It's all about the bracelet...

Wow...it has been a long time. Apologies...this time of year always seems to be so much busier than other times. Not only that, but it seems to fly by like it never happened!

My favorite book is "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. In fact, anything he writes, I basically own and have read. He's a great author. But some people have gotten mad at me for making it my "go-to" favorite book.

"Why isn't the Bible your favorite book?"

Hmm...sounds pretty intense, right?

I don't get it. Why do Christians focus so much on the menial things? In fact, the history behind making the Bible someone's favorite book lies within the social websites like Facebook and Myspace. The only reasons why someone would put the Bible as their favorite book are: They want the whole world to know they are a Christian, or it was cool for them to do so. And that pisses me off. Don't diminish my faith just because I don't fit into your definition of what a Christian should be like.

I get really pumped up when I address this issue...

Christians today are so focused on fixing the problem. Yet we look past the problem. Some of us live as if Christianity is a trend, a fad that requires us to wear the WWJD bracelets, a Christian t-shirt, listen to Christian music exclusively, and avoid the "bad of the world," like movies above PG or Halloween because it is the "Devil's Day." Some of us live as if we have to rid the world of the bad. Well-intentioned, but they are missing the target that is right in front of them.

Think about it. Christians focus so much of their lives expending energy on "causes" that are against Christianity. We "hate" abortion and all who believe in it, yet we look past the fact that someone just made the hardest decision of their lives, and they need someone to love on them. We ostracize the homosexuals because they are "contagious," "carriers of AIDS," "Lepers of today," yet we refuse to look at them as children of God who need to be loved. We allow ourselves to get caught up in controlling what's on t.v. for our children, all while we refuse to open our eyes to the fact that 3/4 of the world really can't afford clothes and food, let alone a t.v..

At some point, I begin to laugh...and then I start to cry.

It's sad really. We wear these WWJD bracelets to let the world know that we believe in God, but really truly, "What would Jesus do?" Would He wear a bracelet, and say that's enough? Would protest the Democratic presidential nominee because his name sounds Middle-Eastern? Would He even be involved in politics, something that seems so man-made? Would He use all of His energy to fight the non-believers?

Or would He use it to love them....

We are just like the pharisees. We have gotten so caught up in restoring the law, fulfilling the law, and making sure the "infidels" are defeated, that we forget that Christ already fulfilled the law. We also forget the most important commandment of them all. "Love your neighbor."

It all seems so passive-aggressive. And while I am a passive-aggressive, I struggle with the need to be more assertive in my faith. It's true, you can't just say, "Oh, I love the world, therefore, I having nothing else to do." It's not about you. Once you accepted Christ, you put yourself last. And I struggle with that. It's hard not to focus on our lives, and what's affecting them. It's hard to focus on the world, and why it is so broken, when our own brokenness seems to blind our eyes. I am so lazy in my faith. I am so intent on letting other Christians know what they are doing wrong (perfect example is this post), that I forget that there is a world that God created, and a people that God loved, who are hurting.

I wish could just up and leave. I wish I could just forget who's in office, what's on t.v., what music I'm listening to, and what book is my favorite. I wish that didn't matter. And it doesn't...to God. But for some reason, we have lost sight of the importance of our faith, and the love behind it. For some reason, we have turned away...

"For God so loved the WORLD, that He gave His only be-gotten son. That WHOSOEVER believes in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life."

Wow...it has been quite some time since my last post. Sorry about that...so much is going on in my life that I barely have enough time to get a good night's sleep. Ahh the life of a college senior!

But aside from academia and social activities, I have really hit a point in my walk with Christ that seems to be critical to my future. I am having to ask myself, and eventually answer, some very hard questions. My faith is being tested...well, it's being questioned. But the culprit is not this world, nor my friends, family, or even God. It's me...

I am gonna sound like a broken record. But in a sense, aren't we all broken records? Aren't we all yearning for the same things over and over? When does it hit us that we have been satisfied? Hmm...for another time!

