied? Hmm...for another time!

Some people ask me why I post such deep thoughts publicly, fearing that my dirty laundry will be sprawled out and I would be under the microscope. Well, I want to. I want to end rumors and reveal truth about my life, and about what a real Christian looks like. Not saying that my friends and family aren't real Christians. I know they are...hence why God placed them in my life. But a lot of the time we tend to hide behind a veil of secrecy, or of ambiguity, or timidity. It was hard for me, as a young Christian, to understand that when I gave my life to Christ, I was actually making a "life" commitment. Change wasn't going to happen instantly. I wasn't going to be molded into the man God wants me to be in a day. And trust me, I have struggled with this for a long time.

To be quite honest with you, I look at myself as being a "bad" Christian. I don't allow time with God as much as I should, and don't place me first in your references for Bible knowledge. I really could care less about that. But that doesn't mean I don't yearn for Christ. It seems like everyday I want to pray, and rarely pray to God about Him being revealed to me. I want God. I want to feel Him and hear Him and love Him. But that's all very conditional. Its all very temporal. It's all about me...not Him. Which adds to why last week was a point in my life where God was basically hitting me over the head with a rock about my relationship with Him.

I will start with last Sunday. I woke up following an awesome Halloween...yes I celebrate it, get over it. I wasn't pumped that it was Sunday. Usually that incurs a decision that must be made. Do I go to church, or do I not? I usually go to church because others are going, and since I didn't know of anyone going to church that day, I had all but made up my mind not to go to church. But I did. I ended up getting ready and driving 15 minutes to the church I had been going to for about a month, and I went to church. I wasn't expecting much. In fact I was expecting to be alone amongst the congregation. To me church was a social event, not a Christ intervention.
So I sat amongst the congregation, not expecting much, but receiving a lot.

Isn't it weird how God moves when we expect nothing? Isn't weird how God uses others to really get the point across about our individual relationship with Him?

As the pastor rose to speak, he mentioned that he was about to step out of the norm for him. Reciting how he felt naked and vulnerable, my ears perked up. And it happened. God spoke. Through the pastor I could sense the urgency, the plea, the desire, and the love behind the message that God was telling me. As the pastor spoke of how he kept following God, and using his gifts to glorify God, he mentioned that he still felt detached from Him. He still felt lost. He still felt alone. It was such a parallel to my life, that I was just silent the entire time. My eyes were glued to my pastor, waiting for the next word. How could this be? How could my pastor be going through the same thing I was going through? How could someone who I perceived as far more mature in his spiritual walk be going through something similar to my life? Was this God? Was He really speaking to me through this man? Yes.

"Isn't it weird, awe-inspiring that God can use the gifts bestowed upon someone, yet in the same breath can destroy that gift at any point in time? Isn't it powerful to realize the control God has? Isn't it frightening to realize our temporary lives? But isn't it beautiful that God loves us still? Isn't it beautiful that He has control, and not us? He hasn't let go. He hasn't dropped you for the latest trend, the latest search for perfection."

"Here I was using my God-given gift, following the call of God to spread the good news, yet the same message I would preach on Sundays, I would hide from in my own life? I was detached from Christ. I was alone. Why? How?"

The above quotes are summaries of the message given by my pastor. And all I could do on my return to campus was reflect. I didn't know what to do. And so I forgot it...

Then Thursday happened. Thursday I traveled to Winston-Salem to celebrate a large group with Salem College's Intervarsity Chapter. It was awesome...until the message. Again I was challenged by God to look at my life. To look at why I was afraid to let Him have it all. As the message continued, it spoke of our fear, pride, and pausing from accepting the call of God. And the room got very hot. I was sweating. And again I sat silently, in anticipation for the next word. But again, I didn't act. Again I sat cold as stone. Again I returned in silence and reflection, and not proactivity.

So that is where I am at right now. I am detached from Christ. But even though I feel like He has given up, He hasn't. And I just want to have this breakdown. I just want to let go of all responsibility. Forget the world for just one minute. Forget the constant judgement. I just want to let go...

Hopefully God will catch me...

I love God...I do. But what's it going to take for me to LOVE God? When is this mental block going to give way? Why am I stuck...

I keep feeling like I am being told to go. I keep feeling like God is really, intently, and urgently crying out to me to let go of this world...

to let go of friends...

to let go of future...

to let go of past

to let go of me...

Hmm...until next time!

Give Me the Remote...

One of the foremost tenets of Christianity appears in the form of sacrifice. Not just tangible sacrifice, like money, but a personal sacrifice...like control.

It's something I don't like to discuss, mainly because I am still struggling with giving up control to God. But is it really something I gave up...or something I never had?

When I gave my life to Christ some 11 years ago (wow...long time!), I never understood what it truly meant to deny myself and take up the cross. It's no one's fault...not my parents, my pastor (actually, that falls under parents.), my youth minister, etc. I think God has planned a moment in everyone's lives where they begin to realize that they underestimated the meaning of letting God have it all. Usually that incurs a somewhat tricky period in one's life where they can travel down one of two roads, acceptance, or denial. It probably shouldn't be that simple, but it is in my mind.

Most of us hit denial. Let's face it, we hate letting God, or anyone here on Earth, have control over our lives. A look back through history, and one will find numerous references to people taking back control of their lives.

I guess in a way, I had to figure out what "letting God have it all" actually looked like. I have always been concerned with the how and why. I could easily understand the what, when, and where, but the how and why was so much deeper. Why should I allow God to have full control over my life? How do I allow God to have full control over my life? It has been one constant battle of understanding what control really meant...until I realized that I never really had control.

You see...God works in a strange way...at least strange to us...to Him, it is normal. He doesn't work on our time. He doesn't fit to a schedule, a year, a day...He is much larger than anything man-made or defined. And I had a hard time with that.

The past few weeks have really been a magnification of that distress. It is depressing, but at least it's honest. I have always wondered why others were seemingly on a completely different page than I was, why they seemed so much farther ahead than me in their lives. I wondered why some people were given, what seemed to be, a distinct gift, be it music, missions, compassion, writing, leading, preaching, teaching...etc, and I had yet to truly understand my "gift." Why was it that I was not moving forward? I had become stagnant, or worse, I had regressed in my faith. It got to the point where I seriously questioned my faith. I began to doubt. Myself, my friends, God...And it seemed like I continued to spiral out of control, out of anger, out of sadness. The world that God created beautiful, seemed to me like a cold, hateful, judging world that had its target set on Sam, and I was taking a beating like none other.

I viewed myself as alone...even to the point of seeing my life as permanently set on being alone. And I blamed God. God had planned a life, that at that time was not matching up to the life I assumed I would be living. I had assumed freedom, success, happiness, love, and influence. I thought that college would be the place. The place where Sam would rise up and become something great. Instead, I was diminishing into a size that was almost invisible. Why God? Why are you making me smaller? Why are you making me into something I don't want to be? I thought you were supposed to bring happiness, and hope? Why do I feel hopeless?

Yes...I felt hopeless.

It is quite the scary feeling. One that I hid well, for the most part. One that remained within the four walls of my room, or so I thought. Instead this feeling transcended into my public life. Worship was seen as a pain in the ass. Why worship a God who I am in a battle with? Attending church was based solely on who was going that day, not on the fact that it was an opportunity to grow and rest and praise God. Being Sam, no longer felt like my own. Being Sam, was no fun...at least not this person called Sam. I began to hate. I began to loathe. I hated my friends. I hated my family. I hated my classes. I hated my life. I took every ounce of anger out on the people who cared about me the most. My best friends became my biggest enemies. They were people who couldn't be trusted, and yet I needed them, no, I craved them because somehow when I was around them I felt better about myself. That is, until they began to grow, and prosper. That is until they began to progress in faith and hope...something I assumed I lacked. I remember sitting in my room one night, and just saying to God, "I can't wait to leave this place. To leave these people. They never cared about me. I just took up air." It got to the point where I began to curse their presence. I challenged their love. I challenged God's love. It God truly cared, this wouldn't be happening. If God truly cared, He would have come down already, smacked me in the face with a purpose, and I would begin living...I would begin following.

Yes, my belief in God was contingent on Him coming down on my time, doing something I wanted, and listening to me, and not vice-versa. It was a very conditional love. One that I probably would not describe as love. I would sit and pray, awaiting that moment, my burning bush, where I would realize that God loved me, and I would subsequently love God. Recently I prayed for over an hour, and afterwards I felt this release...until I tried to emulate it over and over and over again. I felt that if I kept doing the things that made me happy, that made me feel like positive change was occurring, then God and I would be ok. Wrong...

