Give Me the Remote...

One of the foremost tenets of Christianity appears in the form of sacrifice. Not just tangible sacrifice, like money, but a personal sacrifice...like control.

It's something I don't like to discuss, mainly because I am still struggling with giving up control to God. But is it really something I gave up...or something I never had?

When I gave my life to Christ some 11 years ago (wow...long time!), I never understood what it truly meant to deny myself and take up the cross. It's no one's fault...not my parents, my pastor (actually, that falls under parents.), my youth minister, etc. I think God has planned a moment in everyone's lives where they begin to realize that they underestimated the meaning of letting God have it all. Usually that incurs a somewhat tricky period in one's life where they can travel down one of two roads, acceptance, or denial. It probably shouldn't be that simple, but it is in my mind.

Most of us hit denial. Let's face it, we hate letting God, or anyone here on Earth, have control over our lives. A look back through history, and one will find numerous references to people taking back control of their lives.

I guess in a way, I had to figure out what "letting God have it all" actually looked like. I have always been concerned with the how and why. I could easily understand the what, when, and where, but the how and why was so much deeper. Why should I allow God to have full control over my life? How do I allow God to have full control over my life? It has been one constant battle of understanding what control really meant...until I realized that I never really had control.

You see...God works in a strange way...at least strange to us...to Him, it is normal. He doesn't work on our time. He doesn't fit to a schedule, a year, a day...He is much larger than anything man-made or defined. And I had a hard time with that.

The past few weeks have really been a magnification of that distress. It is depressing, but at least it's honest. I have always wondered why others were seemingly on a completely different page than I was, why they seemed so much farther ahead than me in their lives. I wondered why some people were given, what seemed to be, a distinct gift, be it music, missions, compassion, writing, leading, preaching, teaching...etc, and I had yet to truly understand my "gift." Why was it that I was not moving forward? I had become stagnant, or worse, I had regressed in my faith. It got to the point where I seriously questioned my faith. I began to doubt. Myself, my friends, God...And it seemed like I continued to spiral out of control, out of anger, out of sadness. The world that God created beautiful, seemed to me like a cold, hateful, judging world that had its target set on Sam, and I was taking a beating like none other.

I viewed myself as alone...even to the point of seeing my life as permanently set on being alone. And I blamed God. God had planned a life, that at that time was not matching up to the life I assumed I would be living. I had assumed freedom, success, happiness, love, and influence. I thought that college would be the place. The place where Sam would rise up and become something great. Instead, I was diminishing into a size that was almost invisible. Why God? Why are you making me smaller? Why are you making me into something I don't want to be? I thought you were supposed to bring happiness, and hope? Why do I feel hopeless?

Yes...I felt hopeless.

It is quite the scary feeling. One that I hid well, for the most part. One that remained within the four walls of my room, or so I thought. Instead this feeling transcended into my public life. Worship was seen as a pain in the ass. Why worship a God who I am in a battle with? Attending church was based solely on who was going that day, not on the fact that it was an opportunity to grow and rest and praise God. Being Sam, no longer felt like my own. Being Sam, was no fun...at least not this person called Sam. I began to hate. I began to loathe. I hated my friends. I hated my family. I hated my classes. I hated my life. I took every ounce of anger out on the people who cared about me the most. My best friends became my biggest enemies. They were people who couldn't be trusted, and yet I needed them, no, I craved them because somehow when I was around them I felt better about myself. That is, until they began to grow, and prosper. That is until they began to progress in faith and hope...something I assumed I lacked. I remember sitting in my room one night, and just saying to God, "I can't wait to leave this place. To leave these people. They never cared about me. I just took up air." It got to the point where I began to curse their presence. I challenged their love. I challenged God's love. It God truly cared, this wouldn't be happening. If God truly cared, He would have come down already, smacked me in the face with a purpose, and I would begin living...I would begin following.

Yes, my belief in God was contingent on Him coming down on my time, doing something I wanted, and listening to me, and not vice-versa. It was a very conditional love. One that I probably would not describe as love. I would sit and pray, awaiting that moment, my burning bush, where I would realize that God loved me, and I would subsequently love God. Recently I prayed for over an hour, and afterwards I felt this release...until I tried to emulate it over and over and over again. I felt that if I kept doing the things that made me happy, that made me feel like positive change was occurring, then God and I would be ok. Wrong...

God wanted me. He didn't need me...He wanted me. Here God was, with this plan to love the people He created, to take them back from the grips of the earth and Satan, a plan that didn't need to include me, but it did. Why...because He wanted me. It's a very hard thing to understand...in fact, I am going to stop understanding, and start going....

