"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-- Marianne Wilkinson


How many times has fear controlled a decision in your life?

If you're like me, thinking about this question reveals a lot about our lives. In fact, for me, it seems as if every decision has been made out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of truth, etc., the list can go on and on and on. But here's one thing I always forget...it's not just me.

Fear is a human flaw. It is created and perpetuated by our "independence." The belief that if we get hurt, to never go in that direction, thus creating our "protective bubble," eliminates almost every thing in life that is possible. It eliminates living.

For me, it's not the fact that I fear the future, but the fact that I can be, as Wilkinson puts it, "brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous." Why not? If I want to be famous, then why can't I? If I want to be a doctor, then why can't I? If I want to be an author, why can't I? It's an interesting scenario to be placed in. To understand and believe that we can do all things, through Christ who strengthens us, scares us, because, well, how much strength do we truly possess?

Besides, who is justified to "judge" others? Think about it...can we really judge others' lives if we ourselves haven't truly lived, or we don't possess infinite knowledge? You're right...we can't judge others. Now be aware of the difference between legal justice in the form of juries and judges, and the life judgment that we encounter every day. Who is supposed to tell us what we can and cannot do? Only one...God. Not our parents, not our friends, not our lovers, not our teachers...no one but God...the others can help influence our decision...but only God can call us to our "purpose" in life.

And you know what...He already has called us. Look at the Great Commission...God calls us to "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20)

Now, I know it seems so simple...but it also is very complex. We are all ministers of truth and grace and love when we decide to let God be the center of our lives. But since we are all different parts of the body of Christ, then we are all going to be different ministers. Doctors, teachers, lawyers, garbage collectors, janitors...all can be ministers preaching the same love of God...don't ever doubt that. Don't ever feel like the only way to reach the "lost" is with the title of Pastor, Preacher, Minister, Reverend, etc...we are all disciples, followers of Christ, who have been called by God to preach and live out the love of Christ...

So, fear controls our lives...well, fear is not of God. Fear is of humanity. We created fear. The devil perpetuates fear. God destroys fear.

We have unlimited potential with Christ. We have unlimited, unique journeys with God. But we also have the same destination when we allow God to be the judge of our lives, and not the world.

With One Hand High...

To be quite honest, I am at a loss for words. A lot is going on right now, and it is both good and bad. As I begin my senior year a lot of questions are being asked, with a lot of possible answers:

--Will this be the year I fall in love? Hmm...we'll see (wink wink)

--Will I finally choose a direction for my life? This one is hard, but can also be amended during the course of my life.

--Will truth be revealed? Absolutely...though I am extremely nervous about revealing it!

--Will reconciliation be achieved? Let's hope so...it's a two way street, one that I am quickly finding out requires me to make a move as well as my enemies making a move.

--Will I finally sustain a sense of happiness? Well, instead of happiness, what about, fulfillment?


There are more questions I could pose, but it just becomes irrelevant to my situation, to every person's situation. We are all going through something similar. So what do I do? How do I answer these questions?

Well, I am reading Donald Miller's, "Searching for God Knows What," searching for new music, expressing each day's emotion through a journal, and of course, having, as my friend calls it, JAM time (JAM= Jesus and Me).

Stay tuned!

This is gonna be a good year. I can feel it...

I started my senior year of college, excited and nervous about my future after college. So much has built up to this point that I feel like I could explode. Big things are gonna happen this year. Truths will be revealed, walls will break down, and something will happen to my life that will direct it in the path it is destined to travel.

Have you ever felt this way? So excited, pumped, nervous, afraid, happy, etc., that you just can't put words behind it? Well, ironically, I am trying to put words behind these emotions as I type this post! Have you ever been more afraid of your next step, but also excited to see where it leads you? It is a really weird feeling.