Some people ask me why I post such deep thoughts publicly, fearing that my dirty laundry will be sprawled out and I would be under the microscope. Well, I want to. I want to end rumors and reveal truth about my life, and about what a real Christian looks like. Not saying that my friends and family aren't real Christians. I know they are...hence why God placed them in my life. But a lot of the time we tend to hide behind a veil of secrecy, or of ambiguity, or timidity. It was hard for me, as a young Christian, to understand that when I gave my life to Christ, I was actually making a "life" commitment. Change wasn't going to happen instantly. I wasn't going to be molded into the man God wants me to be in a day. And trust me, I have struggled with this for a long time.

To be quite honest with you, I look at myself as being a "bad" Christian. I don't allow time with God as much as I should, and don't place me first in your references for Bible knowledge. I really could care less about that. But that doesn't mean I don't yearn for Christ. It seems like everyday I want to pray, and rarely pray to God about Him being revealed to me. I want God. I want to feel Him and hear Him and love Him. But that's all very conditional. Its all very temporal. It's all about me...not Him. Which adds to why last week was a point in my life where God was basically hitting me over the head with a rock about my relationship with Him.

I will start with last Sunday. I woke up following an awesome Halloween...yes I celebrate it, get over it. I wasn't pumped that it was Sunday. Usually that incurs a decision that must be made. Do I go to church, or do I not? I usually go to church because others are going, and since I didn't know of anyone going to church that day, I had all but made up my mind not to go to church. But I did. I ended up getting ready and driving 15 minutes to the church I had been going to for about a month, and I went to church. I wasn't expecting much. In fact I was expecting to be alone amongst the congregation. To me church was a social event, not a Christ intervention.
So I sat amongst the congregation, not expecting much, but receiving a lot.

Isn't it weird how God moves when we expect nothing? Isn't weird how God uses others to really get the point across about our individual relationship with Him?

As the pastor rose to speak, he mentioned that he was about to step out of the norm for him. Reciting how he felt naked and vulnerable, my ears perked up. And it happened. God spoke. Through the pastor I could sense the urgency, the plea, the desire, and the love behind the message that God was telling me. As the pastor spoke of how he kept following God, and using his gifts to glorify God, he mentioned that he still felt detached from Him. He still felt lost. He still felt alone. It was such a parallel to my life, that I was just silent the entire time. My eyes were glued to my pastor, waiting for the next word. How could this be? How could my pastor be going through the same thing I was going through? How could someone who I perceived as far more mature in his spiritual walk be going through something similar to my life? Was this God? Was He really speaking to me through this man? Yes.

"Isn't it weird, awe-inspiring that God can use the gifts bestowed upon someone, yet in the same breath can destroy that gift at any point in time? Isn't it powerful to realize the control God has? Isn't it frightening to realize our temporary lives? But isn't it beautiful that God loves us still? Isn't it beautiful that He has control, and not us? He hasn't let go. He hasn't dropped you for the latest trend, the latest search for perfection."

"Here I was using my God-given gift, following the call of God to spread the good news, yet the same message I would preach on Sundays, I would hide from in my own life? I was detached from Christ. I was alone. Why? How?"

The above quotes are summaries of the message given by my pastor. And all I could do on my return to campus was reflect. I didn't know what to do. And so I forgot it...

Then Thursday happened. Thursday I traveled to Winston-Salem to celebrate a large group with Salem College's Intervarsity Chapter. It was awesome...until the message. Again I was challenged by God to look at my life. To look at why I was afraid to let Him have it all. As the message continued, it spoke of our fear, pride, and pausing from accepting the call of God. And the room got very hot. I was sweating. And again I sat silently, in anticipation for the next word. But again, I didn't act. Again I sat cold as stone. Again I returned in silence and reflection, and not proactivity.

So that is where I am at right now. I am detached from Christ. But even though I feel like He has given up, He hasn't. And I just want to have this breakdown. I just want to let go of all responsibility. Forget the world for just one minute. Forget the constant judgement. I just want to let go...