Yes that was, and is my problem. I expected God to answer my questions. I expected answers to life. I expected a cheat sheet. I expected... You see, it took many times for me to understand the fact that God was in control. It took me many more times to realize that I wasn't in control. And it is taking me even more times to live like God is in control. It wasn't that I didn't have faith...it was that I wasn't prioritzing my faith properly. God was supposed to be number one. Not me, not my parents, not my friends, not my school, and not my purpose. God. And here He was, trying so hard to get me to realize that I was ignoring the one being who wanted me, who always wants me, who always loved me...even when He didn't have to love me. I was ignoring God. God wasn't trying to express the fact of His control. He was expressing that He loved me so much that He had included me in His grand plan. He was expressing that He loved me.

I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I was looking for control in a life that was never mine to control. And God wasn't trying to be a dictator. He was trying to be a father. He was the Father. And I was, and am His child. My love for God wasn't going to be displayed through my successes.

It was going to be displayed in my faith..in my love.

I still struggle with control issues. I still live a roller-coaster-like life, but remember, after a dip, there is a rise, and one day that ride will end on a high note.

Don't you hear God saying, "Give me the remote, I had it first!"

The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."

Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

-- John 21: 17-19


Have you ever felt like Peter? Confused, frustrated, and upset at the fact that God continues to ask if we love Him? Have you ever felt like yelling to God out of frustration, "I love You!"

Peter is an interesting character in the Bible, and in Christianity. According to some Bible historians and interpreters, Peter, the so-called, "favorite disciple," was supposed to be the one to lead the disciples after the resurrection of Jesus. Now, that is of course up to debate, but Peter is a pretty significant disciple who would follow the Great Commission by God.

In a way, and in my opinion, we as Christians are all like Peter. Sometimes we lack the faith to walk on water when God calls us to (Matthew 14:22-36). We are also asked personally by God to confess our faith in Him, and called to build the church of God (Matthew 16:13-20). But a lot of time, we deny the true identity of Christ when it really matters (Matthew 26:69-75). As much as we like to say otherwise, a lot of the time we refuse to allow God total control and dominion in our lives. We would much rather save ourselves, then allow God's love to not only save us, but the world. Which is why this passage is so important...

In John 21, we see the love and grace of God upon Peter, which is a great parallel to the love and grace of God upon us. Jesus forgives Peter by asking him if he loved Christ. And why simplistic in nature, the question is very much complex and intense. God isn't expecting us to say we love Him, but to live like we love Him. When Jesus says, "Feed my sheep," he isn't expecting us to say yes, but do yes. This means that even when it seems we lack the faith it takes to stand on water or to praise the name of Christ, God still takes what faith we have and calls us to love the world.

The transformation we encounter when we allow our hearts to follow God, not just in word, but action, is greater displayed in verse 18. We were used to controlling our lives, but the One who created us has always been in control. We are going to go where we do not want to go. We are going to be called to be risky, dangerous Christians who escape the four walls of our churches and actually build the body of Christ by loving the world that has long rejected us.

This may seem repetitive, and if there are mistakes, you can call me out on it. I don't make attempts to be the most knowledgeable Christian. But I find this passage so great in influence on my life as Christian, that I though sharing it would be a great way to blog.

Notice how Peter does not sit on his shame of denying Christ. In fact, I would assume that after the denial, Peter picked himself up and continued to try to follow Christ, hence the fact that Christ allows for a "reinstatement" to occur. Shame did not control Peter, but love moved Peter. He allowed himself to be broken, torn down by God so that God could rebuild his heart. In doing so, God called Peter to leave the ways of the world, take up the cross, and follow Christ to the ends of the Earth...the ends of the Earth. Not just Jerusalem, Samaria, or Judea, but the entire world.

Are you gonna allow God to control you?

Plea for Patience

Do you love being the center of attention? Do you love the fact that sometimes it seems like everything goes through you? I personally love it. I love being in control, being in the zone. Which is why the past year God has seemingly ripped (emphasis on ripped) the control right out of my hands. I don't like talking about because I feel like some people have heard enough of this, and to others, well you just don't know. I get tired of it too people...but I find that God has to be behind something that has been going on, unrelentingly, for the past year.

Last year was not that much fun for me. I wasn't the best person on the planet, and my friends obviously were my targets. I treated them like dirt. One of them, started an awesome ministry that reached out to middle and high schoolers. "Wow that's so amazing, so what is the problem?" you ask. Well, I was hurt because somehow I wasn't involved. It seems really shallow, vain, and conceited, I know...trust me...but in being honest I was pissed off because I wasn't thought of in the process. In fact it was hidden from me. Now, before you go on painting this image of an enemy, it's not them, it was me. Every time I heard about the ministry, and saw the amount of people who were charged up over it, I fumed in anger. It was as if God was saying to me, through this person, that I wasn't good enough, and that I would never be. That's not the way to go about these feelings, but more on that later. I haven't really gotten over it as you can tell, but it gets better.