I feel this conviction in my heart to break away. I feel God saying "Go." But I don't know where, and I think He wants to keep it that. God is telling me to just move. I can feel Him move...and it is weird, because I haven't felt Him move in a long time. I am certainly not refreshed, 100%, or without my stresses, but in thinking about them, I become more and more aware of the gravity placed upon my life by the simple fact that I have been saved by God. I feel this obligation to do more. To get out there. To do what I love, and to do it for the love of Christ. I really can't contain these emotions. I am so excited....

Something big is going to happen this year. More than one life will be changed. More than my life will be changed. This world will change.

I stand on the edge of a cliff, viewing a world that is both beautiful and dangerous. A world I used to call my own, that now rejects me because I never belonged. A world that is hungry and thirsty for more. I stand, afraid to fall, to jump, to be. I stand because I am held. I stand because I am saved. I stand because I am ready to stand. I am ready to jump...

Here I go....wanna join me?

I hate being ignored.

Truth be told, I love being the center of attention. The ability to measure friendship based off attention has been a skill of mine for a long time. Grant it, it is not a healthy skill.

This past week has just been one moment of being ignored after the other. As a leader in Intervarsity, as a student, as a son, as a brother, and as a friend. Sometimes I am even being ignored as a Christian. Hell, it doesn't even have to seem like I am being ignored to make me feel ignored. I take words and actions and I dissect them to the point of where "I love you," or "Wanna hang out?" become "I can't stand you, don't ever be around me."

That seems pretty messed up...I agree with you....but it also seems pretty endless.

How many times do people around me have to show they love me, care for me, or appreciate me for me to understand so?

There's a lot of "me's" in that question. Which reveals a painful truth...selfishness.

I am so consumed by myself that: A) I don't confront it because I enjoy making my friends guilty, and B) I am so blinded by myself that I refuse to see the need to love in return. It is sick, to be quite honest. And until I let it go, it will remain an evil cycle that will transcend away from school and family, into relationships and God. So what do I do?

As obvious as it sounds, letting people know about it is hard to do, especially when you become shameful of your humanness. Why should I tell them? Shouldn't they have some notion that I have a problem? Letting those whom you feel have ignored you is the best way to relational reconciliation. It makes you vulnerable to the truth, and allows God to speak truth to you. Also letting go becomes an easier option...well, that is if you allow everything to be said. For many years now I have attempted to reconcile with people who have wronged me, but I just leave the conversation with unsaid words. I am afraid to hurt them, or allow myself to be wrong. It's called pride.

Revealing humanness, in a sense is revealing weakness, but isn't that good? Aren't all humans weak? Isn't God the only One who is strong? And doesn't He love us regardless of our weakness? So why are we so consumed with being "Strong?"

hmm....I guess that's for another time...

State of the Blog

So like our presidents and many government officials present a "State of __" speech, I shall present a state of the blog speech.

For almost three months, I have taken most of my thoughts to the keyboard in hopes of expressing a realist view of my Christian faith as well as my life. What I type is honest, truth, and sincere in hopes of maybe setting the record straight for people who feel like once you give your life to God all things go right. They don't, but that is where faith and hope come into play. So take what I say as a view on life, faith, and the pursuit of happiness...or in this case, joy and purpose.

One thing I would like to address. I write these posts not in the hope that comments will be received, but I gladly enjoy reading either agreed upon views or frictional views. What you do with my posts is up to you, you may read them, write your feelings about said posts, or you can completely blow them off. Today I was surprised to find a comment on a post I had written a few weeks ago. This comment, to me was offensive and slanderous in nature. While I shall not divulge the comment, or the author, I hope to raise awareness for respect with something I truly care about. I do not tolerate belittling, bigotry, or bullying, and in no way will I be content when someone writes something that could hurt you or myself. This is a free place to express thoughts. I am a Christian, and you may be Atheist. We have differing views. We have completely different backgrounds. But we are also human. We should treat each other with respect, so as to bring together rather than isolate and categorize. I read my blog daily just to see what people have thought about my posts, and when comments are posted, I am very excited to enter into a world that searches for understanding. Please treat this as a respectable place of free speech.

