I Dreamed a Dream...

Have you ever had a dream? Not something in the night that wakes you from your sleep, but a dream to be something...a goal.

Have you ever felt like your dream might not go with what God has in store for you? Are you afraid to even attempt that dream because you might feel, I don't know, disowned by God?

I love musicals. I have quite a fondness of them, especially since I learned I could actually sing well. I remember then first musical I was truly enamored with was "Wicked," not only because it was a precursor to my favorite movie, "The Wizard of Oz," but because it basically rocked. There were some songs in that musical that lit a flame under me and drove a passion deep within my heart. But I never thought of actually attempting musical theater as a career...that is, until last year. Over the summer last year I began taking voice lessons. My teacher was really awesome. She inspired me to be passionate if I wanted to be...and I went head over heels for musicals. My teacher said I could even go to New York and audition for a chorus role and actually have a good chance of making it. I thought that was shocking.

So, I began pondering the options of actually being on "Broadway." It felt right. It felt like I was actually finding my niche. Then the economy collapsed, along with my mental state. I went through a rough spot last year, getting over my struggles and reconnecting with God. So I placed "Broadway" on the back burner...actually I had eliminated it from my mind. Until this summer. And all of a sudden, like getting back on a horse, I was enamored with musicals.

So what does this have to do with God?

Well, I am afraid to pursue this venture, because...well, what if it isn't meant to be in God's eyes. What if this isn't what God wants me to do with my life?

God knows what I am going to be. He knows what we all are going to be. If you need assurance of that, then read Jeremiah 29:11...probably the quintessential message of hope in Spiritual Direction and finding yourself in God's plans. So if God knows what I am going to be, then why should I attempt musical theater?

If I don't I won't get hurt. If I don't, I won't be tested. If I don't, then I won't know if it actually fit within God's plans. And if I do, and it doesn't work, then at least I know it doesn't work within God's plans...so I have hope in that fact. If I fail, God is still there to carry me and use me in ways I have yet to even think of. And if I succeed, then that places me in a place where I can cultivate my own gift from God with singing and be amongst people who are lost from His love. What a mission field that would be. And what a mission field I am already in.

God will provide. And I have to continue on my journey with Him.

I hope you look at dreams as a possibility of spreading God's word and glorifying Him. I hope you don't turn away from your dreams because of fear...that's what I have done. Fear is definitely from God. If it is meant to be, then it will end up that way. Just remain passionate about your dreams and most importantly, remain passionate and on fire for God because He will lead you to places you wouldn't think of. He is gonna use you in ways that are amazing!

Searching for a Title

To be very honest with whoever reads this blog, I am not a great equivocator (that means speaker!). I have a habit of stumbling over my words and thoughts, creating a mish-mashed concoction of words. And blogging is not my forte. I am not a person who can speak to masses, charging or challenging, or pulling great knowledge together to move people into action. I see myself as a worker bee, one who stays within the hive and makes honey, not the bees that leave the nest and get to see the world, and certainly not the Queen Bee (or King Bee in my case!).

With that said, as an introduction, I thought I would look at the title of this blog. Welcome to "The Big Blue!" I am proud of the title, especially after trying like 30 other possible, what I thought were creative titles. Other people have taken those choices, and at the risk of upsetting my pride, I will remain with "The Big Blue" as a bright spot in the creative sector of my brain. (I know there is another "Big Blue" out there...but I remain proud!)

Isn't life the same way? We search for a title to live by, only to realize that it doesn't fit, whether it physically doesn't or mentally we just don't want it to fit. Titles are hard...I still have no idea how writers, musicians, and even our politicians come up with some of the names we are familiar with today. So why do we try to fit under a title?

Our lives are each separate stories, unique to each and every one of us. God made us unique. God is unique. So why do we try to understand who we are, and ultimately who God is by condensing all that is about Him and us into a catchy title that should explain everything or intrigue a "reader" of our lives? Shouldn't the plot be the most interesting part of the story?

My life is definitely not perfect. God continues to rock my world, turning it upside down until I realize that He actually turned me right side up. My plot is writing itself out as God continues to mold me into who He wants me to be.

This blog is a glimpse of my mind, and how my imperfections, doubts, questions, praises, joys, and actions ultimately bring together a grand novel written by God. My story is a story of searching for more, growing more and more insatiable of this world's offerings and wanting more of God's love.

My story is my life. And my life is part of God's ultimate plan. He will use me in ways I would never believe. His story has a happy ending...but right now, I am living in His plot.