Well recently I have been feeling like more and more people are going behind my back and doing stuff that is amazing. Like today. Today was the start of, yet another, evangelism mission that was the "brainchild" of three friends. When they discussed how they got together and prayed about it, it hit me, "Why wasn't I involved? Why is it these people, and not me? What did I do? What does this mean?" I was angry the whole time, really truly, which sucks because it is totally not something I should be angry over.

I feel more and more left out, as if my spiritual gifts are not worthy enough to be considered. And to be quite honest, I could care less about my spiritual gifts, so it should be more like, I am not worthy to be considered. What's worse is the position this places me. I love these friends. I love these people. But if I were to be honest with them, I would look selfish. And if I were to vocalize these feelings, I would be lambasted. So what better way to deal with these recurring feelings than to internalize them? WRONG!!!

See I used to think that I never gave myself credit for anything. My spiritual gifts weren't really gifts that were unique to me, because soon after their discovery, someone else, who in my opinion was better than me, would supplant me and I would be subject to being forgotten. Well, as it turns out, I actually give myself way too much credit...to the point of being conceited. I am selfish. And as odd as it sounds, a diva. If I am not involved with it, then it doesn't matter. So what to do?

Well, this year I am trying to take every thought captive. It's an odd action to do because I really am taking my thoughts of hate and lack of self worth, and turning them around into praises towards God. And as odd as it is, I need to keep doing them. I need to realize my self worth in God, not my talents. A good friend put it this way: "You are not the same as the person next to you. You are looking for a purpose in all the wrong places. If you try to be like the person next to you, then you leave behind the person God wants for you to be. You keep taking on so much in order to please yourself, God, and others, that you are ending up more angry, more depressed, and more vain than you started."

So I need to be patient with God. There is a purpose out there for me. Again, as another friend put it, "We are perfectly positioned by God to make an impact with others." So there is something out there for me. Instead of over-analyzing and second guessing myself, I need to be patient and wait. Great...I hate that...

That means that I need to place God as the controller, and not me. In fact He has already been in control.

What's next...forgiveness. I can be of no good when I try to love on others while I have a hard heart towards others. It defeats the purpose of unconditional love...and even though it seems like humans cannot love unconditionally, God does, and Jesus does...and as Christians, we are called to be like Jesus. I used to say that I would never forgive the people who wronged me. Well that meant I never forgave myself. Look where that got me.

It's time for a change. It's time for someone else to take the wheel. Here I am Lord...waiting...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-- Marianne Wilkinson


How many times has fear controlled a decision in your life?

If you're like me, thinking about this question reveals a lot about our lives. In fact, for me, it seems as if every decision has been made out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of truth, etc., the list can go on and on and on. But here's one thing I always forget...it's not just me.

Fear is a human flaw. It is created and perpetuated by our "independence." The belief that if we get hurt, to never go in that direction, thus creating our "protective bubble," eliminates almost every thing in life that is possible. It eliminates living.

For me, it's not the fact that I fear the future, but the fact that I can be, as Wilkinson puts it, "brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous." Why not? If I want to be famous, then why can't I? If I want to be a doctor, then why can't I? If I want to be an author, why can't I? It's an interesting scenario to be placed in. To understand and believe that we can do all things, through Christ who strengthens us, scares us, because, well, how much strength do we truly possess?

Besides, who is justified to "judge" others? Think about it...can we really judge others' lives if we ourselves haven't truly lived, or we don't possess infinite knowledge? You're right...we can't judge others. Now be aware of the difference between legal justice in the form of juries and judges, and the life judgment that we encounter every day. Who is supposed to tell us what we can and cannot do? Only one...God. Not our parents, not our friends, not our lovers, not our teachers...no one but God...the others can help influence our decision...but only God can call us to our "purpose" in life.

And you know what...He already has called us. Look at the Great Commission...God calls us to "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20)

Now, I know it seems so simple...but it also is very complex. We are all ministers of truth and grace and love when we decide to let God be the center of our lives. But since we are all different parts of the body of Christ, then we are all going to be different ministers. Doctors, teachers, lawyers, garbage collectors, janitors...all can be ministers preaching the same love of God...don't ever doubt that. Don't ever feel like the only way to reach the "lost" is with the title of Pastor, Preacher, Minister, Reverend, etc...we are all disciples, followers of Christ, who have been called by God to preach and live out the love of Christ...