In other news...as the school year descends upon my life, I will be trying to stay on top of the blog. If it becomes weeks or months between posts, please understand my time constraints. I am also going to try to be a little more controversial with my posts. I want to instigate conversation. I want to instigate interest. I hope to not push buttons, but in doing so, I hope you understand the point of this blog as a conversation.

So...until another day...maybe even tomorrow!

Being the musician at heart, I am always searching for that song that speaks to my heart. Last week it was "God is God," by Steven Curtis Chapman and how it convicted my heart to do more for God and for my life. This week is a little different, at least in the genre of music. I love Christian music, as it speaks closest to my heart, but secular music is always catching my ear and really stirring up some stuff.

"Someone to Fall Back On" by Jason Robert Brown is such a song. You may recognize the song's tune from the trailer of the movie "Bandslam." And while at first I bought the version from that movie, I am even more entranced by the original version of the song. To me, it speaks to my human heart and my spiritual heart. Here are the lyrics just so you can understand what I will discuss:

Someone To Fall Back On

I’ll never be
A knight in armor
With a sword in hand,
Or a kamikaze fighter;
Don’t count on me
To storm the barricades
And take a stand,
Or hold my ground;
You’ll never see
Any scars or wounds -
I don’t walk on coals,
I won’t walk on water:

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone’s wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

Some comedy -
You’re bruised and beaten down
And I’m the one
Who’s looking for a favor.
Still, honestly,
You don’t believe me
But the things I have
Are the things you need.
You look at me
Like I don’t make sense,
Like a waste of time,
Like it serves no purpose -

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
And if that’s what you believe you need,
You’re wrong - you don’t need much,
You need someone to fall back on...

And I’ll be that:
I’ll take your side.
If I’m the only one,
I’m used to that.
I’ve been alone,
I’d rather be
The half of us,
The least of you,
The best of me.

And I will be
Your prince,
I’ll be your saint,
I will go crashing through fences
In your name. I will, I swear -
I’ll be someone to fall back on!

I’ll be the one who waits,
And for as long as you’ll let me,
I will be the one you need.
I’ll be someone to fall back on:
Your prince,
Your saint,
The one you believe you need
I’ll be - I’ll be
Someone to fall back on.

Pretty interesting lyrics, huh? I love the chorus as it speaks to our imperfections as humans, as lovers, and as Christians.

How am I connecting this song with my spiritual heart?

Well, the fact that the first verse is about not being able to truly fight, sacrificing life is pretty much a direct parallel of my heart for God right now. I love God, and I wish I could fight for Him the way I should, but as my friend "MP" puts it, "Something holds us back. There is this mental block from letting Christ truly take over, and its selfish, but also important." I call it trust issues. So much distrust towards God is inside of my heart that I refuse to truly give Him all of me. I refuse to let my heart fight for God, rather than myself. But the chorus changes. It turns my shame of not letting God have my heart into a charge, a promise to God that I will be here for Him. So, in a sense, my heart is His, but I just don't see it.

The second verse is a little different. I see it as God saying to me that He will be there. He is no prince, and He is no saint, but rather my rock, my stability. I do see Him as a waste of time. He doesn't make sense to my heart, and I still have yet to find a purpose through Him. But He puts it clearly that He is here, providing what I truly need. I don't need a "prince" or a "saint," but a Savior. The last verse and chorus are a promise from me, that while I am not perfect, I am here for God. I am letting Him know that, as long as He needs me I will be here. But it also can be taken as God reassuring my heart, once again, that He is there for me. Whatever way you take it, I hope you see my connection.

But in truth, this post is more about my human heart, my relational heart towards my friends, my future love, and myself.

It is a call to them that I am not perfect, but I am here. I have my struggles, my bruises, my weaknesses, but I still am there for them, regardless of them ignoring me or needing me. I don't make sense at some times to them, because I am different from them.