God wanted me. He didn't need me...He wanted me. Here God was, with this plan to love the people He created, to take them back from the grips of the earth and Satan, a plan that didn't need to include me, but it did. Why...because He wanted me. It's a very hard thing to understand...in fact, I am going to stop understanding, and start going....

Yes that was, and is my problem. I expected God to answer my questions. I expected answers to life. I expected a cheat sheet. I expected... You see, it took many times for me to understand the fact that God was in control. It took me many more times to realize that I wasn't in control. And it is taking me even more times to live like God is in control. It wasn't that I didn't have faith...it was that I wasn't prioritzing my faith properly. God was supposed to be number one. Not me, not my parents, not my friends, not my school, and not my purpose. God. And here He was, trying so hard to get me to realize that I was ignoring the one being who wanted me, who always wants me, who always loved me...even when He didn't have to love me. I was ignoring God. God wasn't trying to express the fact of His control. He was expressing that He loved me so much that He had included me in His grand plan. He was expressing that He loved me.

I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I was looking for control in a life that was never mine to control. And God wasn't trying to be a dictator. He was trying to be a father. He was the Father. And I was, and am His child. My love for God wasn't going to be displayed through my successes.

It was going to be displayed in my faith..in my love.

I still struggle with control issues. I still live a roller-coaster-like life, but remember, after a dip, there is a rise, and one day that ride will end on a high note.

Don't you hear God saying, "Give me the remote, I had it first!"

The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."

Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

-- John 21: 17-19


Have you ever felt like Peter? Confused, frustrated, and upset at the fact that God continues to ask if we love Him? Have you ever felt like yelling to God out of frustration, "I love You!"

Peter is an interesting character in the Bible, and in Christianity. According to some Bible historians and interpreters, Peter, the so-called, "favorite disciple," was supposed to be the one to lead the disciples after the resurrection of Jesus. Now, that is of course up to debate, but Peter is a pretty significant disciple who would follow the Great Commission by God.

In a way, and in my opinion, we as Christians are all like Peter. Sometimes we lack the faith to walk on water when God calls us to (Matthew 14:22-36). We are also asked personally by God to confess our faith in Him, and called to build the church of God (Matthew 16:13-20). But a lot of time, we deny the true identity of Christ when it really matters (Matthew 26:69-75). As much as we like to say otherwise, a lot of the time we refuse to allow God total control and dominion in our lives. We would much rather save ourselves, then allow God's love to not only save us, but the world. Which is why this passage is so important...

In John 21, we see the love and grace of God upon Peter, which is a great parallel to the love and grace of God upon us. Jesus forgives Peter by asking him if he loved Christ. And why simplistic in nature, the question is very much complex and intense. God isn't expecting us to say we love Him, but to live like we love Him. When Jesus says, "Feed my sheep," he isn't expecting us to say yes, but do yes. This means that even when it seems we lack the faith it takes to stand on water or to praise the name of Christ, God still takes what faith we have and calls us to love the world.

The transformation we encounter when we allow our hearts to follow God, not just in word, but action, is greater displayed in verse 18. We were used to controlling our lives, but the One who created us has always been in control. We are going to go where we do not want to go. We are going to be called to be risky, dangerous Christians who escape the four walls of our churches and actually build the body of Christ by loving the world that has long rejected us.

This may seem repetitive, and if there are mistakes, you can call me out on it. I don't make attempts to be the most knowledgeable Christian. But I find this passage so great in influence on my life as Christian, that I though sharing it would be a great way to blog.

Notice how Peter does not sit on his shame of denying Christ. In fact, I would assume that after the denial, Peter picked himself up and continued to try to follow Christ, hence the fact that Christ allows for a "reinstatement" to occur. Shame did not control Peter, but love moved Peter. He allowed himself to be broken, torn down by God so that God could rebuild his heart. In doing so, God called Peter to leave the ways of the world, take up the cross, and follow Christ to the ends of the Earth...the ends of the Earth. Not just Jerusalem, Samaria, or Judea, but the entire world.

Are you gonna allow God to control you?

Plea for Patience

Do you love being the center of attention? Do you love the fact that sometimes it seems like everything goes through you? I personally love it. I love being in control, being in the zone. Which is why the past year God has seemingly ripped (emphasis on ripped) the control right out of my hands. I don't like talking about because I feel like some people have heard enough of this, and to others, well you just don't know. I get tired of it too people...but I find that God has to be behind something that has been going on, unrelentingly, for the past year.

Last year was not that much fun for me. I wasn't the best person on the planet, and my friends obviously were my targets. I treated them like dirt. One of them, started an awesome ministry that reached out to middle and high schoolers. "Wow that's so amazing, so what is the problem?" you ask. Well, I was hurt because somehow I wasn't involved. It seems really shallow, vain, and conceited, I know...trust me...but in being honest I was pissed off because I wasn't thought of in the process. In fact it was hidden from me. Now, before you go on painting this image of an enemy, it's not them, it was me. Every time I heard about the ministry, and saw the amount of people who were charged up over it, I fumed in anger. It was as if God was saying to me, through this person, that I wasn't good enough, and that I would never be. That's not the way to go about these feelings, but more on that later. I haven't really gotten over it as you can tell, but it gets better.

Well recently I have been feeling like more and more people are going behind my back and doing stuff that is amazing. Like today. Today was the start of, yet another, evangelism mission that was the "brainchild" of three friends. When they discussed how they got together and prayed about it, it hit me, "Why wasn't I involved? Why is it these people, and not me? What did I do? What does this mean?" I was angry the whole time, really truly, which sucks because it is totally not something I should be angry over.

I feel more and more left out, as if my spiritual gifts are not worthy enough to be considered. And to be quite honest, I could care less about my spiritual gifts, so it should be more like, I am not worthy to be considered. What's worse is the position this places me. I love these friends. I love these people. But if I were to be honest with them, I would look selfish. And if I were to vocalize these feelings, I would be lambasted. So what better way to deal with these recurring feelings than to internalize them? WRONG!!!

See I used to think that I never gave myself credit for anything. My spiritual gifts weren't really gifts that were unique to me, because soon after their discovery, someone else, who in my opinion was better than me, would supplant me and I would be subject to being forgotten. Well, as it turns out, I actually give myself way too much credit...to the point of being conceited. I am selfish. And as odd as it sounds, a diva. If I am not involved with it, then it doesn't matter. So what to do?

Well, this year I am trying to take every thought captive. It's an odd action to do because I really am taking my thoughts of hate and lack of self worth, and turning them around into praises towards God. And as odd as it is, I need to keep doing them. I need to realize my self worth in God, not my talents. A good friend put it this way: "You are not the same as the person next to you. You are looking for a purpose in all the wrong places. If you try to be like the person next to you, then you leave behind the person God wants for you to be. You keep taking on so much in order to please yourself, God, and others, that you are ending up more angry, more depressed, and more vain than you started."

So I need to be patient with God. There is a purpose out there for me. Again, as another friend put it, "We are perfectly positioned by God to make an impact with others." So there is something out there for me. Instead of over-analyzing and second guessing myself, I need to be patient and wait. Great...I hate that...

That means that I need to place God as the controller, and not me. In fact He has already been in control.

What's next...forgiveness. I can be of no good when I try to love on others while I have a hard heart towards others. It defeats the purpose of unconditional love...and even though it seems like humans cannot love unconditionally, God does, and Jesus does...and as Christians, we are called to be like Jesus. I used to say that I would never forgive the people who wronged me. Well that meant I never forgave myself. Look where that got me.

It's time for a change. It's time for someone else to take the wheel. Here I am Lord...waiting...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-- Marianne Wilkinson


How many times has fear controlled a decision in your life?

If you're like me, thinking about this question reveals a lot about our lives. In fact, for me, it seems as if every decision has been made out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of truth, etc., the list can go on and on and on. But here's one thing I always forget...it's not just me.

Fear is a human flaw. It is created and perpetuated by our "independence." The belief that if we get hurt, to never go in that direction, thus creating our "protective bubble," eliminates almost every thing in life that is possible. It eliminates living.

For me, it's not the fact that I fear the future, but the fact that I can be, as Wilkinson puts it, "brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous." Why not? If I want to be famous, then why can't I? If I want to be a doctor, then why can't I? If I want to be an author, why can't I? It's an interesting scenario to be placed in. To understand and believe that we can do all things, through Christ who strengthens us, scares us, because, well, how much strength do we truly possess?