Hopefully God will catch me...

I love God...I do. But what's it going to take for me to LOVE God? When is this mental block going to give way? Why am I stuck...

I keep feeling like I am being told to go. I keep feeling like God is really, intently, and urgently crying out to me to let go of this world...

to let go of friends...

to let go of future...

to let go of past

to let go of me...

Hmm...until next time!

Give Me the Remote...

One of the foremost tenets of Christianity appears in the form of sacrifice. Not just tangible sacrifice, like money, but a personal sacrifice...like control.

It's something I don't like to discuss, mainly because I am still struggling with giving up control to God. But is it really something I gave up...or something I never had?

When I gave my life to Christ some 11 years ago (wow...long time!), I never understood what it truly meant to deny myself and take up the cross. It's no one's fault...not my parents, my pastor (actually, that falls under parents.), my youth minister, etc. I think God has planned a moment in everyone's lives where they begin to realize that they underestimated the meaning of letting God have it all. Usually that incurs a somewhat tricky period in one's life where they can travel down one of two roads, acceptance, or denial. It probably shouldn't be that simple, but it is in my mind.

Most of us hit denial. Let's face it, we hate letting God, or anyone here on Earth, have control over our lives. A look back through history, and one will find numerous references to people taking back control of their lives.

I guess in a way, I had to figure out what "letting God have it all" actually looked like. I have always been concerned with the how and why. I could easily understand the what, when, and where, but the how and why was so much deeper. Why should I allow God to have full control over my life? How do I allow God to have full control over my life? It has been one constant battle of understanding what control really meant...until I realized that I never really had control.

You see...God works in a strange way...at least strange to us...to Him, it is normal. He doesn't work on our time. He doesn't fit to a schedule, a year, a day...He is much larger than anything man-made or defined. And I had a hard time with that.

The past few weeks have really been a magnification of that distress. It is depressing, but at least it's honest. I have always wondered why others were seemingly on a completely different page than I was, why they seemed so much farther ahead than me in their lives. I wondered why some people were given, what seemed to be, a distinct gift, be it music, missions, compassion, writing, leading, preaching, teaching...etc, and I had yet to truly understand my "gift." Why was it that I was not moving forward? I had become stagnant, or worse, I had regressed in my faith. It got to the point where I seriously questioned my faith. I began to doubt. Myself, my friends, God...And it seemed like I continued to spiral out of control, out of anger, out of sadness. The world that God created beautiful, seemed to me like a cold, hateful, judging world that had its target set on Sam, and I was taking a beating like none other.

I viewed myself as alone...even to the point of seeing my life as permanently set on being alone. And I blamed God. God had planned a life, that at that time was not matching up to the life I assumed I would be living. I had assumed freedom, success, happiness, love, and influence. I thought that college would be the place. The place where Sam would rise up and become something great. Instead, I was diminishing into a size that was almost invisible. Why God? Why are you making me smaller? Why are you making me into something I don't want to be? I thought you were supposed to bring happiness, and hope? Why do I feel hopeless?

Yes...I felt hopeless.

It is quite the scary feeling. One that I hid well, for the most part. One that remained within the four walls of my room, or so I thought. Instead this feeling transcended into my public life. Worship was seen as a pain in the ass. Why worship a God who I am in a battle with? Attending church was based solely on who was going that day, not on the fact that it was an opportunity to grow and rest and praise God. Being Sam, no longer felt like my own. Being Sam, was no fun...at least not this person called Sam. I began to hate. I began to loathe. I hated my friends. I hated my family. I hated my classes. I hated my life. I took every ounce of anger out on the people who cared about me the most. My best friends became my biggest enemies. They were people who couldn't be trusted, and yet I needed them, no, I craved them because somehow when I was around them I felt better about myself. That is, until they began to grow, and prosper. That is until they began to progress in faith and hope...something I assumed I lacked. I remember sitting in my room one night, and just saying to God, "I can't wait to leave this place. To leave these people. They never cared about me. I just took up air." It got to the point where I began to curse their presence. I challenged their love. I challenged God's love. It God truly cared, this wouldn't be happening. If God truly cared, He would have come down already, smacked me in the face with a purpose, and I would begin living...I would begin following.

