You Can Raise the Dead?!?

Wow it has been some time...too much time...but like I always say, a lot has gone on since my last post.

For one thing...I graduated from college...minor accomplishment with major implications for my life. Graduation opens the door to the rest of my life, well maybe not solely, but I now have to be a real adult. That is pretty scary.

For another thing...God seems to be really showing up right now, which is a prayer answered.

I just got back from Rockbridge, Intervarsity's Blue Ridge Region retreat from awesomeness. I always seem to go into it so expectant of massive transformation, and leave far more changed than I thought I would be. In fact, that is a running theme...I expect God to move and I expect God to change me, but my expectations are so conditional. I expect change to come in some capacity, that is arguably much smaller than what God can do...much like a scripture from this past week.

John 11:1-44 is the story of Lazarus...I hate calling it a story, but for right now it will suffice. Here we see Jesus, deeply saddened by the illness and subsequent death of his friend Lazarus, brother to Mary and Martha, raise Lazarus from the dead. I am not going to summarize the story much more because if you are interested, you should pick up the Bible and read it! But, one thing caught me off guard. This past week, one of the staff workers in the People of the Word track, my track, provided a brief bit of background about this miracle. Up until then, Jesus' power was thought to end at death. This meant that all of His power couldn't raise the dead. Well, we know how that theory worked out.

But the importance of this is in its parallels with my life, and what I assume is in many Christians' lives. We only expect God to do only so much. We put God's love in a box that can only do this and only do that...but when God really shows up, which is always when you allow Him to show up, that love goes above and beyond. We are just like the Jews in the story of Lazarus. If only Jesus could have been here, we say, then all of this would be ok. If only...well you know what, He has been here. And yet all we can seem to do is pull a Mary and Martha and sulk our way into a straw faith. We are so angry with God for not showing up in our lives, for not being there when we needed Him, that when He does show up, we are bitter and yearn for His attention. We want God to know we are angry at Him. We want Him to know how much He has supposedly let us down.

Wow...pretty conditional right?

First off...God doesn't always have to show up as a burning bush, or on this day of Pentecost, flaming tongues. In fact one of the most amazing appearances of God before Man is Elisha and the whisper. Elisha expected God to come in an earthquake, then a fire, and then a great wind...sound familiar? We look at God and expect Him to speak and move in one way, then when that doesn't work, we continue to expect Him to come in another way...it is pretty cyclical...until we learn to trust Him, and well, shut up. God is going to move...He is moving...

So Lazarus is raised from the dead, and most of the people present are struck with awe and belief. But to end this post, if you read the scripture, you see that some go to the Pharisees, who eventually use this information to plot Jesus' death. So what are you going to do when God shows up?

What have you been doing?

Holy Cow it has been a long time since my last post. I would love to explain why it has been such a long time, but that would just be an excuse, of which usually doesn't matter in this instance.

But something has been really bugging me the last few weeks.

Prayer.

Yep I said it...go ahead and criticize me, but listen to what I have to say.

It's not that prayer is bugging me. It's just that a lot of people around me are only praying. And that to me is just not how this walk should be.

Our journeys with Christ are built on prayer, but it is not only prayer. So why do we pray for things, and then wash our hands clean of it? Why do we pray without intention?

Why do we pray for change, yet not allow God to use us and move us into action for change?

The world is hurting and yet all we can do is pray that God moves. Well, I don't think it is that farfetched to say that God is moving in us, urging us to be that change. Is that a dumb idea?

If all we do is pray to God, and not allow us to be His instruments for change, then that shows that our hearts were not in it in the first place. It shows that we were cautious to allow God to use us to show His love.

We have a campus to love upon, and yet we look at the world instead. We have a nation and a world to love, yet we spend all of our time praying for that love to show up.

HELLO! Is anyone there? That love has shown up. It shows up in our lives, and in our faith, and in our prayers. Why do we keep waiting for God to move, and just let Him move in us?

I'll leave you with that for now...until next time!

I wrote a post a while ago proclaiming my dislike of being a trendy Christian. In my opinion, a trendy Christian, or one who raises their hands during worship just to be seen or who wears the WWJD bracelets just to fit in, is something that is becoming a serious issue. I don't know, maybe I am just turned off by what I perceive to be spiritual fanaticism. I was raised to love God and love Him in my way...I guess I never understood that others can worship in a different way.