Besides, who is justified to "judge" others? Think about it...can we really judge others' lives if we ourselves haven't truly lived, or we don't possess infinite knowledge? You're right...we can't judge others. Now be aware of the difference between legal justice in the form of juries and judges, and the life judgment that we encounter every day. Who is supposed to tell us what we can and cannot do? Only one...God. Not our parents, not our friends, not our lovers, not our teachers...no one but God...the others can help influence our decision...but only God can call us to our "purpose" in life.

And you know what...He already has called us. Look at the Great Commission...God calls us to "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20)

Now, I know it seems so simple...but it also is very complex. We are all ministers of truth and grace and love when we decide to let God be the center of our lives. But since we are all different parts of the body of Christ, then we are all going to be different ministers. Doctors, teachers, lawyers, garbage collectors, janitors...all can be ministers preaching the same love of God...don't ever doubt that. Don't ever feel like the only way to reach the "lost" is with the title of Pastor, Preacher, Minister, Reverend, etc...we are all disciples, followers of Christ, who have been called by God to preach and live out the love of Christ...

So, fear controls our lives...well, fear is not of God. Fear is of humanity. We created fear. The devil perpetuates fear. God destroys fear.

We have unlimited potential with Christ. We have unlimited, unique journeys with God. But we also have the same destination when we allow God to be the judge of our lives, and not the world.

With One Hand High...

To be quite honest, I am at a loss for words. A lot is going on right now, and it is both good and bad. As I begin my senior year a lot of questions are being asked, with a lot of possible answers:

--Will this be the year I fall in love? Hmm...we'll see (wink wink)

--Will I finally choose a direction for my life? This one is hard, but can also be amended during the course of my life.

--Will truth be revealed? Absolutely...though I am extremely nervous about revealing it!

--Will reconciliation be achieved? Let's hope so...it's a two way street, one that I am quickly finding out requires me to make a move as well as my enemies making a move.

--Will I finally sustain a sense of happiness? Well, instead of happiness, what about, fulfillment?


There are more questions I could pose, but it just becomes irrelevant to my situation, to every person's situation. We are all going through something similar. So what do I do? How do I answer these questions?

Well, I am reading Donald Miller's, "Searching for God Knows What," searching for new music, expressing each day's emotion through a journal, and of course, having, as my friend calls it, JAM time (JAM= Jesus and Me).

Stay tuned!

This is gonna be a good year. I can feel it...

I started my senior year of college, excited and nervous about my future after college. So much has built up to this point that I feel like I could explode. Big things are gonna happen this year. Truths will be revealed, walls will break down, and something will happen to my life that will direct it in the path it is destined to travel.

Have you ever felt this way? So excited, pumped, nervous, afraid, happy, etc., that you just can't put words behind it? Well, ironically, I am trying to put words behind these emotions as I type this post! Have you ever been more afraid of your next step, but also excited to see where it leads you? It is a really weird feeling.

I feel this conviction in my heart to break away. I feel God saying "Go." But I don't know where, and I think He wants to keep it that. God is telling me to just move. I can feel Him move...and it is weird, because I haven't felt Him move in a long time. I am certainly not refreshed, 100%, or without my stresses, but in thinking about them, I become more and more aware of the gravity placed upon my life by the simple fact that I have been saved by God. I feel this obligation to do more. To get out there. To do what I love, and to do it for the love of Christ. I really can't contain these emotions. I am so excited....

Something big is going to happen this year. More than one life will be changed. More than my life will be changed. This world will change.

I stand on the edge of a cliff, viewing a world that is both beautiful and dangerous. A world I used to call my own, that now rejects me because I never belonged. A world that is hungry and thirsty for more. I stand, afraid to fall, to jump, to be. I stand because I am held. I stand because I am saved. I stand because I am ready to stand. I am ready to jump...

Here I go....wanna join me?

I hate being ignored.

Truth be told, I love being the center of attention. The ability to measure friendship based off attention has been a skill of mine for a long time. Grant it, it is not a healthy skill.

This past week has just been one moment of being ignored after the other. As a leader in Intervarsity, as a student, as a son, as a brother, and as a friend. Sometimes I am even being ignored as a Christian. Hell, it doesn't even have to seem like I am being ignored to make me feel ignored. I take words and actions and I dissect them to the point of where "I love you," or "Wanna hang out?" become "I can't stand you, don't ever be around me."

That seems pretty messed up...I agree with you....but it also seems pretty endless.

How many times do people around me have to show they love me, care for me, or appreciate me for me to understand so?

There's a lot of "me's" in that question. Which reveals a painful truth...selfishness.

I am so consumed by myself that: A) I don't confront it because I enjoy making my friends guilty, and B) I am so blinded by myself that I refuse to see the need to love in return. It is sick, to be quite honest. And until I let it go, it will remain an evil cycle that will transcend away from school and family, into relationships and God. So what do I do?

As obvious as it sounds, letting people know about it is hard to do, especially when you become shameful of your humanness. Why should I tell them? Shouldn't they have some notion that I have a problem? Letting those whom you feel have ignored you is the best way to relational reconciliation. It makes you vulnerable to the truth, and allows God to speak truth to you. Also letting go becomes an easier option...well, that is if you allow everything to be said. For many years now I have attempted to reconcile with people who have wronged me, but I just leave the conversation with unsaid words. I am afraid to hurt them, or allow myself to be wrong. It's called pride.

Revealing humanness, in a sense is revealing weakness, but isn't that good? Aren't all humans weak? Isn't God the only One who is strong? And doesn't He love us regardless of our weakness? So why are we so consumed with being "Strong?"

hmm....I guess that's for another time...

State of the Blog

So like our presidents and many government officials present a "State of __" speech, I shall present a state of the blog speech.

For almost three months, I have taken most of my thoughts to the keyboard in hopes of expressing a realist view of my Christian faith as well as my life. What I type is honest, truth, and sincere in hopes of maybe setting the record straight for people who feel like once you give your life to God all things go right. They don't, but that is where faith and hope come into play. So take what I say as a view on life, faith, and the pursuit of happiness...or in this case, joy and purpose.

One thing I would like to address. I write these posts not in the hope that comments will be received, but I gladly enjoy reading either agreed upon views or frictional views. What you do with my posts is up to you, you may read them, write your feelings about said posts, or you can completely blow them off. Today I was surprised to find a comment on a post I had written a few weeks ago. This comment, to me was offensive and slanderous in nature. While I shall not divulge the comment, or the author, I hope to raise awareness for respect with something I truly care about. I do not tolerate belittling, bigotry, or bullying, and in no way will I be content when someone writes something that could hurt you or myself. This is a free place to express thoughts. I am a Christian, and you may be Atheist. We have differing views. We have completely different backgrounds. But we are also human. We should treat each other with respect, so as to bring together rather than isolate and categorize. I read my blog daily just to see what people have thought about my posts, and when comments are posted, I am very excited to enter into a world that searches for understanding. Please treat this as a respectable place of free speech.

In other news...as the school year descends upon my life, I will be trying to stay on top of the blog. If it becomes weeks or months between posts, please understand my time constraints. I am also going to try to be a little more controversial with my posts. I want to instigate conversation. I want to instigate interest. I hope to not push buttons, but in doing so, I hope you understand the point of this blog as a conversation.

So...until another day...maybe even tomorrow!

Being the musician at heart, I am always searching for that song that speaks to my heart. Last week it was "God is God," by Steven Curtis Chapman and how it convicted my heart to do more for God and for my life. This week is a little different, at least in the genre of music. I love Christian music, as it speaks closest to my heart, but secular music is always catching my ear and really stirring up some stuff.

"Someone to Fall Back On" by Jason Robert Brown is such a song. You may recognize the song's tune from the trailer of the movie "Bandslam." And while at first I bought the version from that movie, I am even more entranced by the original version of the song. To me, it speaks to my human heart and my spiritual heart. Here are the lyrics just so you can understand what I will discuss:

Someone To Fall Back On

I’ll never be
A knight in armor
With a sword in hand,
Or a kamikaze fighter;
Don’t count on me
To storm the barricades
And take a stand,
Or hold my ground;
You’ll never see
Any scars or wounds -
I don’t walk on coals,
I won’t walk on water:

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone’s wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

Some comedy -
You’re bruised and beaten down
And I’m the one
Who’s looking for a favor.
Still, honestly,
You don’t believe me
But the things I have
Are the things you need.
You look at me
Like I don’t make sense,
Like a waste of time,
Like it serves no purpose -

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
And if that’s what you believe you need,
You’re wrong - you don’t need much,
You need someone to fall back on...