Yes, my belief in God was contingent on Him coming down on my time, doing something I wanted, and listening to me, and not vice-versa. It was a very conditional love. One that I probably would not describe as love. I would sit and pray, awaiting that moment, my burning bush, where I would realize that God loved me, and I would subsequently love God. Recently I prayed for over an hour, and afterwards I felt this release...until I tried to emulate it over and over and over again. I felt that if I kept doing the things that made me happy, that made me feel like positive change was occurring, then God and I would be ok. Wrong...

God wanted me. He didn't need me...He wanted me. Here God was, with this plan to love the people He created, to take them back from the grips of the earth and Satan, a plan that didn't need to include me, but it did. Why...because He wanted me. It's a very hard thing to understand...in fact, I am going to stop understanding, and start going....

Yes that was, and is my problem. I expected God to answer my questions. I expected answers to life. I expected a cheat sheet. I expected... You see, it took many times for me to understand the fact that God was in control. It took me many more times to realize that I wasn't in control. And it is taking me even more times to live like God is in control. It wasn't that I didn't have faith...it was that I wasn't prioritzing my faith properly. God was supposed to be number one. Not me, not my parents, not my friends, not my school, and not my purpose. God. And here He was, trying so hard to get me to realize that I was ignoring the one being who wanted me, who always wants me, who always loved me...even when He didn't have to love me. I was ignoring God. God wasn't trying to express the fact of His control. He was expressing that He loved me so much that He had included me in His grand plan. He was expressing that He loved me.

I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I was looking for control in a life that was never mine to control. And God wasn't trying to be a dictator. He was trying to be a father. He was the Father. And I was, and am His child. My love for God wasn't going to be displayed through my successes.

It was going to be displayed in my faith..in my love.

I still struggle with control issues. I still live a roller-coaster-like life, but remember, after a dip, there is a rise, and one day that ride will end on a high note.

Don't you hear God saying, "Give me the remote, I had it first!"

The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."

Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

-- John 21: 17-19


Have you ever felt like Peter? Confused, frustrated, and upset at the fact that God continues to ask if we love Him? Have you ever felt like yelling to God out of frustration, "I love You!"

Peter is an interesting character in the Bible, and in Christianity. According to some Bible historians and interpreters, Peter, the so-called, "favorite disciple," was supposed to be the one to lead the disciples after the resurrection of Jesus. Now, that is of course up to debate, but Peter is a pretty significant disciple who would follow the Great Commission by God.

In a way, and in my opinion, we as Christians are all like Peter. Sometimes we lack the faith to walk on water when God calls us to (Matthew 14:22-36). We are also asked personally by God to confess our faith in Him, and called to build the church of God (Matthew 16:13-20). But a lot of time, we deny the true identity of Christ when it really matters (Matthew 26:69-75). As much as we like to say otherwise, a lot of the time we refuse to allow God total control and dominion in our lives. We would much rather save ourselves, then allow God's love to not only save us, but the world. Which is why this passage is so important...

In John 21, we see the love and grace of God upon Peter, which is a great parallel to the love and grace of God upon us. Jesus forgives Peter by asking him if he loved Christ. And why simplistic in nature, the question is very much complex and intense. God isn't expecting us to say we love Him, but to live like we love Him. When Jesus says, "Feed my sheep," he isn't expecting us to say yes, but do yes. This means that even when it seems we lack the faith it takes to stand on water or to praise the name of Christ, God still takes what faith we have and calls us to love the world.