I have realized that focus too much of my disdain of my faith on others. What does that matter? I recall a certain scripture about removing the plank from my eye before I remove a speck from another person's eye. I waste so much of my time concerned with being seen...and therefore, I fit my definition of the one thing I don't want to be. I don't want to shout freedom and revolution, and yet, I refuse to act in freedom and revolution in Christ. I don't want to look like a crazy Christian fanatic...yet I refuse to even act like a Christian sometimes.

Where is the happy medium?

Hmm...I look at others and I see passion. I look at others and I see fanaticism. But I don't look at myself. My priorities are severely screwed up. If I am a Christian, I should live like a Christian. And if I recall correctly, that doesn't necessarily mean that I should raise my hands towards heaven, as some would say, when a Christian song comes on the radio. It doesn't require me to recite scripture at the drop of a hat, nor to place it for all to see on my facebook page.

But what I've failed to miss is that I don't have to, but I can. Me. That's where this is going. I chose to follow God. I love God. I would do anything for God, even allow Him to turn me upside down so I can actually be right-side-up. So why don't I act like it? Why do I concern myself with others...what does that matter in this individual relationship with Christ. He is the judge...not me...hmm...

Today's Highs and Lows are...

Happy belated new year everyone!

Sorry for the time lapse...I was in St. Louis for Intervarsity's Global Missions Conference, Urbana. It was probably one of the best, if not the best, experiences in my life. I was both exhausted and excited about what God was doing in my heart and the hearts of the 18,000 other college students from 100 countries of the world and all 50 states. So, now that I have had some time to relax I hope to make this a much more frequent blog.

So I was gonna talk about God's call in one's life. I had it all in my head and I was ready to just write it all out. But I think that is gonna have to go on the back burner for right now. I think I am going to talk about something I am going through at this very moment.

I wish everyday was Urbana. I wish my time was spent hanging out with all 18,000 students just worshiping the Lord and learning how to serve Him. But if everyday were like that then that would diminish the purpose of the conference, and His word.

Spiritual highs and lows are something that comes naturally. Sometimes way too naturally. How do we cope? How do we continue? How do we live like we did when we were spiritually high?

To be honest, I don't have those answers. I have begun journaling my thoughts and struggles with the return to normalcy in hopes of finding some solace. I also have begun spending more time with God in prayer in hopes of maintaining a healthy relationship with Him. At Urbana, I learned a type of prayer that really helps me out with this issue. I pray to God in phrases or questions, and then sit in silence for a little bit, allowing Him to speak to me, whether it be a whisper or burning bush. I journal those prayers as well.

I am hoping to continue this process, updating it here for you to see. But also I am going to be discussing some changes in my life as a result of Urbana, and God's call. You may be surprised to find that some of my "dreams" have diminished, while others have flourished. Life is never settled. It is always changing. My path continues to mature and transform into something that is worthwhile. We'll see where it leads me...

It's all about the bracelet...

Wow...it has been a long time. Apologies...this time of year always seems to be so much busier than other times. Not only that, but it seems to fly by like it never happened!

My favorite book is "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. In fact, anything he writes, I basically own and have read. He's a great author. But some people have gotten mad at me for making it my "go-to" favorite book.

"Why isn't the Bible your favorite book?"

Hmm...sounds pretty intense, right?

I don't get it. Why do Christians focus so much on the menial things? In fact, the history behind making the Bible someone's favorite book lies within the social websites like Facebook and Myspace. The only reasons why someone would put the Bible as their favorite book are: They want the whole world to know they are a Christian, or it was cool for them to do so. And that pisses me off. Don't diminish my faith just because I don't fit into your definition of what a Christian should be like.

I get really pumped up when I address this issue...

Christians today are so focused on fixing the problem. Yet we look past the problem. Some of us live as if Christianity is a trend, a fad that requires us to wear the WWJD bracelets, a Christian t-shirt, listen to Christian music exclusively, and avoid the "bad of the world," like movies above PG or Halloween because it is the "Devil's Day." Some of us live as if we have to rid the world of the bad. Well-intentioned, but they are missing the target that is right in front of them.