More importantly this is a promise to my heart that I will be there for myself. When I fall, I will not back down from my shame. When I let myself down, I am still here, trying to find myself. It sounds pretty depressing, and for good measure. I treat myself like crap. I am constantly finding something wrong with myself. And while this seems negative, it is supposed to represent a change in my heart and my view of myself. I am going to try harder to get healthier, physically and mentally.

So take this as you may. I am not in any trouble. I am not in a dark place, but in a clearing in the woods. I see the light. I see the hope. I see myself.

This may seem quite sappy, but we all have our innermost feelings. This is just an outlet for mine to be released.

Listen to the song...I hope you enjoy.

Until next time...

God is God, and I am Man...

Have you ever felt like you were supposed to be bigger than you are? Not in terms of size, but in terms of significance, or purpose? I usually get this way when listening to one of two songs. The first, and no jokes please, is "Reach," by Gloria Estefan. Written in 1996 for the Atlanta Olympics, I remember seeing it performed by Estefan at the closing ceremonies, and I was in awe. During that time I really dreamed about going to the Olympic Games for gymnastics, of which I took part in and followed to a "t." That all changed when I quit the sport at 12 years of age, which I kind of regret to this day because I was good at it...but also because it represented another dream differed.

The second, of which has occurred recently, is "God is God," by Steven Curtis Chapman. I haven't really been an afficionado of Christian music, primarily because of the "cheesiness" of some of the songs and artists, but this song, from one of the pre-eminent Contemporary Christian artists of our time really caught me off guard. So far I have listened to the song over 30 times since I purchased it on Saturday. The song, ladened with amazing beats and vocals, is more riveting in its driving music and lyrics. I have never felt more convicted, yet disappointed when I listen to the song. To me, I feel so charged to get out there and be something that I just wish I could leave my bedroom right now and live on my own. I feel like when I listen to this song I could do something great with my life. I feel like I should be singing this song...no, not that I should be Steven Curtis Chapman, but that I should be singing this song about following God and charging the peoples to listen to Him. I feel like this is the song of my life...and song that combines music, lyrics, God, and dramatics to create something that, if it has changed my heart, it could change the hearts of many.

But then reality sets in, and I realize I have gotten my head trapped in the clouds. Is it shame? Is it jealousy? Is it a desire to be individually significant?

It's a combination of all three...and more. I hate that I am 21 years of age, and yet I still have nothing, in my mind, significant to show for my life. I haven't accomplished anything I feel is worthy of, well to sound selfish, fame and influence. I have a lot to offer. And I have been told I have a lot of talent in many fields (I need to say it like that because a lot of the time I feel I am not so talented, but that's another post!). Here I am, sitting in my room, and all I can do is listen to this song 1000 times, until I am so bored with it that I put it down. But I am not bored with the song. The more I listen to it, the more I am entranced by the passion, charge, emotion, and faith behind the song.

But what is God trying to say to me through this song?

I think God is telling me that it is time to get up and do something with my life. In my heart I feel Him telling me to follow my dreams, not for me, but for Him. Now before you go and refute that statement, let me explain. I feel like God is saying for me to follow my dreams because He will be glorified through it. He has prepared me with talent, heart, honesty, and faith to go out and not be afraid of the world. I have a story to tell through my life and my dreams. God is out there, as well as in my heart.

But how do I get over the "shame-shock" that hits when I hear this song, "Reach," or see others doing great things with their lives? How do I get over my life, and begin to live it? How do I get over myself, and get on board with God?

I may be small, but God is so big...and if He loves me, then that makes me pretty important to Him...and since He loves all of us, then we are pretty significant to Him.

He has great things planned for me...I am gonna be used in ways I can't even imagine. Who knows, maybe one day I will have a song that does the same to another person in the world. Who knows, but God?

p.s.-- I encourage you to listen to both songs!!