And I’ll be that:
I’ll take your side.
If I’m the only one,
I’m used to that.
I’ve been alone,
I’d rather be
The half of us,
The least of you,
The best of me.

And I will be
Your prince,
I’ll be your saint,
I will go crashing through fences
In your name. I will, I swear -
I’ll be someone to fall back on!

I’ll be the one who waits,
And for as long as you’ll let me,
I will be the one you need.
I’ll be someone to fall back on:
Your prince,
Your saint,
The one you believe you need
I’ll be - I’ll be
Someone to fall back on.

Pretty interesting lyrics, huh? I love the chorus as it speaks to our imperfections as humans, as lovers, and as Christians.

How am I connecting this song with my spiritual heart?

Well, the fact that the first verse is about not being able to truly fight, sacrificing life is pretty much a direct parallel of my heart for God right now. I love God, and I wish I could fight for Him the way I should, but as my friend "MP" puts it, "Something holds us back. There is this mental block from letting Christ truly take over, and its selfish, but also important." I call it trust issues. So much distrust towards God is inside of my heart that I refuse to truly give Him all of me. I refuse to let my heart fight for God, rather than myself. But the chorus changes. It turns my shame of not letting God have my heart into a charge, a promise to God that I will be here for Him. So, in a sense, my heart is His, but I just don't see it.

The second verse is a little different. I see it as God saying to me that He will be there. He is no prince, and He is no saint, but rather my rock, my stability. I do see Him as a waste of time. He doesn't make sense to my heart, and I still have yet to find a purpose through Him. But He puts it clearly that He is here, providing what I truly need. I don't need a "prince" or a "saint," but a Savior. The last verse and chorus are a promise from me, that while I am not perfect, I am here for God. I am letting Him know that, as long as He needs me I will be here. But it also can be taken as God reassuring my heart, once again, that He is there for me. Whatever way you take it, I hope you see my connection.

But in truth, this post is more about my human heart, my relational heart towards my friends, my future love, and myself.

It is a call to them that I am not perfect, but I am here. I have my struggles, my bruises, my weaknesses, but I still am there for them, regardless of them ignoring me or needing me. I don't make sense at some times to them, because I am different from them.

More importantly this is a promise to my heart that I will be there for myself. When I fall, I will not back down from my shame. When I let myself down, I am still here, trying to find myself. It sounds pretty depressing, and for good measure. I treat myself like crap. I am constantly finding something wrong with myself. And while this seems negative, it is supposed to represent a change in my heart and my view of myself. I am going to try harder to get healthier, physically and mentally.

So take this as you may. I am not in any trouble. I am not in a dark place, but in a clearing in the woods. I see the light. I see the hope. I see myself.

This may seem quite sappy, but we all have our innermost feelings. This is just an outlet for mine to be released.

Listen to the song...I hope you enjoy.

Until next time...

God is God, and I am Man...

Have you ever felt like you were supposed to be bigger than you are? Not in terms of size, but in terms of significance, or purpose? I usually get this way when listening to one of two songs. The first, and no jokes please, is "Reach," by Gloria Estefan. Written in 1996 for the Atlanta Olympics, I remember seeing it performed by Estefan at the closing ceremonies, and I was in awe. During that time I really dreamed about going to the Olympic Games for gymnastics, of which I took part in and followed to a "t." That all changed when I quit the sport at 12 years of age, which I kind of regret to this day because I was good at it...but also because it represented another dream differed.

The second, of which has occurred recently, is "God is God," by Steven Curtis Chapman. I haven't really been an afficionado of Christian music, primarily because of the "cheesiness" of some of the songs and artists, but this song, from one of the pre-eminent Contemporary Christian artists of our time really caught me off guard. So far I have listened to the song over 30 times since I purchased it on Saturday. The song, ladened with amazing beats and vocals, is more riveting in its driving music and lyrics. I have never felt more convicted, yet disappointed when I listen to the song. To me, I feel so charged to get out there and be something that I just wish I could leave my bedroom right now and live on my own. I feel like when I listen to this song I could do something great with my life. I feel like I should be singing this song...no, not that I should be Steven Curtis Chapman, but that I should be singing this song about following God and charging the peoples to listen to Him. I feel like this is the song of my life...and song that combines music, lyrics, God, and dramatics to create something that, if it has changed my heart, it could change the hearts of many.

But then reality sets in, and I realize I have gotten my head trapped in the clouds. Is it shame? Is it jealousy? Is it a desire to be individually significant?

It's a combination of all three...and more. I hate that I am 21 years of age, and yet I still have nothing, in my mind, significant to show for my life. I haven't accomplished anything I feel is worthy of, well to sound selfish, fame and influence. I have a lot to offer. And I have been told I have a lot of talent in many fields (I need to say it like that because a lot of the time I feel I am not so talented, but that's another post!). Here I am, sitting in my room, and all I can do is listen to this song 1000 times, until I am so bored with it that I put it down. But I am not bored with the song. The more I listen to it, the more I am entranced by the passion, charge, emotion, and faith behind the song.

But what is God trying to say to me through this song?

I think God is telling me that it is time to get up and do something with my life. In my heart I feel Him telling me to follow my dreams, not for me, but for Him. Now before you go and refute that statement, let me explain. I feel like God is saying for me to follow my dreams because He will be glorified through it. He has prepared me with talent, heart, honesty, and faith to go out and not be afraid of the world. I have a story to tell through my life and my dreams. God is out there, as well as in my heart.

But how do I get over the "shame-shock" that hits when I hear this song, "Reach," or see others doing great things with their lives? How do I get over my life, and begin to live it? How do I get over myself, and get on board with God?

I may be small, but God is so big...and if He loves me, then that makes me pretty important to Him...and since He loves all of us, then we are pretty significant to Him.

He has great things planned for me...I am gonna be used in ways I can't even imagine. Who knows, maybe one day I will have a song that does the same to another person in the world. Who knows, but God?

p.s.-- I encourage you to listen to both songs!!

Prayer at 1:03 am

Dear God,

So I am sitting here, at 1:03am and I have no clue what I am praying to You about. For some reason sleep escapes me, preventing me the rest from the busyness of my mind. I am none to happy with You, God. For one thing, I am up at 1:03am. But more importantly I am not happy with You because I feel lost. So many questions are running through my mind, that everything feels and seems like a confusing blur called life.

I have done so much to not be proud of, and that is all I can think about. My friendships have deteriorated to the point where I really question who is my friend, and who isn't. My future is up in the air because I can't really commit to any dream that I plan. And what's worse is that You and Me just don't seem to be on good terms. The only thing I know how to do is to pray to You, lay it all out there, and hope that You see me and grant me at least rest.

God, my friends probably hate me. I have been a real jerk to each and every one of them this past year. I have expected them to be there for me, while I was not there for them. I invaded their lives to the point of becoming dependent upon them to carry me, even when I was able to walk. I am afraid of losing them God. And I am afraid of making them You. I go to them more than I come to You, a problem which has hit me hard recently. Jealousy has taken over my heart, creating hatred and disgust towards them, and sneering behind their backs in order to lift my own personal spirit. They can't trust me because I don't allow them to. I break them down at the first sign of responsibility. Most of my friendships aren't healthy because I refuse to be honest, and put my hope and trust in You to provide the community I need to follow You. God, help to be a better person towards them, so that I may be a better person towards my enemies and those who I have yet to meet.

God, my future is so up in the air. I want to follow You, but I feel like I have to be a pastor to do so, which is not what I want to do. I want to sing God. I want to help people God. I want to do great things God. But I am afraid of taking that next step because what if it isn't what You have planned for me? I don't want to upset You. All I know is that I want to do something that makes me happy, but also something that You have planned for me. Speak to me in ways that will lead me into the future You have promised for me.

God, You and I are not on good terms. I am so angry at You because I feel forgotten and un-loved. I pray to for answers, only to gain more questions. I try to seek You, only to become more lost in the process. God, it is not You who should change, but me. Open my eyes to see Your glory. I am afraid of You. This world has told me who You are, but I don't know You are in my heart. I love You so much. Your grace has saved me, allowing me to stand beside You, ready to spread the same love shown to me. God, I do not doubt my salvation, but I am afraid that my mind is winning the battle between my heart. Protect me from the perils of this world. Be my shield and sword. Only You are truth, and not any person, country, political sphere, etc..