The transformation we encounter when we allow our hearts to follow God, not just in word, but action, is greater displayed in verse 18. We were used to controlling our lives, but the One who created us has always been in control. We are going to go where we do not want to go. We are going to be called to be risky, dangerous Christians who escape the four walls of our churches and actually build the body of Christ by loving the world that has long rejected us.

This may seem repetitive, and if there are mistakes, you can call me out on it. I don't make attempts to be the most knowledgeable Christian. But I find this passage so great in influence on my life as Christian, that I though sharing it would be a great way to blog.

Notice how Peter does not sit on his shame of denying Christ. In fact, I would assume that after the denial, Peter picked himself up and continued to try to follow Christ, hence the fact that Christ allows for a "reinstatement" to occur. Shame did not control Peter, but love moved Peter. He allowed himself to be broken, torn down by God so that God could rebuild his heart. In doing so, God called Peter to leave the ways of the world, take up the cross, and follow Christ to the ends of the Earth...the ends of the Earth. Not just Jerusalem, Samaria, or Judea, but the entire world.

Are you gonna allow God to control you?

Plea for Patience

Do you love being the center of attention? Do you love the fact that sometimes it seems like everything goes through you? I personally love it. I love being in control, being in the zone. Which is why the past year God has seemingly ripped (emphasis on ripped) the control right out of my hands. I don't like talking about because I feel like some people have heard enough of this, and to others, well you just don't know. I get tired of it too people...but I find that God has to be behind something that has been going on, unrelentingly, for the past year.

Last year was not that much fun for me. I wasn't the best person on the planet, and my friends obviously were my targets. I treated them like dirt. One of them, started an awesome ministry that reached out to middle and high schoolers. "Wow that's so amazing, so what is the problem?" you ask. Well, I was hurt because somehow I wasn't involved. It seems really shallow, vain, and conceited, I know...trust me...but in being honest I was pissed off because I wasn't thought of in the process. In fact it was hidden from me. Now, before you go on painting this image of an enemy, it's not them, it was me. Every time I heard about the ministry, and saw the amount of people who were charged up over it, I fumed in anger. It was as if God was saying to me, through this person, that I wasn't good enough, and that I would never be. That's not the way to go about these feelings, but more on that later. I haven't really gotten over it as you can tell, but it gets better.

Well recently I have been feeling like more and more people are going behind my back and doing stuff that is amazing. Like today. Today was the start of, yet another, evangelism mission that was the "brainchild" of three friends. When they discussed how they got together and prayed about it, it hit me, "Why wasn't I involved? Why is it these people, and not me? What did I do? What does this mean?" I was angry the whole time, really truly, which sucks because it is totally not something I should be angry over.

I feel more and more left out, as if my spiritual gifts are not worthy enough to be considered. And to be quite honest, I could care less about my spiritual gifts, so it should be more like, I am not worthy to be considered. What's worse is the position this places me. I love these friends. I love these people. But if I were to be honest with them, I would look selfish. And if I were to vocalize these feelings, I would be lambasted. So what better way to deal with these recurring feelings than to internalize them? WRONG!!!

See I used to think that I never gave myself credit for anything. My spiritual gifts weren't really gifts that were unique to me, because soon after their discovery, someone else, who in my opinion was better than me, would supplant me and I would be subject to being forgotten. Well, as it turns out, I actually give myself way too much credit...to the point of being conceited. I am selfish. And as odd as it sounds, a diva. If I am not involved with it, then it doesn't matter. So what to do?

Well, this year I am trying to take every thought captive. It's an odd action to do because I really am taking my thoughts of hate and lack of self worth, and turning them around into praises towards God. And as odd as it is, I need to keep doing them. I need to realize my self worth in God, not my talents. A good friend put it this way: "You are not the same as the person next to you. You are looking for a purpose in all the wrong places. If you try to be like the person next to you, then you leave behind the person God wants for you to be. You keep taking on so much in order to please yourself, God, and others, that you are ending up more angry, more depressed, and more vain than you started."