So, fear controls our lives...well, fear is not of God. Fear is of humanity. We created fear. The devil perpetuates fear. God destroys fear.

We have unlimited potential with Christ. We have unlimited, unique journeys with God. But we also have the same destination when we allow God to be the judge of our lives, and not the world.

With One Hand High...

To be quite honest, I am at a loss for words. A lot is going on right now, and it is both good and bad. As I begin my senior year a lot of questions are being asked, with a lot of possible answers:

--Will this be the year I fall in love? Hmm...we'll see (wink wink)

--Will I finally choose a direction for my life? This one is hard, but can also be amended during the course of my life.

--Will truth be revealed? Absolutely...though I am extremely nervous about revealing it!

--Will reconciliation be achieved? Let's hope so...it's a two way street, one that I am quickly finding out requires me to make a move as well as my enemies making a move.

--Will I finally sustain a sense of happiness? Well, instead of happiness, what about, fulfillment?


There are more questions I could pose, but it just becomes irrelevant to my situation, to every person's situation. We are all going through something similar. So what do I do? How do I answer these questions?

Well, I am reading Donald Miller's, "Searching for God Knows What," searching for new music, expressing each day's emotion through a journal, and of course, having, as my friend calls it, JAM time (JAM= Jesus and Me).

Stay tuned!

This is gonna be a good year. I can feel it...

I started my senior year of college, excited and nervous about my future after college. So much has built up to this point that I feel like I could explode. Big things are gonna happen this year. Truths will be revealed, walls will break down, and something will happen to my life that will direct it in the path it is destined to travel.

Have you ever felt this way? So excited, pumped, nervous, afraid, happy, etc., that you just can't put words behind it? Well, ironically, I am trying to put words behind these emotions as I type this post! Have you ever been more afraid of your next step, but also excited to see where it leads you? It is a really weird feeling.

I feel this conviction in my heart to break away. I feel God saying "Go." But I don't know where, and I think He wants to keep it that. God is telling me to just move. I can feel Him move...and it is weird, because I haven't felt Him move in a long time. I am certainly not refreshed, 100%, or without my stresses, but in thinking about them, I become more and more aware of the gravity placed upon my life by the simple fact that I have been saved by God. I feel this obligation to do more. To get out there. To do what I love, and to do it for the love of Christ. I really can't contain these emotions. I am so excited....

Something big is going to happen this year. More than one life will be changed. More than my life will be changed. This world will change.

I stand on the edge of a cliff, viewing a world that is both beautiful and dangerous. A world I used to call my own, that now rejects me because I never belonged. A world that is hungry and thirsty for more. I stand, afraid to fall, to jump, to be. I stand because I am held. I stand because I am saved. I stand because I am ready to stand. I am ready to jump...

Here I go....wanna join me?

I hate being ignored.

Truth be told, I love being the center of attention. The ability to measure friendship based off attention has been a skill of mine for a long time. Grant it, it is not a healthy skill.

This past week has just been one moment of being ignored after the other. As a leader in Intervarsity, as a student, as a son, as a brother, and as a friend. Sometimes I am even being ignored as a Christian. Hell, it doesn't even have to seem like I am being ignored to make me feel ignored. I take words and actions and I dissect them to the point of where "I love you," or "Wanna hang out?" become "I can't stand you, don't ever be around me."

That seems pretty messed up...I agree with you....but it also seems pretty endless.

How many times do people around me have to show they love me, care for me, or appreciate me for me to understand so?

There's a lot of "me's" in that question. Which reveals a painful truth...selfishness.

I am so consumed by myself that: A) I don't confront it because I enjoy making my friends guilty, and B) I am so blinded by myself that I refuse to see the need to love in return. It is sick, to be quite honest. And until I let it go, it will remain an evil cycle that will transcend away from school and family, into relationships and God. So what do I do?

As obvious as it sounds, letting people know about it is hard to do, especially when you become shameful of your humanness. Why should I tell them? Shouldn't they have some notion that I have a problem? Letting those whom you feel have ignored you is the best way to relational reconciliation. It makes you vulnerable to the truth, and allows God to speak truth to you. Also letting go becomes an easier option...well, that is if you allow everything to be said. For many years now I have attempted to reconcile with people who have wronged me, but I just leave the conversation with unsaid words. I am afraid to hurt them, or allow myself to be wrong. It's called pride.

Revealing humanness, in a sense is revealing weakness, but isn't that good? Aren't all humans weak? Isn't God the only One who is strong? And doesn't He love us regardless of our weakness? So why are we so consumed with being "Strong?"

hmm....I guess that's for another time...