Every day I am looking at You and Your glory in a new vantage point. Continue to mold me in to the man You want me to be. God, provide me rest. Rest for a heart that is weary. Rest for a mind that is tired. Rest for a man who is lost.

I love You Lord.

Amen

The Green-eyed Monster

Naturally as a person with real green eyes, I guess it comes as no surprise that I tend to get jealous quite often. Recently, as in the past two years, I have noticed my jealousy arising on a weekly, if not sometimes, daily basis. Now, it would moot to ask if any one has ever been jealous before, but when you ask yourself that question, it brings to the forefront all of the insecurities and faults of your life.

This past week has really seen a resurgence in my "green-eyed" monster. I am jealous more of my friends, than anyone else, and that really takes a toll on my personal life, as in my introverted self. My friends are amazing people, who have overcome amazing obstacles, and have become great friends and followers of Christ. But I just feel like I pale in comparison to them. One friend has such an international heart, yearning to reach out to the world outside of the U.S.. Another friend is so passionate about youth that he has created a ministry that is going to reach middle and high-schoolers, and it has gained the backing of most of the people I know. Another is really passionate about prayer and literally is the go-to person when I need prayer. And when I look at myself, I see someone who has yet to find his niche. I want to be just like my friends. I want to do the same great things they are doing, and it stings when I somewhat fail or flounder in my attempts.

So what is God trying to tell me? Well, in my heart, I feel Him telling me to quit looking to others for a calling and a hope, and to look the One who actually promised hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I feel Him saying, "Sam, stop. Breathe. You are ok. Nothing is wrong with you. You are different my son. You have other hearts to touch. Patience." Why is it that patience is the answer? Well, God wants us to see the beauty in His love. If we go at it in a blur, thinking we know what we are doing, we lose sight of the being truly behind our actions. It becomes no longer God's plan, but our goal.

It's a tough line to walk. But the amazing thing is that God loves us, even when we are the most jealous people on the planet. God knows our hearts. He knows that we yearn for significance and for purpose. He also knows we need to be loved, and loving ourselves, in my opinion, second only to loving God.

I am a natural green-eyed monster, but praise God in His forgiveness and His blessings. I am not like you or anyone else. My path is going to be different, but it also will be beautiful. God will do great things, with or without me, but praise Him for allowing me to do it for Him!

Can You Hear Me Now? Good...

Have you ever just wanted God to come right down from heaven and speak to you in the same way He spoke to Moses, and other great people in the Bible? Have you ever wondered why you can't hear God? Have you ever tried to hear a whisper so much that your head actually hurt?

Hearing God is a problem for me. My world is constantly filled with "noise." This isn't found just in audible sounds, but also just busyness, and an attitude that seemingly shuts God out, when ironically I am trying to personally get closer to Him. Another part of my problem is the fact that as an intelligent being, I am constantly supplanting God with logic. I used to pray right before I went to bed, but not on my knees, but as I was laying in bed. And while I did that, and I still do, I would tell myself that I was praying to the ceiling, or that because God wasn't speaking to me in my way, that He didn't exist. It had been like that since I gave my life to God. I expected to be treated much like Moses was with the burning bush.

It's hard to have faith. But if it were easy, then that would make God less of God and more of the world. It would diminish His vastness and His great power, that is impossible for us to comprehend let alone accomplish on our own. So why do we base our faith off of "hearing" God? What is it about the word "calling" that seemingly makes us believe that being called by God to something, or even being just in the presence of Him means we have to hear with our ears? In my opinion, much to my disliking, I feel like God really isn't going to come right out and say things. He knows what's going on, and while we don't, and wish we did, He is ultimately in control. Remember, in 1 Kings 19, Elijah expects God to come in the wind, an earthquake or a fire, but rather comes to Him in a whisper.

I think we'll know when God is truly speaking to our hearts. It's called conviction. Mandisa loves to put it this way in her song "God Speaking":

"Have you ever heard a love song that set your spirit free?
Have you ever watched a sunrise and felt you could not breathe?
What if it's Him? What if it's God speaking?
Have you ever cried a tear that you could not explain?
Have you ever met a stranger who already knew your name?
What if it's Him? What if it's God speaking?

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough?
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to...
to tell us 'I love you.'

Have you ever lost a loved one who you thought should still be here?
Do you know what it feels like to be tangled up in fear?
What if He's somehow involved?
What if He's speaking through it all?

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough?
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to...
to tell us 'I love you.'

His ways are higher...
His ways are better...
Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger than God in a manger?

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough?
Who knows how He'll get a hold of you?
Get your attention to prove He is enough?
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to...
to tell us 'I love you.'

There is a way that God reaches each and every one of us. And each time it is unique to each and every one of us. I had to understand this before I could go any further in my walk. Last semester I was very angry at God because He had blessed a friend with a great ministry idea and opportunity. Suddenly I could sense God working in his life, and I felt left out. I felt forgotten by God and by my friend. Here was a guy who had given his life to Christ, and God was blessing him with an opportunity that was perfectly tailored to him. It was amazing to see, and I was one jealous soul. But it took some time for me to realize that I wasn't going to be in the same boat as my friend was. I was different. There is something out there for me, but I was so focused on getting the same blessing that my friend received, that I failed to see what a blessing God had given me through grace and life. And it has taken me even longer to realize, and overcome my shame at my attitude toward my friend. I still to this day don't feel right with him, and it kills me. But God is taking my shame and He is turning it into a great blessing.

Hearing God is not a direct measure of faith. Hoping to hear God, and not hearing Him should not destroy your faith, but empower it because it allows you to truly get to the root of your life, and that is where God truly is. God, as shown in the above lyrics, will do whatever He wants to to tell us He loves us, and He is going to use us, and He is going to save us. And in today's technological society, there are even greater opportunities to find God's voice.

But I think the best way, and a way I have been learning to practice more, is to just be silent. It's when you stop talking that your ears begin listening to God's voice. We are surrounded by noise, and while it is a beautiful thing, and we find God in songs, movies, commercials, etc. God is found greater within our hearts.

"Who knows how He'll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough?
He'll do and He'll use whatever He wants to
To tell us, 'I love you'

"God is speaking, 'I love You.'"

Have you ever politely, not cared? I don' think it's apathy, but it's pretty darn close. Apathy seems to have a negative connotation that represents sloth and heartlessness. This feeling is certainly not said feelings. It may be more closely related to empathy, but who cares...haha.

The past few weeks, maybe even months, I have been on this search for an identity. The past three years have been filled with sleepless nights devoted to worrying about my life and what to do with it. Not negatively, mind you, but I am in college, and I feel like I need to asking myself the hard questions. Where do I see myself in a year? In ten years? What am I going to do after this last year of college? Where and how am I going to live? But more importantly, who am I, and what have I discovered about myself while here at college?

God and I were never really close, no matter how much I played the part. And while I was devoted to Intervarsity Christian Fellowship and my home church, I couldn't help but feel bound and constrained. I love the people in both places, and I have learned so much from being a part of their respective, figurative lives. But I also feel like I am enhancing this bubble that I have lived in for 21 years. The church is all I have known. I don't know the world that's out there for me. And while I wasn't the most sheltered child, I still feel like I also wasn't the most exposed. Which is tough considering as a Christian I should be out in this world, living for Christ and such...but I don't know this world, and now I feel like I can't leave the bubble I am hiding in to get out there.

I'm not saying let me loose and see what I do. I am not saying that I want to go off the deep end and end up living with out God. I feel a lot of Christians don't like to think of living without thinking of living for Christ. And I guess that is where I am different. I guess that is where the friction comes in place. It's not about a social life. It's not about success. But what am I going to show about my life at the pearly gates of Heaven if all I have done is made friends within the Christian community? I've belabored my weeks with countless Christian functions including church, bible study, and the occasional retreat to the point of where I literally have realized that I have been acting as a Christian in name only. I did all of this to remain busy, and to remain attached to the friends I thought I would lose. But if they are my friends, than they will care for me even when I am not there...right? Yes.

But wait there's more...this is getting good!

Looking back at my life is something I am good at. I am always critcizing myself about the "what-ifs" and "coulda-woulda-shoulda." But surprisingly I feel like God has finally commanded me to live. The only problem is I am so used to looking back and worrying about looking forward. Which brings me to my definition of what "living" is. Living is living without a care. Living with the ability to go out into the world and experience it, producing an open mind that isn't neccessarily accepting of non-Christian values and society, but at least respectful of it. Why live like I am afraid of this world? I am not afraid of the world because I am not of this world...and as a follower of Christ, fear is not something He produces!