Think about it. Christians focus so much of their lives expending energy on "causes" that are against Christianity. We "hate" abortion and all who believe in it, yet we look past the fact that someone just made the hardest decision of their lives, and they need someone to love on them. We ostracize the homosexuals because they are "contagious," "carriers of AIDS," "Lepers of today," yet we refuse to look at them as children of God who need to be loved. We allow ourselves to get caught up in controlling what's on t.v. for our children, all while we refuse to open our eyes to the fact that 3/4 of the world really can't afford clothes and food, let alone a t.v..

At some point, I begin to laugh...and then I start to cry.

It's sad really. We wear these WWJD bracelets to let the world know that we believe in God, but really truly, "What would Jesus do?" Would He wear a bracelet, and say that's enough? Would protest the Democratic presidential nominee because his name sounds Middle-Eastern? Would He even be involved in politics, something that seems so man-made? Would He use all of His energy to fight the non-believers?

Or would He use it to love them....

We are just like the pharisees. We have gotten so caught up in restoring the law, fulfilling the law, and making sure the "infidels" are defeated, that we forget that Christ already fulfilled the law. We also forget the most important commandment of them all. "Love your neighbor."

It all seems so passive-aggressive. And while I am a passive-aggressive, I struggle with the need to be more assertive in my faith. It's true, you can't just say, "Oh, I love the world, therefore, I having nothing else to do." It's not about you. Once you accepted Christ, you put yourself last. And I struggle with that. It's hard not to focus on our lives, and what's affecting them. It's hard to focus on the world, and why it is so broken, when our own brokenness seems to blind our eyes. I am so lazy in my faith. I am so intent on letting other Christians know what they are doing wrong (perfect example is this post), that I forget that there is a world that God created, and a people that God loved, who are hurting.

I wish could just up and leave. I wish I could just forget who's in office, what's on t.v., what music I'm listening to, and what book is my favorite. I wish that didn't matter. And it doesn't...to God. But for some reason, we have lost sight of the importance of our faith, and the love behind it. For some reason, we have turned away...

"For God so loved the WORLD, that He gave His only be-gotten son. That WHOSOEVER believes in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life."

Wow...it has been quite some time since my last post. Sorry about that...so much is going on in my life that I barely have enough time to get a good night's sleep. Ahh the life of a college senior!

But aside from academia and social activities, I have really hit a point in my walk with Christ that seems to be critical to my future. I am having to ask myself, and eventually answer, some very hard questions. My faith is being tested...well, it's being questioned. But the culprit is not this world, nor my friends, family, or even God. It's me...

I am gonna sound like a broken record. But in a sense, aren't we all broken records? Aren't we all yearning for the same things over and over? When does it hit us that we have been satisfied? Hmm...for another time!

Some people ask me why I post such deep thoughts publicly, fearing that my dirty laundry will be sprawled out and I would be under the microscope. Well, I want to. I want to end rumors and reveal truth about my life, and about what a real Christian looks like. Not saying that my friends and family aren't real Christians. I know they are...hence why God placed them in my life. But a lot of the time we tend to hide behind a veil of secrecy, or of ambiguity, or timidity. It was hard for me, as a young Christian, to understand that when I gave my life to Christ, I was actually making a "life" commitment. Change wasn't going to happen instantly. I wasn't going to be molded into the man God wants me to be in a day. And trust me, I have struggled with this for a long time.

To be quite honest with you, I look at myself as being a "bad" Christian. I don't allow time with God as much as I should, and don't place me first in your references for Bible knowledge. I really could care less about that. But that doesn't mean I don't yearn for Christ. It seems like everyday I want to pray, and rarely pray to God about Him being revealed to me. I want God. I want to feel Him and hear Him and love Him. But that's all very conditional. Its all very temporal. It's all about me...not Him. Which adds to why last week was a point in my life where God was basically hitting me over the head with a rock about my relationship with Him.

I will start with last Sunday. I woke up following an awesome Halloween...yes I celebrate it, get over it. I wasn't pumped that it was Sunday. Usually that incurs a decision that must be made. Do I go to church, or do I not? I usually go to church because others are going, and since I didn't know of anyone going to church that day, I had all but made up my mind not to go to church. But I did. I ended up getting ready and driving 15 minutes to the church I had been going to for about a month, and I went to church. I wasn't expecting much. In fact I was expecting to be alone amongst the congregation. To me church was a social event, not a Christ intervention.
So I sat amongst the congregation, not expecting much, but receiving a lot.