So I need to be patient with God. There is a purpose out there for me. Again, as another friend put it, "We are perfectly positioned by God to make an impact with others." So there is something out there for me. Instead of over-analyzing and second guessing myself, I need to be patient and wait. Great...I hate that...

That means that I need to place God as the controller, and not me. In fact He has already been in control.

What's next...forgiveness. I can be of no good when I try to love on others while I have a hard heart towards others. It defeats the purpose of unconditional love...and even though it seems like humans cannot love unconditionally, God does, and Jesus does...and as Christians, we are called to be like Jesus. I used to say that I would never forgive the people who wronged me. Well that meant I never forgave myself. Look where that got me.

It's time for a change. It's time for someone else to take the wheel. Here I am Lord...waiting...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-- Marianne Wilkinson


How many times has fear controlled a decision in your life?

If you're like me, thinking about this question reveals a lot about our lives. In fact, for me, it seems as if every decision has been made out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of truth, etc., the list can go on and on and on. But here's one thing I always forget...it's not just me.

Fear is a human flaw. It is created and perpetuated by our "independence." The belief that if we get hurt, to never go in that direction, thus creating our "protective bubble," eliminates almost every thing in life that is possible. It eliminates living.

For me, it's not the fact that I fear the future, but the fact that I can be, as Wilkinson puts it, "brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous." Why not? If I want to be famous, then why can't I? If I want to be a doctor, then why can't I? If I want to be an author, why can't I? It's an interesting scenario to be placed in. To understand and believe that we can do all things, through Christ who strengthens us, scares us, because, well, how much strength do we truly possess?

Besides, who is justified to "judge" others? Think about it...can we really judge others' lives if we ourselves haven't truly lived, or we don't possess infinite knowledge? You're right...we can't judge others. Now be aware of the difference between legal justice in the form of juries and judges, and the life judgment that we encounter every day. Who is supposed to tell us what we can and cannot do? Only one...God. Not our parents, not our friends, not our lovers, not our teachers...no one but God...the others can help influence our decision...but only God can call us to our "purpose" in life.

And you know what...He already has called us. Look at the Great Commission...God calls us to "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20)

Now, I know it seems so simple...but it also is very complex. We are all ministers of truth and grace and love when we decide to let God be the center of our lives. But since we are all different parts of the body of Christ, then we are all going to be different ministers. Doctors, teachers, lawyers, garbage collectors, janitors...all can be ministers preaching the same love of God...don't ever doubt that. Don't ever feel like the only way to reach the "lost" is with the title of Pastor, Preacher, Minister, Reverend, etc...we are all disciples, followers of Christ, who have been called by God to preach and live out the love of Christ...

So, fear controls our lives...well, fear is not of God. Fear is of humanity. We created fear. The devil perpetuates fear. God destroys fear.

We have unlimited potential with Christ. We have unlimited, unique journeys with God. But we also have the same destination when we allow God to be the judge of our lives, and not the world.

With One Hand High...

To be quite honest, I am at a loss for words. A lot is going on right now, and it is both good and bad. As I begin my senior year a lot of questions are being asked, with a lot of possible answers:

--Will this be the year I fall in love? Hmm...we'll see (wink wink)

--Will I finally choose a direction for my life? This one is hard, but can also be amended during the course of my life.

--Will truth be revealed? Absolutely...though I am extremely nervous about revealing it!

--Will reconciliation be achieved? Let's hope so...it's a two way street, one that I am quickly finding out requires me to make a move as well as my enemies making a move.

--Will I finally sustain a sense of happiness? Well, instead of happiness, what about, fulfillment?


There are more questions I could pose, but it just becomes irrelevant to my situation, to every person's situation. We are all going through something similar. So what do I do? How do I answer these questions?

Well, I am reading Donald Miller's, "Searching for God Knows What," searching for new music, expressing each day's emotion through a journal, and of course, having, as my friend calls it, JAM time (JAM= Jesus and Me).

Stay tuned!