I also have matured. At least I think I have. I feel like I am different from most Christians, and almost all non-Christians, which puts me in an amazing, yet difficult position. I am not one to listen almost exclusively to Christian music, nor do I exclusively listen to secular music. I do read the occasional Christian book, but T.S. Eliot gets me every time. And I am living under the belief that to do something for God and to live for Him, does not involve me being a pastor or starting a ministry (If that is you...more power to you!). Personally I think God wouldn't give a flying flip if you exclusively listened to Christian music, spoke no cuss-words, and only read scripture. To me, I think He would be quite upset, because that puts in a place where we act like we are above this world. Trust me, I drink, I have a habit of cussing on the road (road rage!), and I listen to a majority of secular music, and yet I still feel as if I have been living like I looked down on the rest of the world.

God and I are getting better. In fact I don't think I have ever been this sure of my faith in Him than now. He has molded me into really asking the tough life questions.

And to be honest...right now, I don't really care what you think of me. God thinks highly of me because I am His child. And I think He sees potential in everyone and He loves the regardless.

Sorry...this might not be the most coherent of topics, but it is a conglomeration of thoughts that have been in my mind for the past week!

Apologies

Hey all,

I am sorry that I haven't written in a few days. Last week had so many topics that I wanted to talk about in such a short time that I literally lost my mind and ideas! Bear with me the next two weeks as I move out of my apartment in Charlotte, finish up summer school, continue voice lessons, continue work, and live in Raleigh for two weeks....I'll try really hard to continue writing new topics that allow for conversation!

All I Want to Do...

I know this like a short amount of time between posts (considering the last one was written last night!), but sometimes things get into my head that I just can't be patient.

And again I must provide a slight disclaimer. This is far more secular of a topic than others before, and I hope that friends shall not be offended by my post...if you are, let me know!

Have you ever wanted to hop in the car with your best friends and just drive...to a lake, the beach, a big city, etc.? Have you ever just wanted to hang out with friends with no structure? Have you ever just wanted to be...rather than following the routine-ness of life?

I have great friends. I really do. They have been awesome the past few years, and we have enjoyed some great times together. But, I can't help but want more. No this is not a plea to my friends to change who they are, nor is it a critique and debasement of their character and personalities (Like I said, I have enjoyed great times with you guys, times I will never forget!). But only a few times in my short independent (after high school) life have I felt like I have just been...well, independent and spontaneous. I have yet to really take a road trip to anywhere with my best friends. UNC Charlotte doesn't have a football team to tailgate for, thus eliminating another opportunity for hang out time. And with the stress of summer school and jobs and the need to support my independent life, I have all but eliminated the opportunities to have a summer that resembles any of the summers in elementary, middle, and high school. So I have always been hoping for more...

And during the school year, and this summer, there have been many times where I have hung out with friends spontaneously. So I shouldn't base my "social" life on the notion that I don't have good friends, nor good times...because, as I said, I have great, awesome friends. I just feel so tied down. Responsibility wasn't supposed to come this fast. The "real world" wasn't supposed to hit this soon. Like most adults say, college is the best time of your life. The idea that they are they best years of my life sure hasn't lived up to its potential. It has been great, and I wouldn't trade these years for anything (I wish I could be a lifetime college student!), but I feel like I haven't taken advantage of my youth. For one thing in high school I never really got to go to sporting events, namely football, because I was in marching band...and while I made great friends there, I have always felt "programmed" for a greater social life. And now that I am in college, there is stuff that some people find to be fun, like clubbing and having keggers, but I find those to be at the bottom of my priority list in having fun. And a lot of my friends are younger than me, making it slightly harder to do some things (yes I mean going to bars and having a couple beers...I am 21 and I feel I am the only one who can say whether I want to drink or not!).

But I guess this is just a moment in my life where I am growing up. I need to adapt. I need to step outside of my friend bubble and meet more people. And I need to pay the same respect to each friend I have. They are all close to me...and I love them like brothers and sisters! And maybe I shouldn't waste my time worrying about life, and more time living my life.

I am 21, and I have many more "young" years to come where I can enjoy my life with friends and family. And who's to say that I can't enjoy life when I am much older? I have a world out there that I want to live and experience. And I have a God who has blessed me with great friends and family to experience it with. So I continue living my life...

As T.I. and Rhianna say: "So live your life...."



** again, I love you guys I call friends! This is definitely not a means by which we should stop hanging out together! Let's continue what we got going...you don't need to fix something that isn't broken!!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

This is a slight continuation from the previous post about fairy tales...but while the title itself and some points addressed are similar, I feel that this is an entirely separate direction from that post.

I have wanted write about this topic for quite some time, but as usual I chickened out or something caught me in a moment and I had to write about it. Also, I didn't know how to write this, so bear with me for the time being...

Image is something that I struggle with. To be honest, I do not like the image I portray, which makes this very difficult to write about because I am writing to myself, as well as others. When I look in a mirror, I am my worst critic. Who isn't? There is always something wrong with how we look. There has to be, or else the world is not revolving. In my case, my weight has steadily increased from my so-called "glory days" of being 5' 11" and 160lbs. I now stand at a heavier, 193 lbs, and while that doesn't seem all that bad...it's the fact that I have reached this point that upsets me. As a traditionalist, I do not like change. And in my resistance towards change, I try all that I can to regain what I once was...physically. In the end my motivation gives way to laziness, thus continuing the cycle that I am on. Not only does my weight upset me, but my hair upsets. I joke about my balding on a frequent basis, but truly, I am upset by it. I used to have quite the head of hair, ask my mother, who is probably going to read this! I was proud of my hair, and as a result of stress placed on me from academics and the "Real World," I have lost a good portion of my hair. That's not all...but those are the two big physical issues at hand...

So why am I, as well as others (probably yourselves?) so addicted to a "Fairy-tale physical embodiment?" Why have issues such as anorexia, bulimia, plastic surgery, etc. channeled our disdain for our mirror image? In a large way, society has placed a heavy burden on image. Nowadays, looking good, meaning looking like a Hollywood movie star who has a 31" waist (guys), gorgeous blonde hair, and chiseled abs can achieve almost anything...from movie roles, corporate jobs, etc. For examples all one has to do is look at the evil-empire of Abercrombie and Fitch and their recent struggles with their supposed "Look Policy." In order to get anywhere, talent, education, and achievement takes a backseat as an amenity to our looks. Now, don't get me wrong, a healthy image is a positive image, but in most cases that is taken way too far.

But we shouldn't blame society entirely. It's human nature. In the Bible, Adam and Eve, following their sin, show shame when confronted by their nakedness before God and each other (Genesis 3:7). It has seemingly been programmed into our lives that we are very image concious. The devil loves this. He loves shame. He loves getting us to hate us. That's how he attacks, because he has "broken" our spirit creating disdain in our lives and the need to classify beauty and rank other human aspects. Its really hard to explain, especially since I am writing as a victim of my own self-hatred.

Physical image is not the only image we judge on a personal level, and of course a societal level. Inner beauty is an even greater mountain to climb, especially when it takes humility, rather than shame, to approach the "summit." (Like that symbolism!?!)

Here are the tough answers we have to accept. We will never be perfect. Just look at the people who routinely get plastic surgery...they always find something wrong. But our imperfection should not be a roadblock in our lives. It should be embraced. We are made in the likeness of God. If we don't like our likeness, then we don't like a creation of God, and to put that further, we don't like the image of God. Which in typing this, suddenly makes sense. I am ashamed of who God made me to be...which is almost like saying I am ashamed of God's creation, and God...which now makes me question whether I want to laugh or cry...the answer is laugh.

I think God would want me to laugh at that revelation, because it allows me to gain some sort of closure with my body issues, and even more, my trust issues with God. And now, as I look at myself, yes, I want to take better care of my body, so I will try to be more healthy. The Bible does say that our bodies are a temple, therefore we should take care of the temple. But I won't look at myself and wonder why, how, and what could've been. When embrace our image, we are able to turn our eyes away from ourselves, and onto the world that is not so fairy tale.

It's not about looking back at yourself. It's about looking out at the world you live in in order to see how you can change it.

Mirror, mirror on the wall...who's the fairest one of all?

Ever After

I must admit something...I like the movie "Ever After." I really do. I like the acting, the music, the scenery, and more importantly the story. Why? Well for a variety of reasons...