Isn't it weird how God moves when we expect nothing? Isn't weird how God uses others to really get the point across about our individual relationship with Him?

As the pastor rose to speak, he mentioned that he was about to step out of the norm for him. Reciting how he felt naked and vulnerable, my ears perked up. And it happened. God spoke. Through the pastor I could sense the urgency, the plea, the desire, and the love behind the message that God was telling me. As the pastor spoke of how he kept following God, and using his gifts to glorify God, he mentioned that he still felt detached from Him. He still felt lost. He still felt alone. It was such a parallel to my life, that I was just silent the entire time. My eyes were glued to my pastor, waiting for the next word. How could this be? How could my pastor be going through the same thing I was going through? How could someone who I perceived as far more mature in his spiritual walk be going through something similar to my life? Was this God? Was He really speaking to me through this man? Yes.

"Isn't it weird, awe-inspiring that God can use the gifts bestowed upon someone, yet in the same breath can destroy that gift at any point in time? Isn't it powerful to realize the control God has? Isn't it frightening to realize our temporary lives? But isn't it beautiful that God loves us still? Isn't it beautiful that He has control, and not us? He hasn't let go. He hasn't dropped you for the latest trend, the latest search for perfection."

"Here I was using my God-given gift, following the call of God to spread the good news, yet the same message I would preach on Sundays, I would hide from in my own life? I was detached from Christ. I was alone. Why? How?"

The above quotes are summaries of the message given by my pastor. And all I could do on my return to campus was reflect. I didn't know what to do. And so I forgot it...

Then Thursday happened. Thursday I traveled to Winston-Salem to celebrate a large group with Salem College's Intervarsity Chapter. It was awesome...until the message. Again I was challenged by God to look at my life. To look at why I was afraid to let Him have it all. As the message continued, it spoke of our fear, pride, and pausing from accepting the call of God. And the room got very hot. I was sweating. And again I sat silently, in anticipation for the next word. But again, I didn't act. Again I sat cold as stone. Again I returned in silence and reflection, and not proactivity.

So that is where I am at right now. I am detached from Christ. But even though I feel like He has given up, He hasn't. And I just want to have this breakdown. I just want to let go of all responsibility. Forget the world for just one minute. Forget the constant judgement. I just want to let go...

Hopefully God will catch me...

I love God...I do. But what's it going to take for me to LOVE God? When is this mental block going to give way? Why am I stuck...

I keep feeling like I am being told to go. I keep feeling like God is really, intently, and urgently crying out to me to let go of this world...

to let go of friends...

to let go of future...

to let go of past

to let go of me...

Hmm...until next time!

Give Me the Remote...

One of the foremost tenets of Christianity appears in the form of sacrifice. Not just tangible sacrifice, like money, but a personal sacrifice...like control.

It's something I don't like to discuss, mainly because I am still struggling with giving up control to God. But is it really something I gave up...or something I never had?

When I gave my life to Christ some 11 years ago (wow...long time!), I never understood what it truly meant to deny myself and take up the cross. It's no one's fault...not my parents, my pastor (actually, that falls under parents.), my youth minister, etc. I think God has planned a moment in everyone's lives where they begin to realize that they underestimated the meaning of letting God have it all. Usually that incurs a somewhat tricky period in one's life where they can travel down one of two roads, acceptance, or denial. It probably shouldn't be that simple, but it is in my mind.

Most of us hit denial. Let's face it, we hate letting God, or anyone here on Earth, have control over our lives. A look back through history, and one will find numerous references to people taking back control of their lives.

I guess in a way, I had to figure out what "letting God have it all" actually looked like. I have always been concerned with the how and why. I could easily understand the what, when, and where, but the how and why was so much deeper. Why should I allow God to have full control over my life? How do I allow God to have full control over my life? It has been one constant battle of understanding what control really meant...until I realized that I never really had control.

You see...God works in a strange way...at least strange to us...to Him, it is normal. He doesn't work on our time. He doesn't fit to a schedule, a year, a day...He is much larger than anything man-made or defined. And I had a hard time with that.