In my opinion, most humans love a good fairy tale. It places our minds in a world of magic that resembles nothing of the reality we live in. Fairy tales are about magic and prosperity and hope and...happy endings. Isn't that the selling point? If a fairy tale didn't have a happy ending, then who would read it. I dare you to find one fairy tale, not fable (entirely different, but that is an argument I seek to avoid!), in which a happy ending is not the result. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, Hansel and Gretel...the list could go on and on.

We like happy endings. We crave happy endings. Who doesn't want someone to save them from the terror of life and end up living in prosperity and happiness until their death? Who doesn't want to live like a king or queen...or prince or princess? Who doesn't wish for reality to not be true?

I am a pretty imaginative person. While I am quite the social butterfly, I am more comfortable as an introvert. My introverted side allows me to "gander" at the "fluff" of fairy tales. What if I were rich and successful, living in a palace in the mountains of Bavaria...well I don't really think about that stuff, but, what if I were rich and lived in a mansion without a worry in my life?

What makes me do this? What makes everyone do this? For one thing, we live in a not-so-pretty world. In Charlotte, all I have to do is step out side campus to see homelessness, poverty, drugs, alcohol, etc. Even in the "mystic" lands of Bavaria, Bohemia, the English countryside, and other settings of famous fairy tales there is the reality of the society we live in. On another note, our society loves to portray our imperfections as just that, imperfections. This makes us want to be different. Name one character in a fairy tale who isn't portrayed, described both literally and figuratively as handsome, beautiful, successful? "Shrek" did a number on this issue, but the issues linger to this day.

Donald Miller, my all-time favorite author writes about Harry Potter in his book, "Searching for God Knows What." Miller writes that our fantasy about Harry Potter is all about our desire for "wish-fulfillment," and he paints a difficult, but true picture...we can never return to Eden.

Tough pill to swallow...for me, and most of the world. What does this mean? As much as I wish my life were like a fairy tale, Hollywood movie, etc., it's not going to be like that. These are books or movies that cram a life story in a number of pages or minutes, while my life spans years. What happens in these minutes leaves much to be answered or discovered. Why would I want loose ends tied up by a generalized "happy ending" than have all of my answers discovered and played out on the "stage" called my life? What does a fairy tale have, that God doesn't already provide? Success, prosperity, hope, love, and even a happy ending are all guaranteed by God himself...if you need proof, open the Bible or pray to God sincerely. He will answer any question you have...it's your choice to accept that answer...which leads to our "addiction" to fairy tales.

We all want something that provides answers, quickly. Fairy tales accomplish that and more. They satisfy our need for hope and a "rosy" picture. But they are fiction. Which causes us to do anything to gain a fairy tale life...even though it is not humanly possible. God makes that possible...but in His way, and not ours.

I know this may seem to be written in a manner that represents "ping-pong" thoughts, which is true because I have been studying for a midterm for about four hours...so I apologize for my lack of cohesiveness...so expect a follow up real soon...

Until then...think about it...why are you so enamored with a happy ending...

To get to a happy ending, you have to write the story...

Where is the happy medium?

So I must confess, this post is really not me providing knowledge, but me seeking to address my ignorance as well as my questions...please do not be offended by what I write!

Earlier today I noticed on Facebook a number of friends who had posted statuses proclaiming that they wished to be baptized in anguish. With these status changes was a youtube video of a pastor by the name of David Wilkerson. The video was the words of the pastor with his voice in the background actually speaking those words. Wilkerson preached about how Christians today are being passive, marrying the "world," and ultimately losing sight of the central tenets of being a Christian by, as Wilkerson put it, "I see the world coming and impacting the church rather than the church impacting the world."

To be honest, I was a bit upset after watching such a charged and emotional video, and hearing the passion behind this preacher. I was also upset to hear such aggression in his voice, and ultimately I turned off from it. I am not the most aggressive human being. I don't like arguments, and frequently dodged "persecution" for some of my beliefs. For example, I am a fervent Democrat, and while it is a personal choice equal to the choices of other adult Americans who are able to vote, I feel more and more shunned and turned off by my Republican friends because I refuse to tell them why I believe what I believe. The same can be said for non-Christians in my life. I do not like it when preachers, politicians, and others "preach" about being aggressive in todays society.

But here is where my problem exists. As Christians we should be assertive in loving others and proclaiming God's love for others. One of my favorite quotes is, "Preach the Gospel, and if necessary, use words." I hold firm to that knowledge to this day. And while that may seem like the passive stance, I refuse to accept that true aggression is the way to the Gospel. So where is the happy medium between the two? Is it assertion? Is it passive aggression?

I admit that I have a naive world-view, political-view, and Christian-view. I am not well versed in scripture. I am not well versed in the ongoings of the world. And I am not well versed in my defense of what I believe.

The sermon brought to mind the song "Onward Christian Soldiers." Should we be soldiers armed to fight with swords and shields, or should we be soldiers armed with the Word and Love of God? Is there a solution between the two?

I understand that the Christian faith is "under attack." It has been that way since the days of Adam and Eve. Satan is a crafty being who is out to ruin God's children. But my problem lies within identifying whether it is really Satan attacking us, or us attacking us by way of Satan's evil seeds. How do we know who is hurting who? Are Christians today hurting the world by being exclusive, conservative, closed-minded, or elitist? Are non-Christians hurting the world by their openess, humaness, and humilty? Should we wear our sins on our sleeves as Christians, or should we hide them behind the "four walls of our exclusive churches?"

I very well have made up my own assumptions based on these answers. I have lived by my views for the past 21 years. What are yours? I am not out to get conservatives, nor am I attacking either side of the Christian spectrum. This is not politics, but rather God.

Are we allowed to ask each other these questions, whether we are Christians or not? Are we allowed to even discuss such matters, or have we become so perfectionist that we refuse to be criticized and corrected?

Is this, or are these valid questions for a Christian to ask?

All I ask is for a little compassion and respect in your response...we are all broken, therefore we are all not perfect or right....God is the only One who is right...but talk amongst yourselves!

Can I do this? Am I up to the challenge?

Those two questions seem to be popping up in my head lately. I think they are popping up, not because of my plans with singing, but my walk with Christ.

To be honest, I have been asking these two questions for a long time without recognizing that they were being asked of my faith. I always thought I was asking myself about my future and careers and school, but deep down I was challenging myself to "man-up" to my faith. If I believed in God, which I do, then why do I not live like I believe? Why did I separate my relationship with God from my relationship with myself? Why did I live like I was in two worlds, one devoted to God and His love, and the other devoted to my life on this earth? It seems strange, but I believe every Christian asks themselves if they can do it.

It's not doubt...and that is something I had to struggle with for a long time. It was fear. And now I know I can do it...why? Because I have seen what Satan is doing to me to prevent my potential with Christ. He is trying way too hard to bring me down, and he almost did in more ways than one. At one point last week I had proclaimed that I had lost my mind, and ended up sleeping on the floor of my apartment with the t.v. still on. I was driving all around Charlotte, and I just started crying...no explanation. And suddenly I began defining who I was. And it dawned on me that I am not defined by my chains...

No, not by my chains...but by the "Chain-breaker"

Ain't that a cool thing to say...it's even cooler to believe. It's also hard to believe. But the truth is, and this is the biggest pill I have had to swallow, is that we are never going to be 100% for and with God. As humans, we are prone to making mistakes, and ultimately falling away from God. It's been programmed in our bodies since the ages of Eden...and we all know how that happened. So of course, in my journey with Christ, I expected God and Christ to have made mistakes, especially with me...I know, that's another story. But what is so hard for me to accept, let alone believe is the fact that God is not human...He does not make mistakes....

When I say I don't have the faith to stand, well...there is actually a lot of faith behind that. If I didn't have faith, then I wouldn't be so worried about losing it. In fact, God is still there whether I have 100% faith or 50% faith...He uses every bit of it. One of my favorite scriptures is Galatians 5:9. It says a little yeast goes a long way...so think of our faith as yeast, God as air, and our lives dough. Yeast allows the air to rise in the dough, fill the dough, and ultimately make good bread, but it only takes a little. In the same way, God makes us who are weak in faith, but who have what little faith there is, and turns us into warriors fighting for Him. Remember Peter...he didn't know he had faith to walk on water, and when he stepped onto the water, what faith he had dissipated, but Jesus caught him. Even though that led to a sort of admonishing from Jesus, it still portrayed God's ability to hold onto our lives even when it seems like we can't.

There is a lot more I could talk about concerning this...but I will end on one last thing.