The past few weeks have really been a magnification of that distress. It is depressing, but at least it's honest. I have always wondered why others were seemingly on a completely different page than I was, why they seemed so much farther ahead than me in their lives. I wondered why some people were given, what seemed to be, a distinct gift, be it music, missions, compassion, writing, leading, preaching, teaching...etc, and I had yet to truly understand my "gift." Why was it that I was not moving forward? I had become stagnant, or worse, I had regressed in my faith. It got to the point where I seriously questioned my faith. I began to doubt. Myself, my friends, God...And it seemed like I continued to spiral out of control, out of anger, out of sadness. The world that God created beautiful, seemed to me like a cold, hateful, judging world that had its target set on Sam, and I was taking a beating like none other.

I viewed myself as alone...even to the point of seeing my life as permanently set on being alone. And I blamed God. God had planned a life, that at that time was not matching up to the life I assumed I would be living. I had assumed freedom, success, happiness, love, and influence. I thought that college would be the place. The place where Sam would rise up and become something great. Instead, I was diminishing into a size that was almost invisible. Why God? Why are you making me smaller? Why are you making me into something I don't want to be? I thought you were supposed to bring happiness, and hope? Why do I feel hopeless?

Yes...I felt hopeless.

It is quite the scary feeling. One that I hid well, for the most part. One that remained within the four walls of my room, or so I thought. Instead this feeling transcended into my public life. Worship was seen as a pain in the ass. Why worship a God who I am in a battle with? Attending church was based solely on who was going that day, not on the fact that it was an opportunity to grow and rest and praise God. Being Sam, no longer felt like my own. Being Sam, was no fun...at least not this person called Sam. I began to hate. I began to loathe. I hated my friends. I hated my family. I hated my classes. I hated my life. I took every ounce of anger out on the people who cared about me the most. My best friends became my biggest enemies. They were people who couldn't be trusted, and yet I needed them, no, I craved them because somehow when I was around them I felt better about myself. That is, until they began to grow, and prosper. That is until they began to progress in faith and hope...something I assumed I lacked. I remember sitting in my room one night, and just saying to God, "I can't wait to leave this place. To leave these people. They never cared about me. I just took up air." It got to the point where I began to curse their presence. I challenged their love. I challenged God's love. It God truly cared, this wouldn't be happening. If God truly cared, He would have come down already, smacked me in the face with a purpose, and I would begin living...I would begin following.

Yes, my belief in God was contingent on Him coming down on my time, doing something I wanted, and listening to me, and not vice-versa. It was a very conditional love. One that I probably would not describe as love. I would sit and pray, awaiting that moment, my burning bush, where I would realize that God loved me, and I would subsequently love God. Recently I prayed for over an hour, and afterwards I felt this release...until I tried to emulate it over and over and over again. I felt that if I kept doing the things that made me happy, that made me feel like positive change was occurring, then God and I would be ok. Wrong...

God wanted me. He didn't need me...He wanted me. Here God was, with this plan to love the people He created, to take them back from the grips of the earth and Satan, a plan that didn't need to include me, but it did. Why...because He wanted me. It's a very hard thing to understand...in fact, I am going to stop understanding, and start going....

Yes that was, and is my problem. I expected God to answer my questions. I expected answers to life. I expected a cheat sheet. I expected... You see, it took many times for me to understand the fact that God was in control. It took me many more times to realize that I wasn't in control. And it is taking me even more times to live like God is in control. It wasn't that I didn't have faith...it was that I wasn't prioritzing my faith properly. God was supposed to be number one. Not me, not my parents, not my friends, not my school, and not my purpose. God. And here He was, trying so hard to get me to realize that I was ignoring the one being who wanted me, who always wants me, who always loved me...even when He didn't have to love me. I was ignoring God. God wasn't trying to express the fact of His control. He was expressing that He loved me so much that He had included me in His grand plan. He was expressing that He loved me.

I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I was looking for control in a life that was never mine to control. And God wasn't trying to be a dictator. He was trying to be a father. He was the Father. And I was, and am His child. My love for God wasn't going to be displayed through my successes.

It was going to be displayed in my faith..in my love.

I still struggle with control issues. I still live a roller-coaster-like life, but remember, after a dip, there is a rise, and one day that ride will end on a high note.

Don't you hear God saying, "Give me the remote, I had it first!"