Each person's faith is different from the next person. And while it is good to have a community that cultivates and strengthens and nourishes faith...ultimately we are physically, humanly alone with our faith. Faith does not come from doing things with others because everyone else does it. It does not come from the celebratization of pastor. It does not come from other people. It comes from God and lives inside of us. We as a society have grown so dependent on what other people say and do...I should know. But now I am on my own, and even though it seems dark, there is hope from my faith in Christ. Your relationship with Christ is between you and Christ...not anyone else. So instead of putting the weight on other humans who are known to make mistakes, why not put it with God, who has never made a mistake.

That last bit was sort of a rant, but some things only need one time to be spoken...so there was my one time on that!

In conclusion:

Yes I can do this. Yes you can do this. We can do this because He has loved us, even with our weak faith.

Remember: Chains = sin and shame

We are not defined by our chains, but by the "Chain-breaker."

Believing

Ok, so I must apologize for the time between posts. I have really wanted to post something, and have had many opportunities, but I wanted something bigger to talk about.

Well, how much bigger do I get than with God?

But to be honest with you, as a Christian, it gets harder to maintain my faith with God. For a long time I questioned whether I was a Christian because I had doubts about God. But now, I think of it as a blessing because we are humans, and we will always doubt God and His presence. I find it to be a blessing because it allows me to explore God in a new, different way that is greater than our knowledge of Him gathered from our church pews and our bibles. Now, I know that when I say that I may sound blasphemic, but the Bible is the word of God, the bible is a book with ink on its pages. That is what I believe...and I feel like God is ok with that.

I get to explore God as the people in the early days of Christianity got to explore Him, outside of the influence of our t.v. evangelists and our megachurches. I get to explore God without pressure to know Him or else I would be so-called excommunicated from the group of people I associated with. It allows me to know God in my own personal life and be able to defend my belief in Him by my own personal story. I believe that today many of our Christians have been "brain-washed" into believing the good about God and about being a Christian. This gives me a hard time, mainly because when I see my friends post about the fact that ten kids (stress on kids) gave their lives to Christ, I have to question they are aware of the world outside of their happy-go-lucky pews at church and recignize God in the entire world. It isn't pretty, and there's a reason behind that result. I have to question how many of those kids actually believe in God or believe in the culture of Christianity. I have to question how many of those kids would actually remain believing in God once they leave the confines of their hometowns.

I am not like most Christians. While I enjoy the Christian music scene, it is not my foremost music genre. I do not flaunt my Christian life on the pages of AIM, Facebook, or Myspace displaying scripture, asking for prayer, and/or praising God's holy name. While they may not be that bad, I just don't see the point nor the fruit resulting from such actions. I feel like I should be real about my walk with Christ. And to tell you the truth, I believe God wants me to do this.

Many occasions have resulted in my questioning of God's existence. In fact, I did so today. In my opinion (stress on the "my" adjective of possesion) I feel that if God exists, then He would make Himself known to the world. Which is why the fact that Jesus did the opposite in His life, hiding behind obscurity after performing miracles. And once again, I find it a blessing that I am asking these questions. It allows me to actually understand who God is in my life. I feel like God wants me to ask these questions because it "tests" my faith...now that isn't the best way to say such, but I actually feel like it is true. I feel like I am living for Christ by living honestly in my walk with Him. It allows for a kid, who say, has just given their life to Christ to understand that this is no panacea/cure-all but rather a lesson in grace, hope, and love. God still loves me, and He proves this time and time again in providing hope from grace.

Remember when I said that I felt God should prove Himself to the world? Well, that was my human view of God. God is much bigger than that. God exists because if He didn't, I wouldn't be here today. I believe in God because He knows me way more than I do, and He constantly rocks my world. God has proven Himself to the world, and for proof, look no further than my life. I am living proof of God's existence. The people who post praises for God are proof of God's existence. You are proof. God created us, sustained us, loved us, and loves us. The fact that I am able to wake up every morning is a testament to grace resulting from God's love.

God doesn't need me to prove His existence. He doesn't need me to have His great "plan" fulfilled. But I am here, and I am honest, and I am willing...and He is gonna use that in any way possible.

Believing is living, and living is believing. Believing in God is living for God, and living for God is believing in God and His great love...

I Dreamed a Dream...

Have you ever had a dream? Not something in the night that wakes you from your sleep, but a dream to be something...a goal.

Have you ever felt like your dream might not go with what God has in store for you? Are you afraid to even attempt that dream because you might feel, I don't know, disowned by God?

I love musicals. I have quite a fondness of them, especially since I learned I could actually sing well. I remember then first musical I was truly enamored with was "Wicked," not only because it was a precursor to my favorite movie, "The Wizard of Oz," but because it basically rocked. There were some songs in that musical that lit a flame under me and drove a passion deep within my heart. But I never thought of actually attempting musical theater as a career...that is, until last year. Over the summer last year I began taking voice lessons. My teacher was really awesome. She inspired me to be passionate if I wanted to be...and I went head over heels for musicals. My teacher said I could even go to New York and audition for a chorus role and actually have a good chance of making it. I thought that was shocking.

So, I began pondering the options of actually being on "Broadway." It felt right. It felt like I was actually finding my niche. Then the economy collapsed, along with my mental state. I went through a rough spot last year, getting over my struggles and reconnecting with God. So I placed "Broadway" on the back burner...actually I had eliminated it from my mind. Until this summer. And all of a sudden, like getting back on a horse, I was enamored with musicals.

So what does this have to do with God?

Well, I am afraid to pursue this venture, because...well, what if it isn't meant to be in God's eyes. What if this isn't what God wants me to do with my life?

God knows what I am going to be. He knows what we all are going to be. If you need assurance of that, then read Jeremiah 29:11...probably the quintessential message of hope in Spiritual Direction and finding yourself in God's plans. So if God knows what I am going to be, then why should I attempt musical theater?

If I don't I won't get hurt. If I don't, I won't be tested. If I don't, then I won't know if it actually fit within God's plans. And if I do, and it doesn't work, then at least I know it doesn't work within God's plans...so I have hope in that fact. If I fail, God is still there to carry me and use me in ways I have yet to even think of. And if I succeed, then that places me in a place where I can cultivate my own gift from God with singing and be amongst people who are lost from His love. What a mission field that would be. And what a mission field I am already in.

God will provide. And I have to continue on my journey with Him.

I hope you look at dreams as a possibility of spreading God's word and glorifying Him. I hope you don't turn away from your dreams because of fear...that's what I have done. Fear is definitely from God. If it is meant to be, then it will end up that way. Just remain passionate about your dreams and most importantly, remain passionate and on fire for God because He will lead you to places you wouldn't think of. He is gonna use you in ways that are amazing!

Searching for a Title

To be very honest with whoever reads this blog, I am not a great equivocator (that means speaker!). I have a habit of stumbling over my words and thoughts, creating a mish-mashed concoction of words. And blogging is not my forte. I am not a person who can speak to masses, charging or challenging, or pulling great knowledge together to move people into action. I see myself as a worker bee, one who stays within the hive and makes honey, not the bees that leave the nest and get to see the world, and certainly not the Queen Bee (or King Bee in my case!).

With that said, as an introduction, I thought I would look at the title of this blog. Welcome to "The Big Blue!" I am proud of the title, especially after trying like 30 other possible, what I thought were creative titles. Other people have taken those choices, and at the risk of upsetting my pride, I will remain with "The Big Blue" as a bright spot in the creative sector of my brain. (I know there is another "Big Blue" out there...but I remain proud!)

Isn't life the same way? We search for a title to live by, only to realize that it doesn't fit, whether it physically doesn't or mentally we just don't want it to fit. Titles are hard...I still have no idea how writers, musicians, and even our politicians come up with some of the names we are familiar with today. So why do we try to fit under a title?

Our lives are each separate stories, unique to each and every one of us. God made us unique. God is unique. So why do we try to understand who we are, and ultimately who God is by condensing all that is about Him and us into a catchy title that should explain everything or intrigue a "reader" of our lives? Shouldn't the plot be the most interesting part of the story?

My life is definitely not perfect. God continues to rock my world, turning it upside down until I realize that He actually turned me right side up. My plot is writing itself out as God continues to mold me into who He wants me to be.

This blog is a glimpse of my mind, and how my imperfections, doubts, questions, praises, joys, and actions ultimately bring together a grand novel written by God. My story is a story of searching for more, growing more and more insatiable of this world's offerings and wanting more of God's love.

My story is my life. And my life is part of God's ultimate plan. He will use me in ways I would never believe. His story has a happy ending...but right now, I am living in His plot.